Relationship Confused about my partner's behavior post-pregnancy

[Zombieland]

Hello!
New here and not using English as my first language.

Been in an on-off relationship for about 3 years with a wonderful woman whom I love. Whenever we are together there are sparks and all is well. We have fun, talk and so on. No arguments but discussions.
She is, my best guess, traumatised from war as a young girl and then abused in relationship.
She ended our relationship a few times, always from a distance over the phone, but we (I) managed to find our way back. I have been dismissed for being unfaithful (which I have not), not having plans for the future, which translates to having children, etc.
We got back together last summer, she got pregnant and all was fine until month 2 where she disappeared for 48 hrs, wouldn’t answer her phone then it was fine again. Ffw to month 6 where I tried calling her a number of times for a week but no answer. Given her previous behaviour I decided to give her space and let her contact me but it took several weeks with no contact from her so I made contact, again… All was fine again. A few days before expected delivery she was quite moody on the phone. Approx one week prior to this phone call her mood was slowly getting worse.
I asked, in retrospect, a few leading questions and she saw no future for us. I then calmly stated that if that’s how she feels we will have to share custody and in the long run have our son 50/50. I still remember the tone of her voice when saying “we’ll see”. Chilling….
Next meeting at the mid-wifes office was a bit chaotic. I was told I could not be there when she was giving birth and I shouldn’t chase her (I think this meant contact her) as I was “stressing her out”.
Then I was blocked on fb, phone etc. Not a single message notifying me that I have a child. I got this info from friends.
Day 3 I got a mess saying that I have hurt her and her child as he had trouble breathing, swallowing (I.e. normal breastfeeding issues), I had prioritised my dog over her and she hated me. I was told that me and my dog should get out of their lives. If I contacted her she would call the police.
During pregnancy I have fixed my place for her and the baby to move in, worked a full time job, and other chores. I asked her to move in with me so that I could look after her better and start our family but there were always reasons for not doing so. I have never abused her in any way.
I reported a concern for her and our childs well-being to the “social authorities” in our town as this extreme behaviour is quite a bit out of character and it got me worried.
Is this a PTSD-“meltdown” fueled by hormones or….? I’m completely lost.
Any thoughts?

 

[Rose White]

My suggestion would be to contact a family lawyer and discuss your options if you want to ensure custody. If you can’t afford one there are often charity organizations which offer free consultations—you can usually find out about these through the courthouse or a law library.

From what you describe it sounds like she is intent on cutting you out so I would not try to go through her anymore.

Making reports with social services could be helpful for your case if there are real concerns.

 

[arfie]

hello zombie. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here. for what it's worth, i am a linguist who has taught english as a second language. if you had not told me english was not your first language, i would not have noticed. your command of written english is admirable. for me, writing new-to-me languages is much easier than speaking them. nobody looks at me impatiently when i need to look up a word or phrase.

getting back on topic. . .

i am currently in my second parenting career. i inherited 3 orphans (then ages 6. 3 and 8 mos) in 2019 when both parents were killed in a car wreck. i raised 2 sons starting in 1980. both parenting careers have wreaked havoc on my ptsd symptoms. in 1980, ptsd was not a recognized disorder, so i did not even have names for any of the symptoms. my husband (still on the same hubby) was even more mystified by my reactions than i was. this time around we have better names for those symptoms, and that makes it easier, but still not easy.

then, as now, the way the love of my life helps me best is by taking the focus off of me and putting that focus on the children. that baby needs you, daddy. lovers come and go, but daddies are forever. there is no substitute for a good father. to be honest, i find it easier to love my hubby when he is being a good daddy than when he is being a good lover. an awful lot of my ptsd comes from men who tried to be good lovers.

i don't know if any of that fits your case or not. just sharing in hopes of welcoming you to the forum

 

[Movingforward10]

Been in an on-off relationship for about 3 years

An on off relationship shows a pattern here. Have you been ignoring red flags? A healthy relationship isn't on/off.

I reported a concern for her and our childs well-being to the “social authorities” in our town as this extreme behaviour is quite a bit out of character and it got me worried

I wonder how out of character this behaviour is? As from the little youbdescribe it sounds in character? Reporting her to the authorities won't help build a relationship with her. But if you have genuine concerns for your child's safety, of course you need to report. But if you're using that as a method to communicate with her, then that may be misguided. What was the outcome of that referral? Are they working with her and your child? If they are, and depending on what country you are in and the laws there, then as a father you have a right to know. Unless she is saying you're not the father.

Is this a PTSD-“meltdown” fueled by hormones or….? I’m completely lost.

Who knows?
You won't get the answers here as only she knows.

But I agree with others. Maybe going to the court to get access and a DNA test to confirm paternity, and getting yourself on the birth certificate (if that gives you legal parental responsibility) is the way to go.
Sounds like this relationship with her is well and truly over. But you have a child and that is the relationship to focus on.

 

[PTSDisaster]

I'm very sorry that you're going through this mess.. I can't even imagine what it's like to find out through your friends that she gave birth to your son.

For what it's worth: I do know that day 3 after giving birth, the "hormonal cocktail" wears out and there will be what is called a 'baby blues'. Most women feel depressed and very emotional this day.

I agree with the others to seek advise and make sure you can see your child. I'm glad that you've reached out to social authorities for your childs safety. Wish you and your son all the best

 

[Friday]

Is this a PTSD-“meltdown” fueled by hormones or….? I’m completely lost.
Any thoughts?

No idea. Could be either, both, neither, or something else entirely.

I’d stick with what you know for fact, amd go from there :
- She’s blocked all access to your child, up to and including even knowledge they’d been born.
- She’s indicated this is how she would like to proceed, in the future; with you having no access to your child.

I understand that knowing WHY someone is doing something can influence what the best course of action to take will be.

It makes sense, for example, that when a moody/volatile/hormonal pregnant woman is issuing demands, or making proclamations? Most people tend to take a step back and acquiesce to those demands, or wait 5 minutes for the proclamation to be reversed. No one wants to cause unnecessary upset, and the crazy usually runs its course faster than an argument about it would last.

But that’s not where you are, now.

It’s not a temporary “You love the dog more than meeeeeeee!” heartbroken wail that later the same day is something being laughed over.

She’s said she doesn’t want you in her or her baby’s life, & has followed up on that.

WHY she’s doing so? Could be related to mental illness, or PPD, or could just be because she doesn’t like you. No matter why? The end result is the same. She doesn’t want you in your child’s life.

Which means you have 3 possible courses of action

- Do nothing.
- Seek out her family & friends, and try to accomplish access with her.
- Take legal steps.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Stop worrying about her and concentrate on your child. Kids come first. See legal advice about establishing paternity, child support, custody, and visitation. Make sure your son is safe.

After that, worry about her.

 

[LuckiLee]

Seek legal advice and go from there.
Good luck!