F**k Ptsd!

[Mosaic]

Let's start off by saying, I'm still struggling like mad, sometimes it still feels worse than ever. I see his face when I close my eyes, I shake in public, I feel close to tears all . the . time !
But... I'm mad, which is giving me this motivation.
I'm mad at the guy that's destroyed me, how dare he do something so disgusting and evil to me and leave me to suffer for the rest of my life, I'm mad people like that exist and don't meet justice! I'm sick and tired of feeling anxious and panicky and so small! I'm mad that I can't have sex with my boyfriend, if I know he's going to touch me "like that" or even kiss me, I get nervous and freeze up.

That's where this motivation has come in.
Everyone in this world has 1 life. Do I want to live mine being scared all the time, feeling so pathetic all the time and not recognising the mess of a person I've become?
Do I want to be defined by my PTSD and what an evil man put me through? Hell no!

My vice has been the gym, I'm a personal trainer so I know what I'm doing, so all I've done is lift weights and let my mind go into this place where I AM STRONG! I am the boss of my body!
With every workout I get a little stronger, a little better. I'll never be as strong as him, I'd probably never be able to fight him off, but stronger than the person I was yesterday. It's an incredible feeling.
I am in control of my body, he took that control away for himself, I won't let him take my mind too.

I will cry still, I will feel like giving up, I will struggle like hell but I will keep my head above water.

Little by little, day by day, I will piece myself back together.

I'm dreading the next bad day, but at least I'll be able to re-read this post.
We're all fighting the same battle guys, a battle against your own mind is the scariest there is but as long as you live and breath and hope you are winning and you will come out on top!

 

[WillyKat]

Inspiring! Thanks for posting.

For the record, I often froze up in romantic situations. Sex was never that hard, as long as I could skip over the flirting part, the eye contact, the seduction. If I got caught up in all that, I'd freeze up. Once, I was in a room with a woman at a party and I literally started shaking and had to leave. There were dozens of other times where similar things happened. Damn near drove me mad. I especially hate it when people assume that I'm a "typical man" because I'm really a frightened little boy, deep down.

Anyway, stay strong and welcome to the forum!

 

[shimmerz]

Right.f*cking.on!

Onwards....

 

[Deleted member 24866]

Keep on, keeping on.. exercise has been a huge blessing to me and even more so learning some self defense to prevent situations like my past from becoming problems- went from night mares.. to fighting them off, to none for a short time. Truly celebrating as I felt I was in a rut with physical flashbacks and all. I get to spar with a friend - been focusing on krav maga and pressure points which also assist in dealing with other physical pains also. Very hopeful and looking forward to learning more. Alternative therapies and letting yourself process and nature do its part have been very helpful- more so than traditional therapy. Removing myself from situations and people who reinforce the problem "there is something wrong with me"- has worked like a charm. I don't care what the shrinks say. I am living again- I might be different, but I feel like a stronger person achieving mastery at this point. But this site and knowing you are not alone in the struggles and the natural reactions from trauma- are natural. As is healing given time. Bless you~