Fairweather Friend

[Belle]

I suppose I was naive. I didn't know that someone I thought I knew, who was a friend, someone I could talk to, share stuff with would end up to be a fairweather friend.

She doesn't believe in PTSD. Before things fell apart (I just thought I was going mad) she told me that she thought I was tougher than this. She said 'I thought you were tougher than this.' when I said I needed time out from work.

Now she says (so I have heard) that she doesn't understand what she has done wrong? All I wanted was to tell her how it was for me, having PTSD, that she was a trigger and it wasn't her fault, I didn't blame her.

Now she won't meet with me.
But how was I so blind to who was a true friend and who wasn't?

 

[heidi]

Did she actually say she doesn't believe in PTSD? Is that a quote?

 

[IvyMillie]

Finding friends isn't easy. I can sympathize with you because it is sad when you think someone will be your friend and it doesn't work out.

Anymore I feel like to even consider someone a potential friend I have to know them for a long time a year or so. I also want them to be someone who is sympathetic and kind natured. My biggest thing is trust issues so that takes time.

The reason it takes time is because some people can pretend to be something they aren't. Also, you have to observe them in various situations, see how they react to others before you get emotionally invested yourself.

The last person I thought might be my friend was a super agreeable person that turned out to be too aggreeable and would agree with whoever was around her. Hence, not someone I would think is honest enough for me.

Even though a person might have fewer friends I think quality is more important than quantity. With any friend one isn't going to agree on everything and that's a good thing. They will have flaws, so it's not perfection that makes a good friend.

I think it's essential that someone you want as a friend absolutely has to understand any illness that you might have. If they don't understand it to at least believe what you say and be kind about it. Most of one illnesses mental or physical are really a part of who we are and that part of us needs to be accepted and dealt with kindly.

Whenever someone disappoints me I always say to myself "well at least I found out her true colors before I invested any more of my time and caring."

I know it's a real disappointment though, but she doesn't sound like a person you could be close to. I'm sorry because I know it's hard. You will find someone else.

Sometimes really good friends come from people you wouldn't expect. One of my friends is 20 years older than me and she calls me daughter #2 (she has a real daughter). We laugh and have similar interests. So think outside the box on age and you'll find someone worthwhile.

 

[Meadowsweet]

(((Belle))) I still feel the hurt from friends like that.

When I'm hurting, I take in all that criticism and bad feeling and beat myself up.

When I'm more stable, I try to accept that the 'friend' just didn't have the abilty to understand, or the genuine compassion to perservere and find understanding.

 

[Belle]

Did she actually say she doesn't believe in PTSD? Is that a quote?

It was overheard but not by me. But I expect it to be true as she has said she doesn't believe in depression (to me) when she discussed her daughter and I said that maybe she could support/advise her to see a dr.

 

[Belle]

(((Belle))) I still feel the hurt from friends like that.

When I'm hurting, I take in all that criticism and bad feeling and beat myself up.

When I'm more stable, I try to accept that the 'friend' just didn't have the abilty to understand, or the genuine compassion to perservere and find understanding.

I really relate to this. I just have to accept it and move on but it is sad :(
I have been too quick to like and trust people and PTSD has made me realise I can't.

 

[Srain]

I'm sorry Belle, that can be so very painful. I've experienced it myself more than once. I agree that thinking outside the box is where you just might find the friends that will be there when nobody else is.

It's always painful to lose someone in our lives but try to focus on what will make your life more fulfilling at this time if you can.

(((((((hugs)))))))))
Rain

 

[Belle]

(((((Rain)))))

 

[kimba]

My best friend had a similar response when I first told her. She actually said she thought I was strong because nothing seemed to bother me. I was fortunate because she was open to learning more about why I had PTSD etc. Also she has a Masters Degree in Public Health and had worked with refugees over in Bosnia after the war there. If it weren't for her, I would have nobody to share anything with.

It isn't all good though. Because of that first response I am very careful how much I share with her and am keeping some secrets even from her (still).:(

 

[Belle]

(((Kimba))) I am sorry for you, no wonder you have broken trust and secrets from you friend, I understand why.

 

[IvyMillie]

I think it's good to take it slow. I know for myself sometimes I'm so eager to have a friend that I rush things too much. I guess good friends are like fine wine as they take time. :)

I have a Multiple Chemical Sensitivity which is a real challenge on friendships. The funny thing is that I can't be friends with someone who doesn't understand because I can only be around people who are willing to be Fragrance Free for me. It's the weirdest thing as I've found that only really nice people are kind enough to go the extra mile for me.

In your situation it might be good to use the PTSD early on in a friendship to test the waters and see if a person is understanding. You can then gauge if they will be supportive to you or not. Maybe you could mention it in an abstract way and see their reaction to it.

Don't despair you will find some good friends.