Fantasies about falling out with my therapist

[scout86]

So, the bravery is inconsistent, it seems!

My favorite coffee cup was a Christmas gift from some friends. It's a quote, supposedly from John Wayne, that says "Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." People who aren't afraid are either stupid or out of touch with reality. I hope you have a good session!

 

[barefoot]

A few months on and I’m back here again.
Same fantasies, same feelings, same pattern, same struggle with it. Same inability to stop it in its tracks. Same frustration with myself.

I had a vague recollection that I’d posted about it before. Just found and re-read this thread. All so familiar again. Groundhog Day.

Realise I never did have the attachment discussion with my T. Maybe that’s what I should do next session. I just feel so mortified that I still can’t effectively manage my feelings in this relationship.

 

[The Albatross]

Think you're on track/right on cue about the attachment discussion next session.

 

[barefoot]

Thanks for the encouragement @The Albatross - it helps.

 

[The Albatross]

It is good to note too barefoot that you are astute to recognize that the issue then/March hasn't improved or changed and that a more directed conscious action is necessary. Growth! Good thing, k?

 

[barefoot]

I did this today. Told her the fantasies were back and that I’ve had an email cancelling our sessions sitting in my drafts for a week - have fought the strong urge to send it. And know that wouldn’t ultimately make me feel better anyway.
Talked about all the conflict. Got my old attachment sheet out.

It was hard. I feel exhausted. I’m glad I managed to bring it up and say everything I wanted to say about it.

T seemed delighted! We’ve agreed to look at attachment as a next step.

 

[barefoot]

So, T and I agreed back in September to look at attachment as a next step.

Neither of us have mentioned it again since.

And so it continues...

 

[scout86]

You could ask when the next step is going to start. (if you want to)

 

[barefoot]

I suspect if I asked her that she would ask when I want it to start. Or say, ‘whenever you want it to start.’

And while that frustrates me a bit (ok, perhaps a lot!) I suppose that would be a reasonable response from her. Because it’s my therapy so my job to direct things I suppose, isn’t it?
If I want to work on something/discuss something, it’s my responsibility to make sure I do it.

Which I suppose begs the question: after all this time, why do I still not do that? Why is that so hard to do?

I don’t even know whether she even remembers that conversation and that we agreed to do that. It may not be on her radar at all. She doesn’t have the greatest memory!

If she’s forgotten or if she’s remembered but is just choosing not to bring it up...either of those feels like it was probably an unimportant thing.

 

[scout86]

She doesn’t have the greatest memory!

I have exactly that happen with my T also. And then again, once in awhile, he says something that suggests he actually remembers most of what we've talked about. I wonder, a little, if this isn't a way of giving me space, letting me feel a little safer. I don't know. It seems like a difficult balance. I know my T tends to err on the side of not pushing things too hard.

I don't think attachment is an unimportant topic and I'm really pretty sure that's not why she hasn't revisited it. It could be she's forgotten. (I keep thinking these people must hear so many stories it's amazing they keep anything straight.) I think it would perfectly ok for you to ask about revisiting the topic.

 

[barefoot]

Sorry for my delay responding. I felt a bit overwhelmed.

I wonder, a little, if this isn't a way of giving me space, letting me feel a little safer. I

Yes, I wonder this as well.

I know my T tends to err on the side of not pushing things too hard.

Mine too.

I think it would perfectly ok for you to ask about revisiting the topic.

Yes. It feels like this would be the reasonable, grown up thing to do! Not sure why the thought of it is so scary.

 

[scout86]

Not sure why the thought of it is so scary.

Because it is? Scary, I mean. It IS scary. That's part of the "why is this an issue?" package.