General Father with ptsd. Does our son need a therapist?

[Dontwannashare]

I am with a combat vet with ptsd. Our 7 yo son he is in school. Academically he is doing well, he is being great with his siblings and also has many friends but teachers noticed his risk taking behaviour, use of curse words and the fact he is very talkative. He likes to wrestle/mock fights with other boys but never hurt anybody on purpose. Two weeks ago he jumped down a stairs in school), hurt his ankle and had to be hospitalized for a short time.
On his first day back in school his teacher approached me and said he thinks that he should see a therapist because of his risk taking behaviour and that he might have ADD. He also asked if everything was alright in our family.

When I told my Vet he was heartbroken and thought he might have caused it. My vet felt guilty before when the boy hurt himself jumping down the stairs because he often feels in a fight or flight Modus and has the habit of jumping down stairs.

Do you think it is time to make our son see a therapist because of his fathers ptsd and or his behaviour or do you think it is unnecessary?

 

[blackemerald1]

but teachers noticed his risk taking behaviour, use of curse words and the fact he is very talkative.

^So this could be him copying other kids and being very social. I don't see this as a therapy issue.

He likes to wrestle/mock fights with other boys but never hurt anybody on purpose.

^So did my boys at seven years old - right through till they were late teens too. Still not a therapy issue a far as I'm concerned. Mock wrestling/fighting... riding extremely fast on bicycles, climbing trees and jumping off roofs... yes all heart stopping moments and a few stern warnings were necessary. I was pretty handy with the antiseptic. Only a couple of admissions to hospital and the medical clinic. lol... But I never thought of taking them to the therapist. And I had/have ptsd.

his teacher approached me and said he thinks that he should see a therapist because of his risk taking behaviour and that he might have ADD. He also asked if everything was alright in our family.

^Hmm... when the teacher says there may be a problem it may be useful to explore the foundation for raising this with you. Have more meetings & completely explore his expertise in terms of child behaviour, why he thinks it's ADD if your son is able to stay on task etc.

Vet he was heartbroken and thought he might have caused it. My vet felt guilty before when the boy hurt himself jumping down the stairs because he often feels in a fight or flight Modus and has the habit of jumping down stairs.

I don't think there's a need to feel guilty. Possibly, he might teach your son how to get down the stairs safely. (Including jumping)
I think your son is probably copying dad but that's not a bad thing. Boys like to do things that dad does.

Do you think it is time to make our son see a therapist because of his fathers ptsd and or his behaviour or do you think it is unnecessary

^Copying adult behaviour is normal. Your son has hurt himself doing something that had some risk but it's not right up there with huge risk taking behaviours. Does he do anything else that the teacher is concerned about? That is really 'out there?

There is a lot of scope for child behaviour being within the normal range.

You could have him assessed by a pediatric psychiatrist - that might take a few sessions over a month or two.

 

[Sideways]

On his first day back in school his teacher approached me and said he thinks that he should see a therapist because of his risk taking behaviour and that he might have ADD.

Warrants a second opinion.

Personally? The itch that society seems to currently have to pathologise little kids makes my stomach turn.

But, how does a teacher tell a parent, "I think there might be an issue with your child..."? Never an easy conversation. But that's what's happened.

So, teacher who spends a significant amount of time with your child has suggested getting a professional opinion? The reasonable thing to do would be to get a professional opinion - nothing more, nothing less.

Has nothing to do with hubby and his ptsd so far as anyone has suggested. Kiddo has the stressor of a parent living with mental illness, but that's not uncommon.

Your teacher has done nothing more than express a concern with you. Getting a second opinion commits you to absolutely nothing at this stage. Does your son need extra support because of ADD, or difficulties he's having interpreting behaviours from his dad that he doesn't understand, or just because he happens to be one of those children who, for millions of different reasons, benefit from additional support? Or is the teacher reading too much into behaviour that you can't be there to interpret yourself?

Best way to find out is get a second opinion from someone qualified to say:)

 

[rightkindofme]

I don't know about your child. My children have been in therapy because having a mentally ill parent is 1 ACE point and I want to keep ahead of the game as much as I can. Therapy was very useful for both of them. There was no shame or difficulty or precipitous event. No abuse in the home... just I'm unstable and they need an objective outside adult to help them learn that my behavior is about me not them.

 

[blackemerald1]

I want to keep ahead of the game as much as I can. Therapy was very useful for both of them. T

^That's great. But it's not generally a given that children of a person with ptsd should have a therapist.

There was no shame or difficulty or precipitous event.

^Nobody has mentioned shame.

^The teacher has perceived a difficulty with the child's behaviour but it probably does need more than that to decide that it is appropriate to launch into ongoing therapy.

^Breaking an ankle isn't really a precipitous event for therapy. It could have just been high spirits - gone awry?

my behavior is about me not them.

^But there hasn't been any 'behaviour' by either parent that really warrants ongoing therapy.

Indeed, the child may have ADD or simply be a little boisterous. Neither would have anything to do with a parent with ptsd.

 

[Dontwannashare]

My vet is a gentle soul and there is no horrible behaviour from his part. I do think he is great with children. However he is sometimes frightened, jumps down things or takes risk - often because he wants to avoid perceived greater risks.

 

[mumstheword]

Sounds like just an active little boy to me. It's a very active age, for some kid's, especially some little boys. Sitting in a classroom doing sit down stuff can be super difficult for really, healthy, high energy, smart little kid's.

I hate how modern schooling and our current political climate can pathologize healthy masculine behaviour, whether child or adult.
Good teachers would probably just adjust by doing something to burn off some of that energy first and then get them to focus on quiet stuff.
My son still plays around with stairs, luckily, he has never hurt himself on them and he's a very boyish boy of 14.

He's had issues that I tried to get him therapy for, but we live in a rural area that's proving very hard to find affordable and good child T's in, so I end up being his T, more often than not. And I'm the one with PTSD.
Being active, using expletives and being talkative really don't sound like issues that are indicative of ADHD or ADD at all, especially as he's doing well in school, it just sounds like he is a spirited and very bright little boy that the teacher hasn't the skills or resources to keep up with.

Getting him pathologized with a label like that could be very bad, if who you see wants to drug him to simply make it more convenient for his teacher, to create a subdued and compliant student for his (sounds slightly neurotic) teacher.

Talkative children worry me much less than quiet, subdued children (although some kid's are just quieter personalities and are still fine), so, in my opinion, it shows his mental healthiness and resiliance, that he is chatty, unless it is accompanied by harm causing behaviour that is purposeful, not just silly miscalculations like the stairs mishap, and the content of the talking is worrisome (bullying, fearful, dark, neurotic, manic, that sort of thing) but none of what you've described sound anything but healthy, smart (studies show that "more intelligent" people use expletives, more commonly, and are messier), and normal, boyish activeness.

If you are worried, at all, about his behaviour, I would just talk to your GP, not in the presence of your child though, just discreetly, with some other pretext or reason for visiting your doctor, but having someone else you can send your boy out with, while you discuss the issue with your doc, as you don't want your precious little boy to get any message that there is something wrong when, and if, there isn't.

 

[Sweetpea76]

On his first day back in school his teacher approached me and said he thinks that he should see a therapist because of his risk taking behaviour and that he might have ADD. He also asked if everything was alright in our family.

This has nothing to do with your husband. The teacher does not know that he has PTSD, so it couldn’t possibly.

This is probably because they suspect ADHD, and because his behavior has caused significant injury to himself this time. It’s a safety concern, especially if he likes to wrestle around and play rough.

It’s not always “high spirits” or “boys will be boys”. Sometimes kids need some extra help. I work with children, and some of the sweetest, brightest kids I know have ADHD. There is no shame in it.

 

[Mee]

as the adult child of people who experienced childhood trauma and has gone on to have PTSD I would say I think having therapy is a super useful tool for almost every child. I would not have said this years ago. It sort of replacing extended family in an era where nuclear family is more normal than extended family and small town ‘village to raise a child’ support and even moral instruction in a ( healthy) secular society is there. It’s not just about ‘parents’ issues’ it’s about the way society is failing to meet our social/ evolutionary needs and to help us be the best we can be with emotional awareness/ intelligence etc. In an ideal world we will start doing this through our social circles again; I think few people are there.

 

[blackemerald1]

I would say I think having therapy is a super useful tool for almost every child

^Completely disagree.

^Children can and most times do form close friendships etc and learn to be close friends back. That's sufficient therapy for most children and then there are the parents. In this case it seems the child has two very loving parents. So plenty of adult input going on.

Given enough time and maturity most children learn how to handle life. They will learn to not talk too much and learn the value in being able to listen closely; not jump from heights without first learning the skill to do so and how to negotiate most social situations by experience.

Having something bad, like breaking an ankle happen to your child isn't great. But look from the other end of this. If a child takes a risk & breaks an ankle today - perhaps that same child will not jump from a train in 10 years time or something else.

There are many risk taking behaviours, including mock wrestling that teach useful skills to children. How to play fair, how to not hurt, how to tests one own strength, how to pull back and say 'enough'. And many more deeper skills.. Resilience, co-operation etc

Primarily therapists are most useful when they are treating people who have psychological problems. It's still to be determined if the OP's child has anything wrong with them or not.

There is nothing in the OP's post that suggests this child is suffering or requiring help. Nothing. A teacher who out of the blue says he/she thinks the child may have ADD is not a diagnosis.

I had Principals ringing me about my children... being disruptive in class, doing risky things, being disobedient. I suppose they were the bad old days when doing something wrong didn't mean there was actually something wrong with you? :rolleyes:

They didn't suggest a therapist. They knew about my ptsd and wobbly mental health. The kids got punishment at school and then again when they got home. Appropriate to the offence of course. :)

Therapists are not meant to be life coaches, replacement best friends, go-betweens or gurus.

What an immense waste of money. :banghead:

 

[Mytime]

When the teacher mention seeing a therapist, did he mean an educational therapist to make sure your son isn’t ADD or ADHD. Either one has many different traits and it can affect people differently, the teacher may be picking up on some of the traits. I feel the teacher is doing his job if he feels it’s something to look into.
I had a teacher come to me and my child was ADD and once we knew great things happened for him. I didn’t put my child on meds, because they had to prove to me that with the right support in the class and learning coping skills he still needed them and he didn’t.
I don’t believe it’s a negative thing to get your child tested, it’s opening a door for them to come out of the black and white curriculum of our education.

 

[Mytime]

P.S. I don’t think the teacher thought he should see a therapist because of your husband PTSD.
He didn’t know about it until you told him and he said the reason was he thought there could be ADD in his opinion.