Feeling abandoned

[SeekingAnswers34]

after fractured decades of therapy, guilt and mistrust remain two of my meanest psychodemons. if something goes wrong, it must be completely my fault, somehow. i consider it solid progress that i am getting quicker and more decisive about skipping over the self-judgement/flagellation and fast-forwarding to the solutions. fact is, i have yet to note where blame, judgement and punishment solve anything.

in my own case, the craving for stability can work against me in the healing process. my psychoses(pl) would rather continue treading proverbial water in a sea of pain than risk change. things can ALWAYS get worse, doncha know? a healing journey requires taking a risk and stretching my comfort zone.

another ditto. i credit my trust issues for my inability to ask for and/or accept help. yet another place where i have to stretch my comfort zone to even consider the possibility of asking for help with anything.

The rupture really was my fault, I absolutely blame myself for everything, but, there is no getting away from it on this one. I did something stupid and she has been really good about it, that’s part of what’s making me pull away I think as I don’t trust her reaction. I feel like I’m still waiting for the fall out.

I agree about the desire for stability actually getting in the way. I don’t think I would take well to her change in behaviour at anytime but I think I’m on high alert, waiting for the other shoe to drop, after our rupture. I struggle with trusting her reaction (or lack of) my brain sees this change as the rejection I’ve been expecting.

It's regrettable that much of the messaging around SI insists that if you just reach out and talk with someone, they'll magically fix things or care about you - because usually they just fumble awkwardly and don't really know what to do.

Many people struggle with SI because of problems that could be alleviated by direct action (such as poverty or isolation), but a majority of people simply aren't in a place where they feel comfortable stepping up to the plate.

Unfortunately when it comes to self-harm and suicidal ideation most people, even (or perhaps especially) therapists, aren't equipped to directly assist. And in many ways, this is proper: a therapist cannot sit with you and hold your hand or talk you off the ledge every time, because then you would never learn how to manage your emotional distress on your own.

Self-harm and suicide are something of a binary equation. Either you'll do it, or you won't. People can't really convince you or force you not to, and neither is it appropriate for them to take responsibility for your impulses.

The way she framed this was blunt, and when compared with her previous response (an attempt to take that responsibility from you), somewhat inept. But the end result is what it is, a binary. Rather than turn the focus back to her and how she isn't managing your feelings, use her as the resource she is intended to be.

Ask her to help you find ways of coping with your distress through the day. A good stepping stone is the dialectical and skills-based portion of DBT. Marsha Linehan's book that teaches therapists how to administer these skills effectively is publicly available, as are many workbooks.

Thanks for the book recommendation, I’ll check it out. I’ve heard really good things about DBT skills.

Saying all this to her will really help. She can understand how you're experiencing this and she can explain her motivation. And then figure out, together, how to work through this.
Having a rupture beforehand is difficult too. You say it's completely your fault. Ruptures rarely are though. It might be us doing something or projecting something, but the T is still part of that: they didn't navigate that so that there wasn't a rupture.
I see this as linked to the rupture. It's unsettled the relationship and this is a continuation of that unsettledness.

I think you’re right, she handled the rupture really well and I’ve found it really hard to trust that. My experience is that there are dire consequences of making a mistake so her behaviour is completely alien to me. I’m so convinced she’s going to leave that I’m looking for signs so any change in behaviour towards me, however small, seems like evidence.

Also, SI is self-abandonment, so you are likely projecting that abandonment onto T. Believe it or not, this is common and a sign of attachment (a good thing). Dealing with your feelings about it is the work you are paying her to guide you through. I agree with @Movingforward10 —lots of potential for healing by talking to her about all the stuff you wrote here.

Thanks Rose, I want things to go back to how they were before the rupture happened but I can see how I am preventing that. I’m looking for ways that she’s ‘changed’ and I’m always going to find evidence because she’s human and anyone of us can act different, use different words from one day to the next. I don’t know how to stop doing that but I guess bringing it up to her is a good place to start.

In normal life? You can only abandon kids & pets. Everyone else? CAN take care of themselves. They might not want to, but they can.

I am not a child, nor a pet.

I don’t want her to take care of me, I never have. I’m hyper-independent and even when she offers to help with stuff I don’t let her. I figure stuff out and tell her about it afterwards.

My issue is with her change in behaviour.

 

[arfie]

I absolutely blame myself for everything, but, there is no getting away from it on this one.

in my own case, playing the blame game is just another way of masking my feelings. as long as i am self-flagellating, i don't need to look at what lives beneath my judge and jury act. learning how to make amends (repairing the rift) for the times i really am to blame has gone a long way toward helping me accept responsibility for my own actions while unmasking the feelings beneath the blame. talk to her.

 

[SeekingAnswers34]

in my own case, playing the blame game is just another way of masking my feelings. as long as i am self-flagellating, i don't need to look at what lives beneath my judge and jury act. learning how to make amends (repairing the rift) for the times i really am to blame has gone a long way toward helping me accept responsibility for my own actions while unmasking the feelings beneath the blame. talk to her.

Thanks Arfie, you’re right. I really am to blame in this situation but I think the guilt and shame has dragged me down to a point that I don’t expect any other response from her other than rejection so I’m going out of my way to find proof that confirms that narrative.

Something I also just realised is that at no point has she actually said that the offer of contacting her if I really need to is no longer available. I have made that assumption given that she hasn’t confirmed that it is still available but she may not think she needs to given she has told me before that I can. I’ve just decided for myself that this has been taken off the table but she hasn’t said that.

 

[Movingforward10]

I think you’re right, she handled the rupture really well and I’ve found it really hard to trust that. My experience is that there are dire consequences of making a mistake so her behaviour is completely alien to me. I’m so convinced she’s going to leave that I’m looking for signs so any change in behaviour towards me, however small, seems like evidence.

You're really holding yourself to blame for the rupture.
I looked up my T's home address. And then told her about it. Expecting her to immediately terminate her. I was mortified I did it. And blamed myself entirely. And of course she would terminate me because I'm a weirdo stalker, who has violated boundaries and I deserve to be terminated.
Anyway, not only did she not terminate me, she made it all ok.
And put it in the context of other things that were happening.

So when you're blaming yourself. And when you're looking for confirmation that she will behave how you're used to being treated, and not finding that but still looking for it. It's really really healing to realise: she has changed your experience by still being there for you.
She isn't abandoning you. She's there. With you.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think (just personally for me) as an independent person the feeling of abandonment has less to do with an expectation someone should be there for me, but rather a subjective feeling of 'aloneness'. So it is true no one can abandon me, but rather I am left feeling resourceless, unanchored.

That being said. the topic of SI is a difficult one and it isn't within anyone else's control. To bring it up is to decrease independence. Therefore just as equally hopefully there is an open mindedness to seek some solution to it, or to at least hope to begin by not wanting to do it. But lots of shame around the topic so that's definitely a thing. A real pervasive thing. But it's a lot healthier and saner to address it than hide it.

At one of my worst times I came across a book accidentally titled something like, "How I Stayed Alive While My Brain Was Trying To Kill Me' (not exactly a subtle title). It helped at the time a lot. I hope you will feel stronger soon and be upfront with your T. We are more than our feelings and self-judgements. Hugs to you.