Feeling betrayed.

[mylunareclipse]

My therapist and I had been working very well together in the last few months. A few weeks ago we might have had even one of our best sessions.
I can currently see her because of my job and in the past when I had asked her if I could still see her once I moved on from this position she always was a little big vague about it. She would always mention about how "well you get another 60 days" after you move position when you still qualify etc. I think I asked two or three times before, because what I really wanted to ask about was what about after those 60 days were over? But she was always kind of vague and mentioned we'd pick another day anyway when to finish as she wanted to work with me etc. Unfortunately, whenever I tried to directly ask what about after the 60 days what will exactly happen, my words would get tangled and my throat would constrict and I just couldn't ask.
Finally, last week as I am getting very close to changing positions I asked her directly " what will happen after those 60 days, can you still see me?" she started with the same answer, but then I asked her again and she was like "we'd have to then discuss who else you can see as I don't have a private practice and I can only see you as long as you are in this position".
I as flabbergasted and shocked. Now I know it was my fault to never have been able to ask as directly. But at the same time I felt so betrayed and hurt. I felt so led on. She knew all along that this was the case (in the 2+ years I have seen her). Wouldn't it have been more honest if she had answered my question the first few time more directly? Like I will not be able to see you once you move on from this position. She was always so vague and focused on the 60 days she could see me after. I feel so hurt and betrayed. I feel like I had a right to know this would be the case. I also feel manipulated and I know when I see her next she'll probably say I was doing mind reading and she never led me on to believe she would see me later.... anyhow. I guess nothing can change now. But I feel so hurt and betrayed. And I don't even know if I have a right to feel so.

 

[Muted]

My therapist and I had been working very well together in the last few months. A few weeks ago we...

I think you have a right to how you feel.

Your therapist wasn’t upfront with you. Leaving information out like that in response to a direct question is misleading.

In the very least she could have told you and prepared you for transitioning. I’d be pissed.

Have you asked her how long she’s known this information? (I guess to give her the benefit of the doubt) Is this something she had to ask about?

There have been a few times that my therapist has gone back on her word or changed things and whenever I’ve said anything about it, she’s denied it like I didn’t say or mean that etc.. I’m pretty sure I didn’t misunderstand, but I didn’t argue and I have tried to let it go.

These things cause major trust issues. I detest when people don’t remember who they’ve told what to etc...

 

[Sideways]

If you feel hurt and betrayed? That’s how you feel and it’s valid to feel that way. Your feelings are telling you that this is a big deal for you, and that the way this has played isn’t okay. You expected better communication. All of that is valid.

But, to temper that a bit, have you actually been betrayed? From her perspective, you had access to her because of your job, and when you initially asked about whether you could continue to see her afterwards, she said that you could for an extra 60 days.

Now, maybe she wasn’t clear enough with you about that. And perhaps after 2 years it’s reasonable to expect a bit of forward planning about what comes next after that period ends.

But to me, her response does seem to have been fairly clear - you can see her for up to 60 days after your job ends. She could have added “and that’s all”, but to me? She did give a fairly clear answer about whether you could still see her when you leave the job - you get 60 days more access to treatment.

Is it possible that your feelings about this are being amplified by some anxiety about what comes next? Because, leaving a therapist after 2 years is a pretty big deal, even when the transition is handled well. It very often, just by the fact that the relationship is ending, brings up feelings of abandonment and anxiety and fear and...

 

[Friday]

I'm not sure how she could have been more clear. You can see her for up to 60 days after to leave this job.

That doesn't mean you're not going to be scared, hurt, grieving, anxious, etc. But I can't see how you've ever been deceived or betrayed. It sounds like you've asked several times, and have been given the same answer, and it's still the same answer. Not the answer you want, is different from being told one thing, and finding out that's not true. It sounds like she's always been very truthful with you around this. Disappointed makes sense. Betrayal? Not so much.

ETA... Out of curiosity, any history of those things being linked together in the past? If you're disappointed about something it's because someone has betrayed your trust?

 

[AnonymousGirl99]

wishforescape, you have a right to feel however you need to feel, and the people on here who say otherwise are really frustrating me at the minute.

Part of a trauma therapist's job is to make sure that they are 100% clear and upfront and transparent. I would feel betrayed as well. I would feel like I wasn't being taken care of, because another part of a therapist's job is to make sure that you are. It's her job to make sure that you have the support you need after she can no longer give you care. Period. That's it. That's a part of the effing job. Yes, she said she couldn't see you after 60 days, but that's not actually what you wanted to know. You wanted to know what is going to happen to you after 60 days?

She should have made you feel more comfortable transitioning, she should have been helping you transition in some way. It sounds like she completely dropped the ball. You can be disappointed. You can feel betrayed. You can feel whatever it is that you need to feel. I don't care what anyone else says. You're entitled to your emotions. Let's not replicate abuse here by taking that away.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think what @Ellie May said above is part of the expectation of a T's responsibilities, isn't it? :confused:

After reading the OP's post 3 times it seems clear to me, but common sense tells me if you kept asking her, she should have realized it wasn't clear to you, I would think.

It sounds like Ellie May has a better grasp on what you needed than she did. :(

 

[mylunareclipse]

Thank you all and @Ellie May . We haven't met yet since this information. Of course we're going to discuss it (I hope!). But it touched me in very soft spots. Like she kept this information from me as it was uncomfortable to discuss perhaps or perhaps she thought it was best for me to not think about that yet etc. I don't really know. Or maybe maybe she just didn't get my question. Or maybe she thought she was clear enough. Either way it wasn't nice to hear. I feel that if I had had access to this information I might have decided differently on whether to pursue such a long term therapy with her or not, or whether to have asked for a referral earlier on. It has absolutely connected to how I have been hurt and betrayed in the past and been told it was for "my own good". It's just we expect therapists to act at a higher level of care than this. To understand that it's a big deal for us when we have to move on after over 2 years and that information about long-term commitment is important. This makes me feel like she didn't care, felt uncomfortable to discuss or at the very least was not very attuned to me to understand how this might affect me. It has been very very hard for me to truly trust her and I just feel a little devastated.

 

[Tinyflame]

Well for many T's it's their work and there are many people. For the system-user it's their quality of life or survival in question.

Hugs and good luck. :hug:

 

[mylunareclipse]

Aww thank you @Junebug .
I am ok. I will be ok. I am a grown up now and can take care of myself. Been feeling paralyzed with fear the last three days and thrown into crying and being motionless, but I gotta get up. Gotta move on. Maybe I will go for a tiny jog, to break out of this.

 

[AnonymousGirl99]

That's a great idea! I get frozen a lot too, and if you can move, it always helps.

Therapists should act at a higher level of care, you're completely right. I'm so sorry that this is adding to the real work you're there for. Sometimes I feel like I need therapy for therapy. But you'll get through it and you'll find someone who is right and who is attuned. Just remember that, and in the meantime, let yourself feel what you need to. Cry like you have been, but jog when you can. You know how to take care of yourself, I can see that. Well done to you!

:hug::tup::tup:

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes you sound strong, discerning, self-respecting, self-caring, and it will be easier to leave (and they wonder why we feel like :alien: 's! :( ). The harder challenge may be remembering the progress and not the perceived negative, but you sound well on your way. :tup: Best wishes and good luck if you go in to therapy again and with your new position. :) :hug: