Feeling Invalidated

[GWhizz]

I don't know where to put this as I have 2 topics from yesterday that I wanted to address but I didn't want to separate them as they're both leading to feelings of invalidation. So staff please feel free to move this if not in correct area and I apologise in advance.

Yesterday I went to see a psych doctor in the local community mental health service. It's my 3rd tiime meeting with him/his team and it seems each and every time I leave feeling unheard and as though they think I'm just coming looking for attention. The previous time I met with them, I self-harmed after seeing them. The 1st time I got really low afterward and wanted to do something drastic. Anyway, the thing that really got me yesterday is that he basically told me that you cannot get ptsd from something that happened over a long timeframe, that it's a once off trauma and that's what the dsm says, but he'd send me for a psychological assessment anyway which may take months. He then told me I'm obviously an intelligent and capable young woman and that this would just pass very very soon.

I have been attending my therapist for 9months almost now who encouraged me to seek a formal diagnosis as she isn't qualified to diagnose though she believed I have ptsd. Don't get me wrong, I would rather not have ptsd at all. But I know in myself this is not some mild depression or anything. And I'd like a correct diagnosis so that I can get the correct treatment if that makes sense. I have been having constant flashbacks, nightmares, recovering new memories etc for months now. It's not just going away by itself. And for him to tell me it will just disappear as easy as it started, to go of for yet another month's time until he can slot me in again, and continue what I'm doing already (which hasn't helped, even in my T's opinion) is so invalidating. I'm not going there for the fun of it, for sympathy, or because I have nothing better to do. I'm going there because I need help. I'm on meds the last 7months also but nothing helps. The only thing that has ever grounded me was selfharming!

The other point is that I finally told my longterm partner about a lot of my past childhood sexual abuse etc last night. He'd known about most of the physical stuff. But I had begun feeling so guilty keeping all the rest from him. Last Friday I felt it was the right time to tell him some of it. But then, for whatever reason it just wasn't the appropriate time for both of us to get into something that big. Since then he'd asked a few times for me to try telling him some of it. Then last night he caught me trying to cut and he pleaded with me to tell him. So I let him in. But now I feel worse. It's not that his reaction to what I'd disclosed was inadequate or anything, more so his reaction to where I should go from here on with it. And now I just feel like I've ruined one of the good things in my life - my best relationship ever. He also did the one thing I asked him not to (he's a social worker and likes to be the fixer of all problems) - he gave lots of unwanted advice and opinion. He also got mad at my father, saying he wanted to kill him, that he wanted to go to my brother's cemetery and knock his headstone over. I had made him promise before that he wouldn't get annoyed with them, that it wouldn't help as I have never stooped to their level and don't wish to. I want to stay the hell away from them as I'm still afraid of any confrontation with them. I know he reacted this way because he loves me. But it was invalidating as he deterred from the true issue - how it's dominating my present life.

I just don't know what I'm doing with this or where it's headed. I feel awful having to go to therapy or for psych assessments where I'm scrutinized over and over while they rehash my past. Yet they haven't done anything to help my symptoms and seem dismissive of me. Now that I've told my partner a lot more I feel tonnes worse. I thought I may feel somewhat better but I feel so much worse now. I don't know can he ever look at me the same way. He must think I'm a horrible person for not telling him years ago. How will he want to be intimate with me again? I find it hard enough having to think about it during sex, now he will be too it adds serious pressure. How did other people feel when they told their significant others of their trauma, particularly those that still feel highly ashamed and guilty for it all?

Sorry this is so long. Thanks for reading

 

[DromedaryLights]

Hi again,

Thanks for sharing, I'm really sorry you have to go through all that. There is a lot that I identify with there. I wish I knew what to say about the therapy situation, that all sounds pretty weird to me -- I don't think I've ever heard of a therapist flat out invalidating their client's experience before, nor have I heard that you can't get PTSD from several different incidents. I've had a lot of concerns about the people I've seen too, and everyone always tells me to find a therapist who I'm comfortable with and who is helpful.

Sharing stuff with my SO was pretty horrible for me as well, and kind of continues to be so. Honestly pretty much any time I've told anyone it's been frustrating. People don't know what to say, and they don't know how to react. Even when they want to be supportive, they just don't know how. And they don't get what an ongoing, constant struggle it is. It's like, you get maybe a day of sympathy and then they forget and assume you're over it. Or they're just like "Well that guys a total downer so I'm not going to bother talking to him anymore."

Anyway, I'm sure your partner doesn't think you're horrible for not telling him earlier, at least. And if he does, that's his problem not yours. I wish I could say something more helpful, but all I have is this: Yeah, it totally sucks, but at least you're not totally alone in it. I hope it gets better for you!

 

[GWhizz]

Well he didn't say you can't get it from several separate incidents. He said something about it being like an overused umbrella term and that you don't get it from a trauma that happens over a period of say - years - like mine would have. And that it doesn't just suddenly affect you years later. I'm so confused. It's like it's a constant battle fighting with the mental health service alone to advocate for yourself. And the more I speak up, or my partner calls wondering what happened that made me want to cut, the more I feel they look at me like some spoiled attention seeking brat.

My partner is doing his best to be supportive I know he is. I guess I'm just afraid it'll change how he is toward me or that he'd be disgusted by me or something like that. I also just don't know if it was the right thing to do or if I was totally ready to tell him. I thought I'd feel safer having him know and it would lift the weight of withholding. I guess I just need to give it time. It feels like a bad dream and I want to wake up and have not told him. I'm cringing at what he knows. I told him to go away for a few days. He has. But called saying I'm being unfair in some ways. I know I am. I just can't rationalize it all

 

[DromedaryLights]

A lot of this sounds familiar too. I was really hesitant at first about seeking treatment because I was worried that they would treat me the way they are apparently treating you -- like an attention seeking brat. It's just so strange though, it seems like a lot of what they are telling you is pretty much the opposite of what they are telling me. They told me it was common for people to repress memories and not really start to deal with / understand things until their twenties.

I totally know what you mean with the bad dream thing. I felt that way for days after I first told people, and am kind of feeling that way again now. It's pretty weird when things are all out in the open and you can't really hide from them anymore. Anyway, sorry again, and hope it gets better. I'm on here a lot if you ever need to talk!

 

[Friday]

I hate dealing with ignorant idiots when I'm already in a bad spot, I simply don't have the emotional wherewithal to educate them, or fight them, or even just ignore them at times. It sounds like it eventually went in your favor with your doctor as he is referring you into someone who (we hope!) is educated, knowledgeable, and helpful in PTSD.

You know it's not really fair to try and direct how other people feel, though, right? Especially in a 'Promise me you won't feel this or I won't tell you', context, and doubly if that reaction is a normal/expected/healthy reaction.
- Promise me you won't be sad... Your son is dead.
- Promise me you won't be angry... Your son has bee raped.
- Promise me you won't be scared... You have a bomb under your foot

Behaviors are a bit different, like one can ask that another person not cry when sad, or not shout when angry, or not run away or start shaking when scared. But while one can moderate their own behaviors to a degree, simply not feeling something because someone else doesn't want us to is... Kind of an impossible standard.

 

[ghotiff]

I completely understand your desire for a diagnosis. I don't have one and I'm not sure if my symptoms are significant enough to warrant one (I'm back to high functioning). However, I told my new T this and explained that while a diagnosis was not important to me, I want to be treated from a PTSD framework. She has agreed to this and it helps me.

 

[scout86]

I don't know what to say about the psych doctor. Someone once told me "Always remember, 50% of them were in the bottom half of their class." I'm thinking he may have been in the bottom half of his class AND absent the day this stuff was discussed. Sounds like your T is probably ok, though, which is good.

As far as your partner goes, I'd be willing to bet his feelings towards you haven't changed. I can remember feeling what you're feeling, and thinking the same things. The world went on, the relationship went on, and I was amazed to find out there wasn't any negative fall out. You'll have to give that time, to be sure, but I'd bet it's ok.

I have to confess, I had the same reaction as @FridayJones to the idea of promising not to get mad. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings, us, as well as the people we know. When I first told a SO about what had happened to me, he got angry too. I have to confess, I was amazed and thought it was kind of cool. It was the first time in my life I'd met anyone who seemed to think I was worth defending. His reaction really touched me and I'll never forget it. When we parted at the end of that conversation, I was sure the world was coming to an end and that, when we met the following day, his feelings about me would be completely different. That he'd see me as "damaged goods" and all that. Not at all what happened! Sometimes, you have to take these risks to get to the other side and what's on the other side can be good.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Anyway, the thing that really got me yesterday is that he basically told me that you cannot get ptsd from something that happened over a long timeframe, that it's a once off trauma and that's what the dsm says, but he'd send me for a psychological assessment anyway which may take months.

That just doesn't seem to make sense to me. Do if you can't get PTSD from that, what do you call it? Because I am pretty sure that being abused for a long time, qualifies as traumatic. It is not surprise that you feel invalidated.

I told my partner that I was sexually abused fairly recently. I did not tell him any details. After I told him, the only thing he wanted to know was if I could still lead a "normal" life (he didn't phrase it that way, but I get why he asked- has to do with his mother) and he wanted to know details. I wouldn't give him details and I reminded him that I already wasn't his mother (which he completely agreed with me on, it's just we'd been talking about her life right before I told him). Anyway, he still loves me and treats me as he did before. Some day I will have to fill him in on some details because he can trigger me and not understand why and I think he needs to know, but I am not ready to tell him. I think you were very brave for telling your partner.

 

[GWhizz]

That's just it @ghotiff I feel like I give the impression from an outwardly perspective that I'm fine because I am high functioning. Maybe if I was debilitated or went in and exaggerated things I may be taken seriously. Yet I'm being treated like I'm totally exaggerating why I feel so crap just now. He literally told me the last 2 meetings that he thinks this is just a little struggle at the moment and that I'll be back to 'normal' within months if not weeks. I'm reassured that they don't just throw out labels or diagnosis' at the drop of a hat. But HELLO I've been fighting this for 9 months now with zero let up, if anything I feel worse now than ever.

Thanks for your insights @scout86 and @FridayJones I totally acknowledge that it was wrong of me to not expect him to express his true feelings. I guess it's like asking him to promise not to get mad and then saying I cheated on him or something.

@JEKBreatheandBelieve thank you it was really hard and still feels surreal even when he doesn't know much detail at all yet. I know he wants to know more too though he is being patient and seems just happier that I shared what I have as he was so in the dark before. He said everything makes sense now. I know it's crazy to expect him to bear with the constant ups and downs if he has no idea where it's coming from

 

[Friday]

<grin> You know one thing I really like, @GWhizz? That you do expect that of him. That even though it's not exactly fair to ask him not to feel a certain way, and even though he blathered on after you asked him not to... What trust! What an awesome connection you two must have for your knee jerk response to be: I expect you to be patient & bear the ups and downs, and I expect you to be in Sympatico and rise above being angry with me.

Maybe not pragmatic, and maybe cutting him a little slack (okay, fine, be human) is needed... But I really like where your heart is at. You trust this man. You believe in him. The foundation is there. Now it's deciding what & how to build on it. That's good stuff.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

He said everything makes sense now.

My husband said that, too.

 

[ghotiff]

I give the impression from an outwardly perspective that I'm fine because I am high functioning. Maybe if I was debilitated or went in and exaggerated things I may be taken seriously. Yet I'm being treated like I'm totally exaggerating

I so hear you on this one. I have had it all my life. My personal take on "why" is that from an early age my emotions were at the very least not validated (parents in denial) and more likely I think I was told it wasn't that bad and that I'm making it out to be worse than it is (definitely someone told me this regularly, I just don't know who).

Point is, I did not learn how to show my emotions appropriately as the deep ones I had I needed to hide. This creates problems for this trying to "read" me (like I think this idiot was trying to do). The "funniest" time this happened was during a miscarriage at the hospital where I wasn't showing appropriate emotions (I was fairly matter-of-fact about it). That hospital stay did not go well.

This guy has no valid experience with "real" trauma. I know it's hard to let it go, but it's him...not you!