Feeling Jealous

[NarcSis]

I just read the blog post of another medic who is undergoing blue pajama treatment after a suicide attempt. I can't help but feel anger and jealousy because she is getting treatment and support and she is being fast-tracked into an inpatient program at Homewood.
It's been six years for me and despite the years of therapy and skill building I still deal every day with feeling like I'm broken and alone. I don't know exactly why I'm stuck, what I'm actually stuck on and I don't have the financial means to seek further therapy. I do know that something is keeping me stuck here at this level though (circumstance?).

In order to get into inpatient, you have to be a suicide attempt, an addict or a threat to yourself (or have the dollars up front). Throughout my recovery, I have never been any of those because I was "self-aware" enough to avoid those negative traps. She seems to be doing well, thriving and I guess, really, I'm afraid that I'm going to watch her bounce right back into her job when I could not handle the sheer amount of triggers there.

It kinda makes me feel more alone and "damaged" when I see others getting better so quickly. Is it wrong to feel jealous of them? What techniques can I use to help myself deal with this? Or should I simply just stop reading her blog?

 

[shimmerz]

I have seen a number of people who have come out of homewood and they don't 'bounce back'. Has your experience been different?

It does seem wrong to have to act out in order to get to top on the list. It is almost like being punished because we are no displaying certain things. Six years is a long time to wait and I would be frustrated and angry too @Medic72. It is not right.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Sometimes what people show on the outside is not always what's going on on the inside. And sometimes people who are blogging can lead you astray. I am not saying this is the case, but just something to consider.

I agree that it isn't right that you have to actually be a threat to yourself or others to get help. It would be nice to be able to get help before one reaches that point and for other people who need help who won't let themselves ever reach that point (which is a positive).

I am sorry you are feeling so alone and damaged. You're definitely not alone in feeling like that though.

 

[Cool Cat]

It does really annoy me that point you highlighted, how you have to do something serious to get quality treatment.
I've heard stories in Ireland of people who had to self-harm to be taken seriously, to be honest, I'm one of them.
I subconsciously knew when I was self-harming that going to someone with self-harm, they couldn't turn me away.
Even though in later sessions, my T said that wasn't true, I can't help seeing some level of truth in it.
In Ireland there's a great service for people who have self-harmed or are suicidal, but you have to be one of those first.
Otherwise you have to pay or wait for months.

 

[Cool Cat]

I hope you can get what you need btw. Maybe find someone who does a reduced rate? **hugs**

Sometimes what people show on the outside is not always what's going on on the inside. And sometimes people who are blogging can lead you astray.

+1 IMO I think a some mental health bloggers exaggerate and simplify

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Unfortunately the phrase the squeaky wheel gets the grease very much applies. And why shouldn't it? Those who are more symptomatic get the heaviest types of treatment.

I'd stop reading her blog if it is upsetting you.

I've recommended to many that they seek out inpatient care but many are too proud, saying they don't need it and that they can do it on their own (ie at home with a therapist they seek weekly). Well, since I opted for inpatient treatment (of various levels, not just 'lock me up, I'm suicidal'), my treatment is now much further along. I opted for the fast track and they're still struggling along with weekly therapy that seems to flounder. Not saying this is you, but if people would set aside their pride, in many cases their healing would progress a lot faster.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hugs.

 

[Cool Cat]

if people would set aside their pride, in many cases their healing would progress a lot faster.

That quote is ridiculously true.
I fall in the category of someone who is too proud for a lot of things.

 

[shimmerz]

I get that the one's most symptomatic get treatment first but really, 6 years and no help? I think that is more the issue the OP is trying to get across here. Sure, help others but don't forget about me or sweep me under the cover is what I am getting from this posting. And I agree that this is hurtful, not helpful, dismissive and many other minimalizing words.

 

[NarcSis]

I underwent weekly therapy for 3 years, so although I did receive treatment, I was never approved for intensive inpatient programs simply because I wasn't considered "bad enough".
I think mostly I'm just upset because although not "bad enough" I'm still suffering since the financial support for therapy ran out and I've been chugging along as best I can for three years.
I'm relieved with the good advice like not every blog is painting the whole picture and not everyone bounces back after inpatient treatment.
I get frustrated when I start comparing my progress to others when I know that my progress is mine alone and it's unfair to me to start comparing.
I'm upset because if I'd been "bad enough" from the start would I have been afforded better treatment?