Feeling Like A Jerk

[Spero3]

My apologies, as I think some of what I say here is a repeat of a post from Saturday night. This weekend, I was supposed to stay Friday and Saturday night with my partner. I stayed Friday night, but on Saturday her younger daughter seemed a little uncomfortable with my staying there (at least that was the impression my partner had). We are in the middle of slowly integrating our families and spending more time with each other's kids. My partner has stayed at my house a couple times with my boys there. Understand that we have taken this very slowly and were together for a long time before we even told our kids, because we wanted to be sure that our relationship was going to last.

When my partner told me she was sorry but didn't want me to stay, I had a very strong reaction inside. I felt hurt and rejected. My head knows it's not about me, but my body still reacts as if I am a child and I feel hurt and shut out. As usual, I got very quiet. She could tell something was wrong. She pushed me into opening up to her. I felt so lame telling her how I felt, and I told her I did not expect her to change her mind. I talked to her about how I felt, how I knew it was just my body reacting, and she listened and was very kind about it. As it turns out, her daughter was fine, and I did stay over there last night (both of my sons are gone this weekend).

Then today, I had a similar reaction because she brought up her annual, family beach trip she is taking this summer. I thought I was supposed to go with her, but a few weeks ago I found out that I was not going, because she was not comfortable with it, because of her older daughter's issues with the divorce. Her older daughter is adopted and has a lot of issues around the adoption, is upset by her mom and dad's divorce, and is also, quite frankly, a spoiled brat who is very manipulative. She really knows how to jerk her mother's (my partner) chain and is often verbally abusive. I've seen her in action, and she is nasty, which also really upsets me, because I hate bullies. My partner's sister and her family really want me to come, but my partner says next year. So, when the subject came up again today, I had the same reaction I did to being told I had to leave Saturday night. I felt hurt, and got quiet because I am afraid to share my feelings. Part of me is furious at myself for having these reactions that I feel are childish. I am ashamed. Another part of me is very hurt. My head knows that it's not about me, but my body feels like that little kid who got ignored and shoved aside and was not given love.

Now, I am sitting here feeling like a jerk and am full of anxiety, because I feel like a spoiled brat who is pouting. My partner has been nothing but loving and patient. I know she loves me very much. But, I feel like my feelings are childish and that I should just shut up. She wants me to talk to her and says that our relationship won't make it if we can't talk. I know she is right and am always supportive when she talks to me. I feel sad and ashamed.

Spero

 

[The Albatross]

Spero... you are not a jerk. You are being presented with real life situations... we aren't intetrated to our feelings. Our rational minds "know" but our body reactions are where we're stuck at. Consider the situations involved and know that you are experiencing them for "self improvement"... they are new perspectives, that can use some decision making and working through for your relationship to be successful.

I know for myself, I tend to cling... to those who support me, or tended to... but for a fundamental change, and to be most successful at relationships... I need to resolve the inner conflict... insecurity, abandonment, and yeah maybe even some of my "wants"... so that I can be an equal and true partner... one who compliments my partner, not one who takes presidence (spelling?)... because at my core that is not what I want... I want to be fully integrated in a family of individuals... not the one to walk on eggshells around.

You are observing it, the tendency... you can do something about it and it doesn't involve sadness or shame. Press on and work through those feelings... see what is underneath.

 

[Kintsugi]

Albatross is right: you are not a jerk, and this is a great place to begin work.

I will add that, though you feel childish, your childish feelings are valid and don't comprise you totally. Your adult mind is able to recognize the dissonance between your gut reaction and your rational perspective. This is great. You can acknowledge the feelings from childhood and then move away from them, like looking at a stranger as you pass by. There they are, and there you go moving right on past them.

I feel like I am lecturing myself right now. Could easily be me.

(((Spero)))

 

[Spero3]

Thanks for the words of support. They give me perspective. I also talked with a good friend of mine who reminded me that my feelings are valid. I was able to talk to my partner telling her that I just needed her to listen and that I was not asking her to do anything. I promised her several months ago that I would talk to her even when I am terrified, so that is what I did. At first, she was defensive, but then she calmed down when she realized I was not attacking her. She listened and was very supportive. It was good. I am now dealing with the repercussions of talking to her - pretty bad anxiety as my body is now expecting me to be punished. I feel like I am going to be sick to my stomach. But, the more I learn to talk, the less severe the anxiety - at least that is what I hope.

Spero

 

[Kintsugi]

Perhaps you should consider rewarding yourself, defying your bodily expectations. Ice cream? A movie? A haircut, nails? A new shirt?

I buy my puppy toys to reward myself because it makes me so happy. Maybe contradicting your feelings would be healthy?