Feeling Mortified After Yesterday's Session

[MariaTPhD]

I am curious...why do you feel dissociating is a bad thing? It is the way your mind copes with a stressful event. Did you think it means you failed? Because you didn't. If you were my client, I would be so proud of your progress! Having a dissociative event is not something to be ashamed of! It means you are doing hard work and deserve a medal!

It sounds like you blame yourself for having struggles. It is okay to struggle. Without struggle, there is no growth. You are doing an amazing job! Most people would just give up, but not you! You pushed through it and it got to the point where you dissociated. I would see this as a very brave person facing something he or she did not have to face, but chose to face anyway. That takes so much courage!

If you were my client, I would be begging to write a journal article about your progress! What amazing self awareness! You must be a really authentic person, one that would be an awesome friend!

Kudos to you! I know you see this as a negative, but it is ANYTHING but negative! You are a hard-working client! And if you feel needy, that is okay. You may need a little kind attention. You probably earned it many times over. Good work!

God bless your healing!

 

[I'm not Spiderman]

Hi Barefoot,

This similar situation happened to me in therapy where I totally dissociated and my therapist was concerned about how I would get home. I do not think it was as severe as you had it but I definitely can relate. I am so sorry that this happened to you.

Please do not feel mortified, or disappointed, or ashamed, or horrible. You are not the only one who has felt this way. I just want you to know that you are not alone. The one I relate to the most is this sense of fear and you don't even know where the fear is - that is the most debilitating feeling ever.

I read your post and I felt awful that another human being felt this way too. But I read it again, and I saw someone that knows exactly how they feel and someone who can articulate their emotions. I see someone who is in touch with their feelings and can identify what they want and do not want to feel. I don't think you're doing as badly as you think you are.

I found, when I was in therapy, that the dark always came right before the dawn. I went through horrific sessions which were a struggle, but they led to big breakthroughs and I think that is part of the healing process. It is like the pain that a runner feels sprinting as fast as they can and pushing themselves to their ultimate limits, and then comes the glorious finish line.

Stay strong.

 

[barefoot]

Thanks for sharing your experiences @I'm not Spiderman
It helped to read your post.
Sorry to hear you're struggling too.

 

[watundah]

Im treading along some similar line where I am not convinced that what I endured as a 4 year old is as bad as what I carry from 18 years of compiled neglect, but my therapist keeps bringing up the fact that I was molested and that the body carries that memory. The neglect makes my heart hurt while the molestation is a distant, blurry memory. Is that denial or a difference of opinion? She asked me last week if I felt I had the courage to delve deeper into old memories. I know there is debate as to whether that's necessary, but sometimes you have to bare the wound to make it heal. It is truly a difficult journey.

 

[barefoot]

@watundah - I think you maybe meant to post this in the other thread?

But...yes...my therapist was talking the other day about the difference between brain and body memories....that I will always want to intellectualise, rationalise, analyse, cognitively understand something... But that doesn't happen with the body.

She was saying that anything our body experiences is stored in the body - so when the experiences are traumatic and our brains have split things off and compartmentalised them or when we dissociated at the time so then our brain memories are fuzzy (or, I guess, if we were very young)...the memories we can sometimes rely on most are our body memories.

So I suppose that's what I'm finding confusing. Intellectually, I don't think what happened was "that bad". But my body (and my physical symptoms) currently seem to say something different... If nothing bad happened, why do I dissociate? If nothing bad happened, why can I be triggered into standing with my nose pressed against a wall with my whole body shaking? If nothing bad happened, why can I not bear for anyone to touch me in any way at the moment?

So, on one level, I do get it... But I can't seem to match it all up so that it all feels whole and complete. It feels like there's too much internal conflict...part of me gets it and part of me rejects it. An internal battle. And both parts can't surely be right? But I don't know how to choose the bit that's right and then get everything completely on the same page believing it's right. Ugh...!

It is indeed a truly difficult journey...

What did you decide in terms of whether you felt you had the courage to delve deeper into some of your old memories?

 

[watundah]

Yes, sorry, wrong thread.

Logical mind is always getting in the way, it's a 400lb gorilla in lime green stretch pants. Part of how we keep things at a distance and manageable.

Yes, good point. She did make reference to dissociation being part of the fuzzy memory.

I told her Id do whatever it takes. Easy to say and she will be very slowly dragging avoidant me across the carpet like a cat with its nails dug in. I love her limitless patience.

 

[barefoot]

Logical mind is always getting in the way, it's a 400lb gorilla in lime green stretch pants.

First time I've laughed all day - thanks! :-)

A slow dragging is still movement ;-)
I think we're both lucky with our therapists - good job we have each other to remind ourselves of this when the gorilla in lime green tries to make us lose the faith!

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @barefoot , not sure if this helps but it showed up in my mailbox (unrequested) today, quoted from F. Strassman about her clients with a different-than-ptsd but somewhat similar in ways issue (difficult, daily, complicated, often misunderstood, self-blaming, etc):

".. Urgent need, but hard to follow through. Or stick with it. Vicious circle. I never mind trying with them (clients) as I know how badly they need what they are seeking, even if they can’t quite grab it..

I remember early on in my work with my teacher (Taoist master) he said anyone who wants real change, and is lucky enough to find a real teacher, must stay with the teacher while they can, as the teacher gets worn down by the reluctance of people to learn from good teaching and just wears out. That get-it-while-you-can-as-there-may-not-be-another made such an impression on me that I stayed, although a thousand times I wanted to quit. It is very hard work."

I, too, probably have the wrong thread. But I understand (very well) the feelings of being mortified, horrified, & shame. And feeling it's better to leave or disappear or quit, too. :(

Best wishes to you (on both threads). :notworthy: :hug:

 

[barefoot]

Thank you @Junebug - that really moved me.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes I was kind of shocked too. Normally I think of it the other way round, that it's more beneficial to everyone to leave (I wouldn't use the word 'quit').

 

[angrypanda]

Ok, I've totally been there and used to beat myself up over disassociating. I saw it as a sign of weakness or failure. HOWEVER my therapist told me this is a skill I learned for survival. The ability to disassociate saved my sanity. Kept my personality from splitting. Gave me a "safe place" to go when my mind couldn't cope. This is just your mind trying to protect you. You will keep at it and find your way out of it, like feeling around in the fog.