Undiagnosed Feeling silly for being afraid to seek therapy!

[ASouthernBreeze]

Hello All,

Not really sure where to begin...Guess I should start with my post header. I feel afraid/nervous/anxious for some reason to go back and seek therapy. I feel like I'm going to be judged somehow by my family history of mental illness and I'm not going to be seen for ME! Side Note: My mother was DX'd with it Bipolar, Borderline Personality, Suicidal Tendencies and Depression.

I was DX'd with Bipolar Disorder 15 years ago and on meds for a few years which never did anything. I've never slept very well so recently sought out people that might be of like mind. I found a Bipolar chat and got to know a lot of the people on there. One day someone brought up dx's, meds and what everyone was taking. I had no answer for type of Bipolar or meds, as I haven't been on any in 11 years. So many of them wondered how I was regulating my "cycles" (up and downs) and I said I don't have any. They questioned me if I was Bipolar at all (insert uneasy feeling). So I started doing research about Bipolar Disorder, watching videos, speakers, etc...and started to realize I might have been misdiagnosed.

I've been friends with my next door neighbor for quite some time. He's a Vietnam Vet, he's always told me he thought I had PTSD because we react to the same things or behave the same way sometimes. We started a bit of a check list of sorts.

Similarities:
Don't like our backs turned to people: back to the wall and clear field of view. Very alert to outside sounds, feeling of people inside/outside the house.

Don't like sudden sounds: dishes hitting the floor, pots banging in the sink, backfire from motor vehicle, being snuck up on.

Concentration issues: sometimes feeling like our thoughts are scrambled. He speaks very slowly and concise but I often speak very quickly, especially when I feel I have something important to say or get excited.

Anxiety: I usually have it everyday (scale 1-10=2) but sometimes it's hard to get out of bed. I feel exhausted and I have this negative energy in my abdomen I can't shake. He has a pretty high anxiety most of the time.

Nightmares: He doesn't delve to deep into to many of his and I understand why. I've had some pretty scary, recurring nightmares since I was a child.

I also believe that I may have ASD...the more I research the symptoms (my DS 6yrs was DX's not long ago), the more I realize how similar we are.

I worry that if I go straight into a T's office and say here...this is what I think, they're going to brush me off like they did before. Maybe I'm just over reacting? Any advice on how to get through this? I really need to see someone but I keep putting it off. :(

 

[Abigail7]

If you don't have cycles of any kind, up (mania/hypo mania) and down (depression), long or short in duration, then it's not possible to have bipolar disorder as bipolar disorder involves cycling of the mood up and down to various degrees (higher and lower than normal mood fluctuations). It is possible to have mood ups and downs with PTSD but it's a bit different in nature.

I suggest finding a trauma therapist who will be able to recognize trauma symptoms. With your symptoms it sounds like you have trauma symptoms at the very least, if not full blown PTSD. A trauma therapist won't blow you off (well, the good ones won't).

 

[Enaila]

Unless your therapist makes you sign some sort of contract for number of visits, what will it hurt going in and sharing what you did in the thread? Most places I know allow a person to choose not to return if they truly do not wish to. Give it a try. It isn't a life sentence and if you are feeling like you need to go....you probably do. Listen to your inner voice and take the steps needed to live the healthiest happiest life you can!

 

[Suzetig]

PTSD diagnosis is a complex thing because it mirrors and overlaps with lots of other conditions. It's entirely possible you did have bi-polar and have recovered, the things you identify could be PTSD but the "D" stands for disorder which generally means the symptoms significantly interfere with daily life and if that we're the case, you'd know all about it. There does seem to be something stressing you which might merit therapy but try not to get hung up on a diagnosis beforehand. You don't need to know what's "wrong" before you go and actually there may not be an active diagnosis but you still need support. It may be worth just making an appointment with a T and explaining the things that are causing you bother.

I'm wondering why you think a T would judge your family background of mental illness - it's not something you had any control over?

 

[joeylittle]

@ASouthernBreeze - an assortment of symptoms doesn't create a diagnosis. Do you know what your trauma event would have been?

Bipolar is often misdiagnosed, especially in the mid to late teens. But the spectrum is also pretty wide - as I'm sure you know, having spent time on a bipolar forum.

Having a family history of mental illness - "genetic load" it's sometimes called - is a part of the big picture. But so much about mental illness is still being discovered, and if there's one thing everyone's aware of, it's that there's no empirical way to test and diagnose anything. So, all the pieces of the puzzle - your family history, the conditions you grew up, major life events, other health issues, and self-reported symptoms - all make up the full picture.

Having said that, good doctors will take into account when a family member was diagnosed. Your mom technically can't have all those diagnoses simultaneously, because some overlap too much. The way they look like they'd group is, she may have been bipolar with a more pronounced depressive cycle (creating the depression diagnosis, with strong suicidal ideation as part of that) and a more histrionic manic cycle (creating the impression of borderline). Or, she may have been a person with BPD, and the mood swings and suicidal thinking were all part of that. She also could have been BPD, co-morbid with one of the depression types (there are five if I recall correctly).

If you encounter a doctor who actually wants to diagnose you primarily based on your reporting of your mother's diagnosis - I'd say, go find another doctor. Seriously. What they should want to know is what the major symptoms were, and how it may have affected you - not because of genes, but because of environment.

I worry that if I go straight into a T's office and say here...this is what I think, they're going to brush me off like they did before.

I think you might want to start with a clinical psychologist. Check out how the licensing works in your state, and who is qualified to diagnose. Sometimes therapists at a certain level are; other times, not (because the specialized training and supervised hours don't add up to enough experience).

It's really fine to go in with a clean slate and say, these are my symptoms, this is my biography, this is my family history....what do you think might be going on with me? You might only do enough sessions with this person to get a more informed diagnosis, and some recommendations for where to begin with actual therapy.

Anyone who tries to blow you off, isn't worth your time :)

And welcome. :tup:

 

[ASouthernBreeze]

@Suzetig As for symptoms that interfere with daily life... I'm on SSI because I can't work (on paper, says because I can't handle authority). I don't see how defending yourself when someone yells at you for making a mistake, meaning one can't handle authority. I guess I could've yelled a little louder, probably said some not so nice things and slid all those cores on the ground and they broke before walking off the job. But in reality if he would've handled it differently instead of screaming in my face I could've handle my end a little better. Moving on....I've been known to sleepwalk (especially on sleeps meds.), scare easily, Anxiety (had a bought of being scared to die. No logical reason for it. Would last for weeks and then come back a few months later.), whole body tremors, not wanting to go anywhere (even though I had every intention on going the day/s before), I avoid driving at all cost, always researching EVERYTHING, sometimes to the point of exhaustion. This researching thing usually interferes with daily activities, as well as household responsibilities. I can't seem to stop it either, like I'm obsessed.

@joeylittle Trama Event: hmmm where do I begin? When I was younger, we were in and out of foster care a lot because of my Mom. She was very abusive (physically, mentally and verbally), psychotic at points and eventually left when I was 9yrs old. She left me and my sisters with my Dad. Poor guy didn't know what to do with these three damaged girls.

I think I'll stop here...my Anxiety is going up. So much more to say but I just can't do it right now.

Hope this sheds a little bit more light on some of the questions asked. Thanks for listening, responding and giving your advice. It's really much appreciated.

 

[keta]

A Southern Breeze (I love that name!) I agree with what I've read that at some point, the diagnosis is only so relevant. Yes of course b/c meds in bipolar are important, but maybe just having somebody you can talk to week after week who can kind of be someone who is there that you can depend on would help. Have yu heard of the Adverse Childhood Experience Scale (I think that's wht it's called, the abreviation is ACES) your score is no doubt really high! Whether you have a diagnosis or PTSD or not, you've suffered trauma! Some sort of trauma informed therapy would be helpful I bet.
It's hard. I agree it's really, really hard to believe that our own negative beliefs about ourselves, our thoughts, our backgrounds, our histories won't be prejudged the same way by someone else but you have to have faith in what is an essential part of a therapist's profession and keeping on trying.. I realize your note is so long ago. Oh! You could very well have been posting on other parts of the forum I realized :-). I hope so and best to you!