Acceptance vs giving up...I honestly can't tell the difference!!
Everything is slowly but surely going downhill it seems, in spite of years of appointments, different meds, different specialists, trying to incorporate yoga, soothing music, teddy bears, all that good sh#t. I had a laparoscopy scheduled to identify and possibly take care of source of some of my horrid cramping. I went through the pure hell of asking for help to get home from the surgery and have someone with me for a day or so while majorly medicated. But then I ended up canceling because my body was so exhausted and stressed already and I knew I was not in a good place to tolerate being put under or go through the pain...I really imagined wanting to kill myself. So I had in mind I had to just get a little stronger or feel better about my resources...and try one last option for that pain. That last option isn't working super well but I am told by my doc that it's just a hard adjustment and I should give it more time. It's been over a month with very little improvement, and worse lately. For the past week the pain hasn't stopped. I got in to see my doctor yesterday and everything she could tell was okay (aside from not being able to put a scope in there).
I could still do laparoscopy but on top of this I've found out my new insurance might not cover my therapy (SE type, more helpful for pain, somatic trauma stuff for me than trying to talk and get anything useful out of it). I've lost some good connections because of chronic injury and having to quit one of my gigs, and my one good friend leaving (the kind of person who seemed to just like being around me and it wasn't so scary to ask for help, or just talk). I can't afford any more Pilates classes or lessons, which felt empowering. I'm worried enough about affording utilities for my house. I can't afford therapy if my new insurance won't help. My therapist doesn't think it will because the company has never worked with her. I have a number to call but can't get myself to do it because I know I will have a meltdown, so I'm trying to process all this in bits. The only therapy in the approved big clinics around me is CBT type, talk therapy, etc...which I've done to many dead ends already. I feel like I'm just left with painkillers as my main resource, and that's crappy...and scary with my addiction history. I'm on an approved cocktail of pain meds, actually taking far less than I could, but I don't want to end up in some numbed out drug dependency.
On top of the cramp stuff I have chronic back pain...that seems more trauma-connected. I started hoping maybe I was accessing that better in therapy, but continuing therapy seems in question. Between the various pains, and my feeling of dwindling resources and support, I feel like I have to protect myself. I even feel like I want my pain because I feel forced to accept it, or too disempowered right now. I lack good internal support for myself and the ability to connect with others in meaningful ways (I HAVE BEEN TRYING! It involves totally transforming the way I've been since forever), but physical pain, like self-injury or an eating disorder, seems to contain what I can't share with others or manage on my own. Low level pain feels NORMAL. But when it's stabbing, unpredictable, relentless, or uncontrollable, I feel really scared and angry and lost as to how to just "survive." My nightmares are bad again and full of gaps, but I don't even want to talk about it with my therapist because I would rather focus on putting my walls or my bubble back up at this point!!!! I will just be left with this and it's too raw. I have to crawl back into a hole. For now I'm betting on lots of distractions. I'm afraid I'm losing my will to try too hard because I fear pain on all levels is too deep or complicated and either nobody can help me (or wants to try), nobody can understand, and doctors can only prescribe painkillers. It takes me a REALLY LONG TIME to warm up to anyone face-to-face or in the same space. I think this therapist is the most patient and gentle type yet and I still feel like I totally disappear or dissociate a lot, even after a couple years. WHY START OVER!?? I will be dead before I recover anyway, so I want to just find a new bubble. I know I can't but I am going to try, damn it. Even if similar therapy could be found in my network I feel too damaged and exhausted to start over. I feel really confused and like I'd rather find a way to stop trying and just half forget everything that hurts. Better distractions.
I feel like my brain is a little scrambled. But I'm really lost between what is "acceptance" and what is "giving up". My body isn't letting me gain better resources and I'm pretty tired of my efforts. I've done my best I think. I should do a laparoscopy but I will destroy myself. So I realize I am preserving myself on a protective level (though maladaptive). I should talk to my therapist about the therapy thing too but I don't want to this week. I can't handle any of this. Focused mainly on distractions until I can take more meds. Not sure what I'm saying or asking for...but thanks for reading.
Everything is slowly but surely going downhill it seems, in spite of years of appointments, different meds, different specialists, trying to incorporate yoga, soothing music, teddy bears, all that good sh#t. I had a laparoscopy scheduled to identify and possibly take care of source of some of my horrid cramping. I went through the pure hell of asking for help to get home from the surgery and have someone with me for a day or so while majorly medicated. But then I ended up canceling because my body was so exhausted and stressed already and I knew I was not in a good place to tolerate being put under or go through the pain...I really imagined wanting to kill myself. So I had in mind I had to just get a little stronger or feel better about my resources...and try one last option for that pain. That last option isn't working super well but I am told by my doc that it's just a hard adjustment and I should give it more time. It's been over a month with very little improvement, and worse lately. For the past week the pain hasn't stopped. I got in to see my doctor yesterday and everything she could tell was okay (aside from not being able to put a scope in there).
I could still do laparoscopy but on top of this I've found out my new insurance might not cover my therapy (SE type, more helpful for pain, somatic trauma stuff for me than trying to talk and get anything useful out of it). I've lost some good connections because of chronic injury and having to quit one of my gigs, and my one good friend leaving (the kind of person who seemed to just like being around me and it wasn't so scary to ask for help, or just talk). I can't afford any more Pilates classes or lessons, which felt empowering. I'm worried enough about affording utilities for my house. I can't afford therapy if my new insurance won't help. My therapist doesn't think it will because the company has never worked with her. I have a number to call but can't get myself to do it because I know I will have a meltdown, so I'm trying to process all this in bits. The only therapy in the approved big clinics around me is CBT type, talk therapy, etc...which I've done to many dead ends already. I feel like I'm just left with painkillers as my main resource, and that's crappy...and scary with my addiction history. I'm on an approved cocktail of pain meds, actually taking far less than I could, but I don't want to end up in some numbed out drug dependency.
On top of the cramp stuff I have chronic back pain...that seems more trauma-connected. I started hoping maybe I was accessing that better in therapy, but continuing therapy seems in question. Between the various pains, and my feeling of dwindling resources and support, I feel like I have to protect myself. I even feel like I want my pain because I feel forced to accept it, or too disempowered right now. I lack good internal support for myself and the ability to connect with others in meaningful ways (I HAVE BEEN TRYING! It involves totally transforming the way I've been since forever), but physical pain, like self-injury or an eating disorder, seems to contain what I can't share with others or manage on my own. Low level pain feels NORMAL. But when it's stabbing, unpredictable, relentless, or uncontrollable, I feel really scared and angry and lost as to how to just "survive." My nightmares are bad again and full of gaps, but I don't even want to talk about it with my therapist because I would rather focus on putting my walls or my bubble back up at this point!!!! I will just be left with this and it's too raw. I have to crawl back into a hole. For now I'm betting on lots of distractions. I'm afraid I'm losing my will to try too hard because I fear pain on all levels is too deep or complicated and either nobody can help me (or wants to try), nobody can understand, and doctors can only prescribe painkillers. It takes me a REALLY LONG TIME to warm up to anyone face-to-face or in the same space. I think this therapist is the most patient and gentle type yet and I still feel like I totally disappear or dissociate a lot, even after a couple years. WHY START OVER!?? I will be dead before I recover anyway, so I want to just find a new bubble. I know I can't but I am going to try, damn it. Even if similar therapy could be found in my network I feel too damaged and exhausted to start over. I feel really confused and like I'd rather find a way to stop trying and just half forget everything that hurts. Better distractions.
I feel like my brain is a little scrambled. But I'm really lost between what is "acceptance" and what is "giving up". My body isn't letting me gain better resources and I'm pretty tired of my efforts. I've done my best I think. I should do a laparoscopy but I will destroy myself. So I realize I am preserving myself on a protective level (though maladaptive). I should talk to my therapist about the therapy thing too but I don't want to this week. I can't handle any of this. Focused mainly on distractions until I can take more meds. Not sure what I'm saying or asking for...but thanks for reading.
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