Feels Like I'm Going Backwards

[Crow]

So no caffeine, very little sugar, intense sessions over the past month have culminated into me spiraling back to where I was physically five years ago. I'm dissociating, falling, having incredible rage attacks. T has requested two sessions a week for the next six weeks or so. That's $680 more upfront a month I don't have. But I have to think hard to say the correct year and location where I live. I've actually blurted out 1977 a few times.

My workday is almost done. This has been maddening today and I feel like a caged animal. I am fighting the impulse to self harm - something that's not been in the foreground for a while. T says this is progress. And so it is.

 

[Milu]

Please stay strong and keep fighting.
I am having therapy twice a week as well and financially I can't afford it...I know how that is. It f*cking sucks.
But keep fighting those impulses to self harm. Don't let them win.
Every night I battle my brain...the images that pop up in my mind are embarrassing to talk about, but I talk myself out of suicide every night. And the next morning I feel ashamed for having those thoughts, but proud that I didn't cut, scrape, scratch, punch myself... nothing.
The downward spiral seems never ending, but that's only because our minds are clouded and we forget that the spiral goes BOTH ways.
Stay strong.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

I hope you feel better soon. I know for a fact that unsweetened apple juice is a great energy booster. http://www.mycaffeineaddiction.com/...tives-avoid-the-negative-effects-of-caffeine/