Fiction Writing As A Tool In My Coping Toolbox

[712xx]

I’ve taken to writing morbid fiction; not intended as a coping tool, but it has sort of become one of those self-medicating things that just happen naturally over time. I used to write for story archive sites, but it felt very vulnerable when I’d receive comments like, “wow, it is like I’m inside your mind.” That freaked me out, so stopped posting my stories online.

I did do it for a while, but even though it was fiction, the material was coming from a very real and wounded place – as I suppose only the kind of material I was writing about could only come from such a place. I did realize I was putting more of myself into the writing than I had anticipated.

When I saw Angelina Jolie’s reactions when she was unveiling to the world her first documentary she wrote and produced herself, I saw her fear and vulnerability, and directly associated with it – I actually felt her fear (or imagined it) when I saw her doing her first interview for the reveal.

I still write for myself, but it is progressively becoming darker and hard to even reread when I’m finished with a section. Do you think this is a healthy outlet if unshared with anyone? Does anyone else have these writing phases they turn to as a self-medication tool?

 

[Kimpersonal]

Good Morning. :) I'm going to sit on this subject with you and see what answers come in. I have no idea if this is a healthy outlet or not, but I can tell you that I self-medicate with writing also. Morbidity is affixed to quite a substantial percentage of what I write as well. Sometimes I wonder if I am attempting to desensitize myself to ideas and images that have "shock value" ... to keep myself somewhat braced for the next onslaught of flashbacks.

Another thought on this is that while pouring ourselves into the writing, we are purging some of our fear and other emotions ... providing them a space to exist that is external rather than internal. It would be great to one day hitch the last wagonload of dark crud to the last page of a story where a bag of bones donkey hauls it all to a toxic waste facility looming on the horizon ... never to return. But what would we write then? Cookbooks? (not that I have anything against cookbooks; I just don't follow orders well, even in such a benign context. lol)

As far as the comments you were receiving that freaked you out and caused feelings of vulnerability ... did you also find the compliments rewarding? Validating even? Who knows, perhaps your words were uncannily finding the eyes of another trauma survivor wrestling with PTSD or the eyes of a supporter for someone with PTSD. You might have enlightened people by sharing openly the times that you did ... providing a unique view of your story subjects and characters. Even fiction can be enlightening, IMO.

Feeling vulnerable is such a constant part of this disorder ... maybe we ought to face that vulnerability head on (as much as we dare to tolerate it) ... subject ourselves to that feeling in order to overcome it? I also think many writers who do not have PTSD feel some weird sensations as others give feedback for their work. (A writer's work is like their "child" being put in front of the world to be rated ... not a comfortable thing to sit through for anyone with an ounce of modesty, eh?)

A few more questions to ponder. (Sorry, once you pull my finger I cannot promise what amount of gas you might have released. :p) Would it be easier to get feedback from people on a site like this one for your stories? Where others might relate to the content of your stories in a way that others might not? Do you think some of your writing might bring about new discussions on how this disorder plays out in our minds? Give these questions some thought ... and please know I am always open to reading morbid stuff as much as writing it! I take comfort in knowing I'm not the only one with twisted ideas.

Looking forward to more posts in this thread! Thanks for starting it!

 

[Meadowsweet]

I write. Although they tend to be fables that resolve things. Or little poems that express something.

The poems have occassionally been trauma related. But I mostly write when I'm feeling better, so they tend to be hopeful.

I think whether its healthy or not is quite an individual thing. If you go to the trauma diaries section and read Anthony's information posts, he speaks about being aware of symptom levels as you write, and re-reading until they come down. I don't know if you use your writing in a similar way.

 

[712xx]

I wonder if I am attempting to desensitize ...

... we are purging some of our fear and other emotions ... providing them a space to exist that is external rather than internal.

... did you also find the compliments rewarding? Validating even? Who knows, perhaps your words were uncannily finding the eyes of another trauma survivor wrestling with PTSD or the eyes of a supporter for someone with PTSD. You might have enlightened people ....

... maybe we ought to face that vulnerability head on

Would it be easier to get feedback from people on a site like this one for your stories?

Yes, desensitizing, purging emotions & images, trying to resolve complex negative (even lunar) beliefs about myself and the world, because being creative is how I find pride. I didn't use to have much of that, and yes, I did receive positive feedback and it validated 'me', or at least that creative part of me. The problem was, it was coming from other ... fringe dwellers (is that a good pc description?).

I started feeling ashamed of being one of them. My whole life I've just wanted to be normal and boring. I had a small piece of that in college; very small, but it was there. Yes, I had to do a lot of things just to keep up and struggled immensely, except I was doing it -- a "Look, no hands!" moment ... many of them. I was creating MY fire (picture Tom Hanks in 'Cast Away' ... I'd rather you picture Janina Gavankar dancing around that fire, but no one will know who that is :p).

I don't think it would be helpful to post the kind of stories I've written in a place where ptsd'ers could read them; it just wouldn't be helpful for either side, IMO. There are plenty of other places to find dark twisted tales. This forum is a place of truth and ownership of real emotions that we have a hard time letting out in real life (at least for me it is) and discussions about them. I do write in metaphors a lot, and use humor more than I probably should, but the real is there between them, and I'm anchored.

We do have a book club to discuss conections with our symptoms, or any other thing about it. I did really have a spark of delight when I saw there was a Harry Potter thread, lol, and enjoyed talking about the connections with it. However, that was other people's work we were talking about; it is too personal with my own stories. Just thinking about it makes me feel raw, like a slab of me is about to be peeled off. This is why I stopped posting them online.

I write. Although they tend to be fables that resolve things. Or little poems that express something.

I write these too. I also like changing the words to popular kid's stories and rock & pop songs; giving them my own flavor of meaning.

I often wonder if I'm just tormenting myself with the morbid writing; wanting to be normal, yet I do things that no normal person would do. I've lived a very fringe life, trying to find a best fit somewhere. I wasn't looking for acceptance -- I've found that in many places, but it didn't make me happy. I didn't know what I was looking for, just knew 'there' wasn't it. I think I like who I am, but don't know how to turn my talents into something substantially useful for others.

Some of the tamer fiction stories I wrote involved a girl who joined a gang of elves who broke into the poor shoemaker's house to help him make shoes while he was sleeping (spin off of the 'Elves and the Shoemaker' kids story). She didn't care anything about shoes, but she always wanted to do some 'breaking & entering' for good reasons, rather than bad ones her and her brothers used to do when they were younger. Even back then, she would tidy up a few things before leaving, just to have done something nice.

I wrote another about reinventing a real Santa, so parents could stop lying (at least about that); would make a nice and naughty list of caregivers rather than kids (daycare centers watch out), lol. Santa was capable of both very good deeds and very bad ones, depending which side of the list they were on.

Notice any theme forming? lol

 

[Meadowsweet]

I often wonder if I'm just tormenting myself with the morbid writing

I think this is a possibility worth considering. But really its something only you can answer.

I don't know how old you are or what country you're from. But in recent years there has been a fringe fashion of youngsters, where cutting, suicidal ideation and dark imagery is part of the culture.

I think most are just expressing 'normal' teenage misery caused by hormones and trying to get away from adults etc. And they'll no doubt grow up and realise life isn't so bad. But its an attractive culture to people who have a lot of deeper issues from genuinely tough childhoods. And I think for those people, that sort of culture must be very detrimental to their health.

edit: I forgot to get to the point:oops:. What I was trying to say, is that I don't think that 'emo' culture of dwelling on the bad stuff is helpful when there is trauma to deal with. It just adds to it in my opinion. (thats not a comment about you, just thinking about possibilities).

 

[Hashi]

Writing poems is cathartic for me. They can be very bleak and grim. It feels really good to express feelings with metaphors or directly with words.

 

[712xx]

Thanks for your input Meadow. I’ve heard of emo. Your example applies pretty well … my writing and that culture are probably equally destructive, lol. I kept posting because I was receiving positive feedback, but then it started to feel too invasive. I changed my mind about posting them, but couldn’t stop writing.

I go through phases where that is the only outlet I exercise, and get in this very dark mood. I’ve done some crazy things when I get like that … but like Kim said – it can be partly healthy in it sort of desensitizes and helps me not to really care about bad memories, flashback reactions, etc. I disassociate and it doesn’t matter, because nothing matters.

I do have a bit of a stunted social mentality; I haven’t hung out with many people my own age (or any other age) very often, just about my whole life. I was periodically a mental inpatient when I was a kid; I think, about 7 or 8 times. I didn’t socialize very much throughout my youth.

I’m now 34, in the U.S. I spent 2002-10 in college and earned 2 BS degrees. I interacted with people there, but didn’t get too personal. My main personal interaction with people has been online and in therapy. So if I seem a bit unusual, well, that is part of the story.

I didn’t plan on being an undergrad for so long, but that was the only place I was successful. I tried, but couldn’t succeed outside that specific setting. I would be working on my 3rd BS degree now if I hadn’t given up. I just was like, what's the point? I’m taking up a chair that some other student needs. No one is going to care how many degrees I have. As long as I have mental issues, this job market is going to ignore every attempt I make. No one has ever wanted me, why should I think any different now?

It is why I posted my fiction for a while. It was the only way I've ever been valued. People were enjoying them, and I crave being needed. I don't care much if I'm liked on a personal level; but really want to have a useful place in the world. I want my talents to be put to good use.

I know most of the tools and environment I need to keep functioning on my own, but I haven’t a clue about what I’m supposed to be like as a 34 yr old in (American) society; I’ve never fit in anywhere in real life, so I didn’t learn. It is kinda too late to start making rl friends, lol. It would just be too awkward. It wouldn't work.

Thankfully, though, I did start 'feeling' much more like an adult when I turned 30 ... before that I was unnaturally socially immature, with an off the charts work ethic. Strange combo, but guess it worked out. :geek:

I have a morbid curiosity and like writing on that level, watching apocalyptic fiction and documentaries where they talk about the world ending, or society breaking down, and imagining what it must have been like at the end of Roman times. Things like that are all themes that can numb my emotions. I do much better when I am not feeling anything. Writing does purge that darkness, but also triggers other things. It is a toss up -- 50/50 helpful and destructive, lol.