Finally Asking For Some Support!

[cat]

Well, I guess this is progress, I'm finally asking for some support!

I'm feeling what i can only describe as confused, sorry I don't find it easy to express my feelings. I'm irritable, numb, have adopted a don't care attitude, finding it hard to relax & feel like I'm hiding a big secret that even I don't know about.

I've been in therapy (emdr & talking) for a year now, it's been hard work but I have been making a slow but steady progress. However, since new year (also trauma anniversary) I've found it really hard to get back on track with my coping strategies. Until now I've been really determined to make as much recovery as possible but I seem to have lost it somewhere.

I should be thinking about moving on & thinking about the future but at the moment i feel like I'm in no-man's land. When I make plans, in the back of my mind is a thought that i might not be here when they happen, my trauma seems to have destroyed my ability to visualise any future situations. When I said that to my psychologist last week she was concerned that I was feeling suicidal, I don't think I am, i haven't had any conscious thoughts about it, although I would like just 24hrs off ptsd so that I could get some sleep. Talking to her yesterday she doesn't think I'm depressed, but feeling the impact of all I've been through emotionally & as I still find it hard to understand my emotions it's causing confusion. I know it's important I allow myself to feel that so that I can break out of my 'bubble', but the problem is it's making me feel miserable.

Have others found themselves in this situation, I'd really appreciate their thoughts on how i get myself back on track with therapy.

Any thoughts?

 

[clare]

Hi cat,

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time. I've never really been on track with therapy, just cycling through hospitalizations for the most part. What I learned, however, was that hopes and dreams can not even come close to being a part of daily living if you are at either end of the extreme. If you live too much for the future, you may not be enjoying, or productive in the present. If you are too much in the present, you may be short-sighted and consumed with worry over who you are right now. I frequently need to remind myself to get out of my own head. I make a short list of goals that are obviously attainable. I dream of what I want my future to look like. I make sure that some of the obtainable goals are will increase my chances of making that future dream a reality. I try to be as honest with myself as possible. There's no point in setting myself up for disappointment. I could, for example, list driving as a goal, but I know that I may never be able to drive. So, instead I put driving lessons on the list as a future goal, that way if an opportunity arises I will be inclined to take it, knowing it's ok to try.

It's very hard for many of us to stay away from the blues. A clear vision of an obtainable future dream is something that works for me. Disorganization is often a major obstacle for me, as is inappropriate priortization. Be wary of committment woes. By, this I mean, don't blame yourself if your committment to well-being is hindering your recognition that this particular therapy/therapist treatment that may no longer be working for you. Maybe it's time for something new?

I hope you able to "break out" soon!

clare

 

[anni]

Hi Cat,

I can only speak for my reactions when I was pursuing therapy, but your present feelings do sound familiar. I wouldn't necessarily write yourself off as not making any progress, unless you feel very strongly that that is the case. Maybe you're actually in some healing process that just plain feels awful. I was told this would happen if I was working at it correctly and boy, 'they' were and are right about that!

I'm positive someone who knows an awful lot more about the whys and wherefores of what you're going through will reply to your post with some good, solid reasons for why we seem to go through this dreck when healing. It doesn't seem fair, I know, to be doing everything you're supposed to do, working so hard, but making what you feel like zero progress as far as feeling better.

You didn't mention if you were on any meds, as in an SSRI? Perhaps also an adjustment is needed there? That doesn't necessarily mean a higher dose, either, it could just mean your chemistry has changed with some healing on your part and could use some attention.

Everyone is really different, so what might be the case for one person might not be the same for you. I just read your post, and do know that I personally have gone through times of feeling horrible while really actively in therapy. You do sound like you have a good therapist, who should be able to give you the comfort of the hope on the other side of this. In the meantime, don't be so hard on yourself. You very much wish to 'get there', and will.

Hope today is a little better,

Anni

 

[Grama-Herc]

Cat

I remember very well my days in therapy and I hated them. I always felt worse after a session and would be knocked out for days. We literally have to take 1 step forward and 2 steps back BUT it does eventully get better.

 

[cat]

Hi everyone
Thanks for taking the time to read my post, it's good to know I can come here for some advice & support without feeling like I'm asking for sympathy. I really felt like i was giving up my fight & your comments have been a great help in making me focus on what is important to my recovery. I'm feeling more positive this morning & have got some of my fight back.

Clare - thanks for your thoughts on the future. you're right, i am too worried about moving on instead of concentrating on the positives in my life now. A year ago i wasn't able to work, rarely left the house & hadn't even told anyone about my trauma, now I'm working full time & have work hard with my T to reprocess some of my trauma, so I've come a long way & need to remind myself of that more often. I'll have a go at making a list of goals & won't include the one I know is unachievable at the moment & causes me stress which would be to move to the coast to be nearer my sons. I have thought about whether i need a change of therapy but she was one step ahead of me making that change this week, she has asked me to take more notice of my thinking style this week as I seem to be in a cycle of putting myself down. I don't really want to change T as she's the first person I've trusted enough to discuss how I feel about myself.

Grama-herc - thanks for saying you hated therapy, I do too but always feel so ungrateful if I say it!

anni - thanks for your positive post. I am on an ssri, citalopram which was increased to max dose in Nov & I have felt like its slowing me down too much. My T has suggested that i see a psychiatrist about my meds as he may be able to fine tune them. Your words 'don't be so hard on yourself' echo what my T said to me this week, she is very supportive & has told me on numerous occasions that i will recover but it is down to me to push myself through my barriers. I know there are times when I just don't listen & then get frustrated with myself for not making what I consider enough progress. My self esteem is low & I'm struggling to accept that, so we're going to look at my thinking style next week.

So today I'm going to take notice of your advice & get myself back on track.
I hope you're all doing ok.
Cat

 

[cherryblossom]

Hi Cat,

For what it's worth, I think you are being too hard on yourself. As you have stated, you have made many positive steps forward - don't lose sight of this. Hopefully, this period is just a small blip in your healing. Perhaps a week or so away from full-on trauma therapy will help you cope. You have been working really hard in therapy, give yourself chance to stop, re-evaluate, rest for a moment, and then continue your hard work. You say

I should be thinking about moving on.....

There are no rules to this, go at your own pace. It sounds like you are putting pressure on yourself to move on, and then beating yourself because you're not moving on fast enough. Sure, push yourself, but realise that at times there will be set backs. This is not a failure, but par for the course. You have the determination to get back on track, but don't sabotage all your good work by beating yourself up over this.

Take care,
CB