Sufferer Finding connection while living with CPTSD

[Rara.Avis]

Hey everyone, I'm a 31 year old female with CPTSD, I was misdiagnosed at 12, so I wasn't properly diagnosed until I was a teenager. I am not in therapy. I do not take any medications for my nerves except clonazepam (Klonopin) for my anxiety and I have been taking them daily for almost 15 years.

I am in a relationship with a man that is 12 years older than me. We met in active addiction. It was like... I was getting high with this guy, and then all of a sudden, he offers me a place to stay because we were both homeless, having fun getting to know each other, then BAM, it all happened so fast.... three years later... we are both on methadone, clean and sober, we are housed.... but I feel like I made a mistake, all those years ago.

When we met, also, I was JUST escaping a very abusive ex-boyfriend who tried to kill me. I never gave myself time. I haven't healed from any of it. Im still having nightmares and I don't have ANY friends or acquaintances, and my partner (selectively) doesn't understand my mental health, in fact.... he gets upset when we talk about it. Which is another huge trigger. He'll ask me "Whats wrong" or "What are you thinking about"... fully equipped with the knowledge of my lifelong history of mental health in my family, and my history of trauma.... and before I even begin to answer the question, he will get irritated, childish, angry, based on how he THINKS I feel, and WHY.

Example. "Whats wrong, are you okay?" - him "I just feel...." - me, teary eyed. "Why do you hate me so much, can you never be happy?" -him. This is every day. This is mickey mouse stuff, that's why I'm saving it for the introduction, lol. But um, yes. I need to be hospitalized sometimes because I have episodes of gagging/hyperemesis every so often and I need to have my fluids restored and my levels all back to normal. When this happens to me, it all starts in the mind. It's like clockwork.

My partner cannot control his anger/unresolved pain from his own past so he releases it on me, then he will say something hurtful, like he calls me names like c*nt, nothing but a dirty whore, drug addict, anything and everything that will break even the strongest person... and he will not stop until I finally say something out of anger back to him. I think he does this so that he can rest easy an put the blame on me. Because he is obsessed with the "blame game". And then he goes about things like it never happened and is surprised and angered when I look like I have emotion on my face or throughout my body. Im not going to fake being happy, because 1, Im f*cking not, and 2, that's controlling f*cking shit and and Ive been through that abuse more than once before. I never call him names.

Im just done with this post now. Im realizing just how stuck I am. He promises he is going to change, every day. And me, having CPTSD, I hear my f*cking dad, every time. He didn't change, he ruined my mothers life. I need a therapist and quick. My health is just declining... I have literally nobody i talk to, except him... I dont even have time on my phone. My family is in another province and like I said, my mother is very deep in her own shit, I have been trying to get a hold of her for years..... it really hurts me that i have no connection to anything, anyone... Im untethered from the world... just floating away...

Even taking my dog for a walk around the block (by myself), and talking to neighbours helps me feel better. By better, I mean- right now I have this tightness in my chest, a lump in my throat, i feel like gagging, and my tummy is full of emptiness. Staying present is what i need to do. Even a 5 minute convo with someone other than my partner makes my day better. I dont work, I have no children, nobody relies on me for anything. I love my partner, I do. I just don't like him. He promised he would change his ways, and that's what I dont like about him, and he knows himself that he isn't the nicest person. He has said that. I need to chat with people. Im forgetting how to talk, how to communicate. Im sorry, guys. This was just supposed to be an introduction.

So, Hi!

 

[Riley Jones]

Hi there,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. It sounds like you are going through a very difficult time and are feeling very stuck. I can hear you have a lot going on in your life and that your mental health is suffering as a result.

I want to start by acknowledging your bravery in sharing your story with us. It takes a lot of courage to open up about your struggles, especially when you are feeling so alone and disconnected from the world. I'm glad you are reaching out and trying to connect with others who can relate to what you're going through.

It's great to hear that taking your dog for a walk and chatting with your neighbors helps you feel better. Sometimes it's the small things in life that can make a big difference to our mental health. It's important to continue to seek out these moments of connection and social support whenever possible.

It also sounds like you recognize that you need more help than you are currently receiving. Therapy can be a very helpful resource for people who are struggling with their mental health. It's great that you are open to the idea of seeing a therapist and I would strongly encourage you to do so. There are therapists who specialize in working with people who have experienced trauma and I believe this could be really beneficial for you.

Your partner's behavior towards you is not okay. Calling you names and blaming you for things is emotionally abusive and is not a healthy way to communicate in a relationship. It's understandable that you feel stuck, but please know that you are not alone and there are people who can help. If you are ever in immediate danger, please call emergency services or a domestic violence hotline.

Again, thank you for sharing your story with us and I hope you find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone. There are people who care about you and want to help you.

 

[Weemie]

I love my partner, I do. I just don't like him.

You don't need to answer me, but it may be worthwhile to really sit down and reflect on this statement. In my opinion, love is something that should be conditional. People who love us, should unconditionally respect us. Otherwise, we should rightfully conditionally love them - as they have conditionally loved us, by withholding actions of love until we meet their standards. And that is not the way reciprocal, loving relationships ought to be - nor is that a relationship based on love. Someone who calls me a c*nt does not love me. They are simply infatuated/obsessed/working through unresolved attachment/trauma or sexually attracted.

Do you feel that you owe him something, and that is why you tolerate him without enjoying basic interaction with him? Are you reliant upon him to get your needs met, and thus feel unsafe analyzing your love for him further? Has he shown you kindness in the past? Because in my experience, "person who hasn't yet killed you" is an extremely low bar to meet in a romantic partner (or indeed, virtually any human being you come into contact with).

I hope this does not come across as callous or irreverent, that is not my intention at all.

You have been through a great ordeal and it sounds like your understanding of "normalcy" has adjusted to accept constant abuse regardless of its source.

Your description of your relationship is very much founded in what I like to call (not pejoratively, I just do not know what else to call it) the "Thesis Format," which is where people who have a deep history of abuse will over-explain themselves and "present the facts, so that you understand from A to Z exactly how I think/feel about things 1-20." This is a style of communication that is ingrained in abuse victims systematically over time, because abusers, as you say, "play the blame game" and force you to try and justify every little thing you are doing according to their arbitrary rule-set to avoid being harmed.

Undoubtedly these physical episodes that you are having are a product of the constant stress that you continue to live under with him. Regardless - I understand if my statements are not helpful at all and feel free to disregard what is not helpful. I do wish you peace either way, and welcome to the forum.

 

[Rara.Avis]

You don't need to answer me, but it may be worthwhile to really sit down and reflect on this statement. In my opinion, love is something that should be conditional. People who love us, should unconditionally respect us. Otherwise, we should rightfully conditionally love them - as they have conditionally loved us, by withholding actions of love until we meet their standards. And that is not the way reciprocal, loving relationships ought to be - nor is that a relationship based on love. Someone who calls me a c*nt does not love me. They are simply infatuated/obsessed/working through unresolved attachment/trauma or sexually attracted.

Do you feel that you owe him something, and that is why you tolerate him without enjoying basic interaction with him? Are you reliant upon him to get your needs met, and thus feel unsafe analyzing your love for him further? Has he shown you kindness in the past? Because in my experience, "person who hasn't yet killed you" is an extremely low bar to meet in a romantic partner (or indeed, virtually any human being you come into contact with).

I guess I do feel like I owe him something, if it werent for him, then I would still be homeless. And he has shown me kindness in the past. He makes me coffee still in the morning, I usually have to ask for it now, but I mean. I have a lot of help from him, he cooks for me, he does most of the housework, even typing this out, I feel guilty for even having to explain this. I should just love him and that's that. But, no. Hes not happy with himself, and he takes it out on me, in every way. I keep re-reading that paragraph over and over again, about how people should be loved and loved properly loved back... and that's just how this relationship has been working for years. Its killing me. I absolutely need to find a place online to work my shit out. I need to talk to people. I don't do anything all day. It is ruining me.

 

[Friday]

A relationship doesn’t have to be abusive for it to be right to end it.

Ideally? EVERYONE we break up with should be an amazing, wonderful person, that we like/love/respect… that we just don’t work as a couple (for various reasons), want different things out of life, etc.

Sure, almost everyone dates a few assholes from time to time.
Sure, almost everyone dates a few people that they like less and less the more we get to know them.

But almost no one -outside of abuse victims- stay with the assholes, or people they dislike.

You don’t owe someone for NOT abusing you.
You don’t owe someone for being a decent human being to you.

It sounds like the 2 of you were exactly who you both needed, back when. But staying with someone now, that you actively dislike, out of a sense of obligation? Isn’t sense. Nor a kindness. To either of you. It DOES make sense that the history you two have between you bought time, to see if things might could work. But it makes no sense for that to be ‘forever’ instead of until you learn if you do/don’t work as a partnership.

Welcome to the community!