First Christmas W/ Ptsd & Back Living @ Home....help!

[StarryEyes91109]

Ok so a quick little summary of the past two years of my life........

My Uncle Jimmy passed away unexpectedly two years ago and then I hopped into a relationship a few days later to fill the void of losing my uncle/best friend. Well the relationship I got into was the worst thing I could have ever done to myself. It turned out to be the worst two years of my life. Now I am moved back in with my parents. I have been here since February. But it is my frist Christmas home. And first Christmas with PTSD.

So....that is why I am coming to you lovely people for help. I don't know what to expect. I am worried about panic atacks. About flash backs. I want to have this Christmas be a great one because I am trying to move forward in my life, but in the back of my head I am thinking ok what am I going to do if this happens? And what am I going to do if he decides to show up to ruin the holiday? It is like I have 12 million things going on in my head but I am just stuck right here.

 

[Phoenix_Rising]

I don't know how helpful this is going to be for you (lol) it is more just me saying you are not alone, and it will get better.

One of my major traumas occurred the day after Christmas. For well over a decade (keep in mind here this was not my only trauma, I am not saying this will happen to you for 10 years or more) I started getting triggery. Not just 2 weeks before Christmas. I'd start feeling that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach 3 months in advance. As soon as the seasons turned. It was like this big sick feeling of "It's COMING..." in a horror movie kind of way. It got worse and worse the closer it got. Culminating, of course, in the day of, which was always horrible in it's own right.

But now, that doesn't happen to me any more. In fact, I rarely think about it.

If you want to be proactive about it, and it is possible, just proceed as you want to--like it's going to be a great Christmas. If something comes up, you can deal with it then. Just a suggestion, but you could think of all the things that you are anxious WILL happen, write them all out, and make a plan for what you are going to do if that happens, ahead of time. That way, you can (hopefully) put it aside, and know that if something does come up, you already know how you are going to handle it if it does. Like a safety plan, just a little different. And other people really help. I think that is what ultimately (well, healing and work put into recovery helped just as much) helped to break that association. If you can have a great Christmas this year, and nothing happens, then your brain has one good association to counteract any bad ones.

I know it is not easy. And if this guy shows up, really, I'd just not even answer the door. Tell him to leave or you will call the police. Won't stop it from triggering you most likely, but you will at least know that you now have the power, not him.

I had to have some conversations with my ex, who called AFTER my daughter was born. Like he literally waited until he figured she was a month old, and figured that now we could just pick up where we left off. It was not easy, but I just stayed completely calm (externally) and didn't allow any of his previous tactics to work, he tried everything under the sun, and when all that didn't work, he threatened to get custody. THAT put me in a panic for months. The only thing he ever asked about HER was her name and if her hair was the same colour as his--so even that was completely self-centred. Even argued with me about when she was born (I think I would know, right?) The rest was all about getting me back to doing what he wanted.

But, with him I just stayed calm and collected, played a bit off HIS triggers so he would not try again. I knew, for instance, he was sensitive to criticism so I used that, subtly.

I told him that if he wanted to be a part of her life he had to go and get counselling for his issues. He didn't think he did anything wrong. WOW.

I didn't hear from him again until about a year ago, he found us on facebook. I amped up my daughter's privacy settings, and changed my pic (of her and I) to a pic of myself and my fiance. I think he got the message since he didn't try again, he wanted me (unbelievable) to contact him.

I think if I had to see him in person, all these years later, I'd be an absolute wreck. I was a wreck when he contacted me again, too. I'm just grateful he wasn't stupid enough to try and message my daughter, and contacted me instead.

Anyway... I'd just suggest getting as much support as you can, and if you have a good relationship with your family, spend as much time with them as you can, or if you have friends. You are less likely to get triggery if you have a positive distraction going on.

It will get easier :)

 

[maddog]

You speak so much sense Phoenix.

And I had to respond to your account of your extended annual Christmas triggering. For me, Christmas was always about the worst of the horrors, too many to name,and almost always the worst of the worst. So it's not just the day itself, or any individual aspect of it that gets to me, but rather the entire season in its entirety, complete with all of the societal trends and customs and behaviours, all of the seasonal features and characteristics, and anything else contextual that has somehow come to be associated with this "festive season" in my head.

It horrified me this year how precise that seasonal trigger was. Quite literally I felt something begin to flip out in my head on December 1, as though just the symbolic turning of the calendar page was enough to start me sliding.

The first couple of days of the month were unseasonably chilly and damp in our part of the world, and yet on about Dec 4 the hot summery weather characteristic of this time of year returned suddenly. And there again... triggers triggers triggers everywhere, just the mere smell and feel of the air and the atmosphere were enough.

Wondering right now how I'm going to make it through the next few weeks.

Sorry to obsess about such a minor aspect of your post, which was full of extremely valid and rational good advice by the way.

Maddog

 

[Phoenix_Rising]

Actually, Maddog, (and thank you :) ) you make a very good point. I was also set off by the weather, the light, the change of the season. It was whenever it stopped being "summer" type weather, and began to behave in any manner like winter. That could be the type of weather, lack of light, the dreariness of day that is associated where I am with that season, the temperature becoming colder, etc.

It's good to know I am not the only one that has happened to, because it is kind of an unusual trigger (or at least, before you, I have never encountered any one who mentioned anything at all similar to what I experienced).