Supporter First Time Reaching Out

[Livy's Mom]

Hello. Taking a deap breath. I have been lurking on forums and websites for a year and a half just reading stories and gathering all of the information on PTSD I possibly could hoping and praying I would find a way to help my boyfriend. We have a 6 month old baby girl together.

As you all know from many of your own experiences I have hit brick wall after brick wall. He doesn't want help. He says things like therapy is not for me and you don't fix this you just live through it. I try my best to manage but I don't do it well. I push him and push him out of desperation and I have pushed him out. He drinks most days and I have a hard time dealing with that. His drinking doesn't cause any issues other than making me upset so he uses these arguments as his reason for saying I make him unhappy. I'm smart enough to know that just isn't true.

After another argument over drinking he left us. He said he just doesn't want to be with me anymore and that's that. He is so matter of fact about it. No discussion no trying to make it work. He has done this before and I am aware of how many sufferers do this but it's very difficult with a young baby.

I now know that I just have to leave him alone and IF he does come back which I'm not sure he ever will, I have to learn how to manage myself differently in regards to his PTSD and drinking instead of trying to fix him.

I here because I need to learn how to do that. I'm also looking for hope that he won't abandon our family for good. I have to have hope that he won't leave me and our baby for good :-(

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

I'm please you took the huge step and introduced yourself.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

 

[Livy's Mom]

Hello and thank you :-)

 

[myvetswife]

Welcome Livy's Mom. The most important thing is take good care of yourself and your baby.


If he is not willing to take help, nobody can help him. It's true you can not cure it, but there are ways to learn to live with it.

Take care!

 

[intothelight]

Hi Livy's Mom,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

There is an entire section for Supporters and I believe you will find the help you are seeking as you navigate the ups and downs of a relationship with someone with PTSD. But the best part of the forum is the support you receive from other members and in knowing you are not alone.

Take care.

Debbie

 

[ISupportHer]

I have to mention that my observation is that you do have some awareness already and that is good. You have an awareness that you have to manage yourself, etc. Awareness and actually doing it can be two things, of course.

It is very hard when you have a child involved. I'd imagine at the very least there is a yearning for a "normal" upbringing. There are varying hues of normal though and you can still make a good life for the 2 of you.

I wish I could say it will be all right and your boyfriend will come back and all will well. I don't mean to sound harsh but I am think you may know that it may be best if he is drinking a lot. That is not an environment to raise a child in.

Welcome and I know you will encounter others with similar circumstances.

ISH

 

[shoulderblades]

Hi there, Livy's Mom.

I hear you very loudly and strongly. I have been in your position with my ex-husband, and am still in that position both physically and mentally while still living under the same roof as him. I will still be affected mentally when I leave - I will be affected mentally for many years, as in my case I have C-PTSD (complex PTSD) and struggle very hard with dealing with my own problems, let alone my ex-husband's PTSD and how much he refuses to get help beyond what little help he has sought.

I understand your frustration on levels I can't put into words. I understand so deeply how hard it is to differentiate him projecting his issues on you and the actual reality of the situation.

I understand how hard it is to want to reach out and be a support but having no cues or communication about how to do that.

I understand how hard it is to know what's a good level of pushing, what's too little, too much, not enough, correct, incorrect, and all the ways pushing can backfire and turn into abuse directed and acted out against you - physically, sexually, verbally, emotionally: it doesn't matter which; it's all projection and acting out abuse, and it's understandable but also very destructive and hurtful and damaging behaviour.

Your husband's choice to get help is unfortunately out of your hands. I have had to learn this same hard truth about my ex-husband. What is most important for you is to identify when he is projecting his shit onto you and how to be able to put up a shield to reflect it and say, "That's your baggage, that is not my baggage," and walk away.

There's only so much you can help a person who won't help themselves before you need to preserve your own sanity; and in your case, your child and your emotional reserves for being a mother as well. (I am also a mother; I have had to find ways to juggle emotional "reserves" for my ex, for myself and for my child, and also for my partner who has recently come out as transgender, and it is very, very, very hard.)

The long and short of all my rambling there: I understand so much what you're going through. Here, you will have many others who will also understand and will be able to offer advice, or simply offer support and a caring reminder that you matter and that you're being listened to.

Welcome to the forum. *hugs* if you need them.

 

[a3a2]

I am so sorry. At this point I believe you and your child are better off without him. You are right in that you need to take care of yourself-for your sake, and for your child's. I think the forum is a good place to start, and therapy can give you some very good coping and healing strategies.