Flat Out Angry (all The Time)

[simplekindofgirl]

I do not supress my anger. I wish that I did or that I even could. But I can not. I am screaming inside.

I want to email my significant other and tell him that I am just tired of it. Tired of the life that we share and the way that we share it. Tired of finding the little things that drive me crazy about our relationship. Long story short- we met, fell in love, decided to start a life together- and it was sheer bliss until he let me know that he was married.

Right this moment, I want to stand two inches from him and scream as loud as humanly possible right in his face- I opened a book that he has put on our new bookshelf and clearly saw the writing in it- that book was a gift to him and his (now ex) wife. The truth is, I have done this to him- screamed in his face I mean. I have called him the vilest of vile names, I have screamed it so loud that it made his ears ring- all while I threw things at him. Because- the worst part was, he told me the truth only after I went through the second of three traumatic, life changing experiences.

I used to love food. Especially chocolate. Yet I can not eat it. It makes me sick, physically. In my head I know that one piece of chocolate will not kill me, yet I place it in my mouth and as it begins to melt, I run to the garbage can or sink to spit it out. I can't swallow it. Cookies- same thing. Bread, same. And this is actually an improvement from sticking my finger down my throat in the attempt to bring it back up. It's not as easy as you would think- making yourself vomit I mean. It's really rather painful if it's solid food. Now, everything gets the same treatment- it's in then its immediately out, never actually being consumed. I think I am up to 93 lbs. since I have been forcing myself to actually do what my T says that I need to. And when I weigh myself and see that number, I go into full on panic. I am angry with myself. I do not see what anyone else sees. I see my fat backside, I see my thunder thighs, I see my fat- just fat, fat, fat.

Iam tired of not fitting into society. I don't like people. Actually, that isnt true. I care about people very much, whether I know them or not. I have gone to great lengths to help some people that I never knew or met, and never will. But people in general, in a setting of being bumped without the courtesy of an "excuse me", people who are rude, people who have no idea of what it means to be courteous- I can not stand them! I have no desire to be around people, ever! People, persons are what did this to me- the reason I need this forum, the reason I need therapy- why on earth would I want to put myself out there to be around people who are capable of hurting one another and leaving behind such devastating consequences? And I am angry with myself for not being willing to join society, because my own desire for isolation has me so lonely that I can no longer even stand myself.

I am tired of feeling hopeless, and am angry that I feel hopeless. I am tired of my therapy, and I am angry that I need it. I am tired of being tired, and I am angry that I lay awake for hours suffering from insomnia. I have no energy- no motivation, and I am angry that I feel as though I can not move.

I lost so much. So, so much. How can I ever be happy if I am so angry? I just don't understand- nothing makes sense right now.

I know, I have heard it- "This too shall come to pass"- please let it pass quickly, because I just don't know if I can do this anymore. Please, someone tell me that I am not alone. I need to know that I am not the only one who feels this way.

 

[Sterre]

Welcome to the forum Simplekindofgirl!

You are not alone, there are enough people here who can relate to the anger you feel.

After reading your introductionpost i cant help smiling because of your choosen name, I suspect you are anything but simple ;).

 

[Megan]

OMG! I was going to post exactly this... but not the same situation. I always feel angry / aggravated at the smallest of things. :( I can not trust people. I used to be nice and sweet and stuff. But now i feel very aggravated. I do not see therapy working because I do not understand how someone can be an expert at what you are feeling inside when they don't/can't understand it.

I'm tired of being aggravated. I want to be my old self again. Where I would be nice to people. I was nieve and shy but at least i wasn't angry... I never really fit in either. I was the one who people made fun of. The needle in the hay stack except people could easily find me to laugh at me. :( I do not care for people any more. I wanted friends but never really acted my age. Where I didnt understand how people can enjoy drinking.

I was always shy but could talk to people i knew w/o thinking that they were judging me. But now I can't even talk to people I know. :(

I guess for me it comes down to "Why"
I can't enjoy things because I have to ask myself why do i like this? Why do i do this?
I get aggravated. When my parents see me aggravated they ask me what did my online friend say to me? it's not that simple. I can be in an okay mood and in the middle of everything ask myself "WHY" and be all aggravated.

I loathe people. Because when your in a good mood someone always brings you down. That's what it is like for me.

 

[Marie E.]

(((Simple))) (((Megan)))

 

[Sandra]

Perhaps try an anger management course.

 

[Megan]

mine isn't bursting out. it's just aggravation inside all the time. :( i'm not even angry at anyone... i just feel aggravated and angry.

 

[benjumaan]

i get to so angry sometimes ive caused so much damage to stuff, smashed numerous windows, put my fist through multiple walls, spat on my step-dad, lashed out yelling, screaming, kicking, hitting people. Now I simply tie my hands together, i want to get a straight jacket so I can roll around screaming without damaging anything. You DO NOT want to hold your anger in I do that and it causes me lash out at people, go for a walk, punch your pillow, or yell at the top of your voice don't hold it in, it doesn't improve anything.

 

[Lucille]

Ughhh, I TOTALLY agree with Megan and Simplekindofgirl... This sort of constant anger is just so debilitating. It's exhausting.

My parents and boyfriend don't understand it either. I've told them over and over again that I use anger as a defense mechanism, especially when I'm afraid. But it's like I'm speaking another language or something because they don't get that explanation anymore than the angry-at-something-silly thing. Except it's not something silly to me, it stems from something huge. It's so huge that it makes me angry at anything and everything, even things that have nothing to do with the original thing.

 

[just me here]

Anger is an appropriate and valuable emotion. Only the responses to anger can be innapropriate and destroy the value of the emotion.

I am so angry with my parent and his wife, I have wanted to tell them why, I have wanted revenge, I have considered just telling them off and performing some dispicable act that will make them as angry with me as I am with them so that if they see me first, they will be hiding and I wont even have to see or avoid them.

The appropriate response: I made the decision to work through a mediator to avoid arguments, and I made sure they understood that I wanted no further contact and would be willing to file restraining orders if they fail to stay away.

I think about the guy who is angry because his roof leaks and his head is wet. His anger is justifiable and a legitimate, correct emotion. Kicking the dog, yelling at the wife, being gruff with the kids, all innapropriate responses to the legoitimate anger. The correct response is to buy or borrow the tools to fix the roof and get to work on it, or make the call and have it done professionaly. Any response that leads to a drier home is OK, anything that just vents the anger without any necessary action is innapropriate. So simple, but so hard to maintain when the anger is wiping out any reasoning skills you have.

 

[Marie E.]

Very well said Just me here!

 

[heidi]

I relate to anger. Only it's only over the same stuff. Everything else I could care less about.

I also relate to a lot of what you said further down. I'm angry that I'm angry. And I'm angry that I'm not the same. And I'm angry that I have a hard time just getting through a day let alone doing much. If I were laying on a tropical island under a palm tree with no perceivable stress in sight ..even then I would be struggling with this most likely.

 

[Paranoid10]

I have some anger issues. I don't go to the degree of smashing things or anything like that. However, I do speak my mind.

I have learned a number of things about my anger. Not only personally but also through professional help. I want to point out that these things have worked for me but may not necessarily work for you.

I have learned to pick and choose my battles when it comes to feeling angry. Even though bringing a bazooka to a knife fight is very effective, you have to consider the collateral damage that is created when doing this.

Screaming does nothing for me. If I am angry, I try to use the most effective means of communication to get my point across to someone. I want this person to know how I feel, in a way that they can understand. (This doesn't always mean that the person I am talking to will appreciate the verbage that I use.)

I've learned to put up a mental stop sign and think carefully as to what I am going to say and how I am going to say it before I make the physical decision to open my mouth. Sometimes, I can just react to a situation and end up making myself look like a complete a**hole.

I'm not sure if this helps anyone or not, but I thought I would share. Respectfully, Paranoid10.