Fml Ruined My Own Dinner

[Tim &Bailey]

Talk about an anger outburst! I just spent 2 hours cooking (a hobby i have developed to relax me) While my wife was out with my daughter I made a fantastic pan roast chicken with sherry mushroom gravy. I added some fresh rubbed sage for effect. First I tried to braise it all and pop it in teh oven, Damn oven wont work.(strike 1)
So I slow cooked it in my roaster pan on the stove top. The house was smelling wonderful. For a side I made yellow rice and sweet english peas. For drink a wonderful peach ice tea. Even picked up cooking dough ice cream for dessert
Dinner is gettin cold or over cooked.Wife calls just feed the other kids ( we have 8 total) and she'll be home in an hour or so. (strike 2)
Then I get us all to the table Including the 3 year old, said grace and started our dinner I grabbed my glass of peach tea and my F**king rt hand popped open (2 surgeries later) and went right into my plate of food. (strike 3)

DAMN I shouted God Damn it! I threw the whole plate and everything in the trash and blew up. I was so pissed even Bailey wont sit with me. Bad when your service Dog dont want to be around you. I'm sick of being angry. Before PTSD I would have laughed hysterical at my luck and just made another plate. All the kids scattered and went to their play room. This sux I hate PTSD and the angry outbursts from frustration.... UUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Jimmy1]

Nothing anyone can say mate.

I love cooking too. If I get really stressed, I find cooking an awesome way to relax.
When I first tried making pasta though, doh. Ended up ordering take away. I can laugh now.
I also got creative one night and tried a different version of mashed potato. I wonder why the kids had trouble eating it.
It was pretty disgusting. I don't even think Bailey would have gone near it.

Can I ask you something mate. 8 kids.
Before I was sick, I had a large family. Now I have moved in with Margaret we have 3 most days all teenagers and a fourth every second week who is 12, but thats a handful with PTSD, how do you do it???

Jimmy

 

[willis williams]

I love the cooking it relaxes me and sometimes pisses me off. I will have a total of seven kids. Two on the weekends and the rest all the time. Seren does most of the work with the ones at home because I have little tolerance for some of the stuff they pull. When they are all here one meal damn near fills the dishwasher. The three I'm raising because their dad ran off has been a real trial because Seren was raising them on her own for quite a while and the have very little respect. But I'm definatly done with having anymore children the last one will be here end of june and no more. Thats what I get for falling for a ten year younger woman.

 

[Tim &Bailey]

Nothing anyone can say mate.

I love cooking too. If I get really stressed, I find cooking an awesome way to relax.
When I first tried making pasta though, doh. Ended up ordering take away. I can laugh now.
I also got creative one night and tried a different version of mashed potato. I wonder why the kids had trouble eating it.
It was pretty disgusting. I don't even think Bailey would have gone near it.

Can I ask you something mate. 8 kids.
Before I was sick, I had a large family. Now I have moved in with Margaret we have 3 most days all teenagers and a fourth every second week who is 12, but thats a handful with PTSD, how do you do it???

Jimmy

A very strong willed wife (she was a first gulf war medic) alot of praying Bailey and I take long trips out in our woods- our sportsmans club has 370 acres- Bailey and I know every inch of that place.

 

[Tim &Bailey]

I love the cooking it relaxes me and sometimes pisses me off. I will have a total of seven kids. Two on the weekends and the rest all the time. Seren does most of the work with the ones at home because I have little tolerance for some of the stuff they pull. When they are all here one meal damn near fills the dishwasher. The three I'm raising because their dad ran off has been a real trial because Seren was raising them on her own for quite a while and the have very little respect. But I'm definatly done with having anymore children the last one will be here end of june and no more. Thats what I get for falling for a ten year younger woman.

I tell others all the time the reason we have 8 kids is because I DO NOT WANT 9!!!! LOL! we have her's mine and ours as well. 5 girls and 3 boys 2 girls and 3 boys live here full time the girls we see on week ends- holidays are very interesting. Ages 18 all the way down to 3. They can be a handful but some of my best times are had with them. we are a pretty tight family. God is good.

 

[willis williams]

yep the hers mine and ours is it that how I got so many. Would have stuck with 5 but blessings happen. I enjoy my children but I have to leave for a day or to sometimes because I end up overloaded.

 

[Ted Moen]

Umm .. cooking is good .. intense feelings of anger are a part of ptsd .. acting out those intense feelings of anger in a way that is counterproductive in our current situation is not so good. We can't wait until "strike three" to act on our feelings of anger. It's too late then. The feelings are too intense. All we can do then is what we do.

We need to act before the first strike by building in the possibility of changes into our daily plan, working on an attitude that not only can it happen, but when it happens we will take the opportunity to show off our flexibility (to ourselves). So when "strike one" comes it's not a negative spoiling the day's mission, it's an opportunity to exercise our new found flexibility. In this approach "strike one" does not set off anxiety and panic symptoms, so strike two and three probably never happen. Just a good dinner with the kids. No frustration.

Ted

 

[Jimmy1]

Hey Ted, I know what your talking about. Basically its the 'Cognitive Thought Process'.
I did an Anger Management course long before I did the PTSD course and then I did it again during the PTSD course.

When the facilitator first mentioned to us that we would be able to change how we react to a certain situation, I thought he was full of shit. I told him that my anger was like 0 - 100 in 0.00001 seconds.

I was wrong.

The problem we have though is that if we are not consciously practicing, things can get away from us.
Daily stressors can add up quickly and Strike 1,2, and 3 can happen in very quick succession. My boy and I had to develop a signal to signify time out and trigger me into grounding myself. But even today, I can over react from time to time. You have to want to change.

Tim was just having a vent like we all need to do from time to time.

Cooking, like gardening is very therapeutic, but can also go very wrong. All it can take is a little burn, or a knick with a knife. I have sent the occasional tray of cookies flying and put a whole cake in the bin. I love it though.
Once my back is in good order again, I am going to grow my vegetable and herb garden again.

 

[Steph_F]

When the facilitator first mentioned to us that we would be able to change how we react to a certain situation, I thought he was full of shit. I told him that my anger was like 0 - 100 in 0.00001 seconds.

I was wrong.

The problem we have though is that if we are not consciously practicing, things can get away from us.

I hope I am not intruding too much here, I'm sorry if I am. But can you share with me (anyone) "how" you consciously practice how you react to certain situations? In a way I do it myself to make up for the loss of control I have felt for years. I am a single mom, basically abandoned by my ex husband about 2 weeks before our second daughter was born, somehow I gained the upper hand on life by accepting that it sucks but for my own good I needed to learn to roll with the punches.

How can this be explained and taught?? My soldier isn't interested in therapy (yet, keeping my fingers crossed though) but is willing to listen to my suggestions and give them a try, as long as I'm not pushy, and I try to only bring up these things very occasionally and only when the timing is right. He and I, like most couples I bet, communicate very differently. I am a jabberbox and he is very "military", short, effective, clear and concise in his communication...maybe that's why he is balking at therapy, he knows he'll have to talk, and talking about rambling pieces of thoughts puts him WAY out of his comfort zone. (hmmm)

...anyway, any suggestions (in "guy-speak") about how to practice controlling one's reactions to uncontrollable issues? Thanks!

And Tim, I hate ruining a good meal (did it last night myself, grrr!). Jimmy, my girls and I planted our garden last night :) we are going to try to make our own salsa this year! can't wait til you can get yours underway, too! :)

 

[Tim &Bailey]

The best way I have found for it to be taught is one of the things Bailey does for me. If I start zoning or getting towards the build up she will incessantly lick at my left hand or if I am standing go into a heel all on her own. I know this is her way of saying it's ok calm down I'm right here. Dont ask me how I taught her that cause I didnt she just started doing it after we had been training about 6 months.
We went through the K-9 good citizen and on to CDX title- Companion DOg Excellent (AKC) working together over time has built our trust way beyond what any human will ever get from me again in this life. She will alert when people are aproaching from behind (German shepherd instinct) and when walking in public if I get the heebi-jeebies I look down to her if her hackles aren't rising I know it's just the PTSD. If they are I know being on guard is warranted. She also makes me get up on crappy down days even if its just to let her do her business by then I'm already downstairs and out of bed to get the day started. If having a night terror she will wake me and if i dont get up she'll put the light on and jump on my bed until I wake up.

Without her I'd be lost

Tim & Bailey

 

[Ted Moen]

But can you share with me (anyone) "how" you consciously practice how you react to certain situations?

It takes some work, Steph. For me, I learned to self-monitor both my level of anger and my level of anxious apprehension. Self monitoring means identifying very specific behaviors and associating them with a level of anger or with a level of anxious apprehension. I frequently am whistling or humming a song to myself. A harmless bit of behavior, but by making notes about the specific songs I was focused on and my level of anxious apprehension at the time, there seemed to be a pattern. For example, when people are getting too close to me, my level of anxious apprehension has a tendency to go up. It's a combat thing, I don't need any more people I care about getting themselves blown up and leaving me alone, splattered with their body pieces and fluids. It hurts a lot. So it's best to just do something to encourage them to go away. It's usually pretty easy. Since they are getting too close, they are close enough for me to be aware of their vulnerabilities, and all it takes is an act of omission at the right time.

Anyway, when my level of anxious apprehension is getting high, say 7-8 on a 10 point scale, certain songs start popping into my mind. I start humming Dylan to myself. "Go lightly from my window, leave at your own chosen speed. I'm not the one you want Babe, I'm not the one you need." When I reach that level I know I have turned my emotions off and made myself ready to do what I need to do to push people back to a safe emotional distance. In the past I would have simply let ptsd nature take it's course and watched myself do what I needed to do to drive the person(s) away. Completely away is ok, away is away.

Now I am aware that when I start humming that song I am about to engage in some self defeating behavior if I don't do something prevent myself from doing it. At the time I start humming that song to myself I have not yet actually done anything to drive the person away. So while the mood is passing, I have to counter the intrusive thoughts and feelings with current thoughts and feelings. I have to constantly remind myself I do want this relationship. I do not want to do anything to damage it. I have to continue to participate in the relationship doing the things (behaviors) I would be doing if the intrusive thoughts and feelings weren't passing. I not only have to not behave in a way to drive the person away, I have to do the things I would be doing if the ptsd stuff weren't there. And I remind myself if I can do this, things will be good once the intrusive thoughts and feelings pass, instead of me finding myself alone and depressed about the stuff I did.

So anyway, the idea is to self monitor, maintaining an awareness of little behaviors that happen well before big behaviors so that you can chose not to down that path.

Pretty hard to do with no therapudic support.

Ted

 

[Steph_F]

Sounds like you kinda talk to yourself in your mind (I know I do all the time). I will encourage my guy to give that a try! Thank you!

Sometimes I want to ask him about things like his pulse or his heart rate, or to look at his hands (are they open, clenched, white knuckled) or feel his jaw or look in the mirror at his face and tell him to use these indicators to measure if he is getting pissed off without even realizing it. What do you think?