Friend copying my every move - unsettling me.

[Tinyflame]

Yes @Bry , it is very weird, there's no doubt about it. My sister deals with one like that at work- copies her down literally to her sock color. And what's really bizarre, is as my sister says, she only wears them because they are long enough to cover her ankles, lol. Needless to say, you couldn't get further apart between them, in thoughts, morals, ethics, values, or even appearance despite the cloning, though like she said it's creepy: mannerisms, expressions, lipstick, you name it. Even now (new) vehicle, vacation requests, and hobbies. More so, entire polar opposite internally. Really, really creepy.

She’s scooted off with my old friends and everyone is happy. I cannot believe the people I surround myself with at times. I’m becoming aware, slowly.

Ya, I found that out today too, just about headed to the ~Swear Your Face Off thread before I came to this one; I came in to work happy, only to find 'friend'/ co-worker of 7 years screwed me out of every additional pre-Christmas shift I was promised last month - just as she has done the last Christmas or two prior, meaning I will have zero additional $ paid to me pre-Christmas. But oh- being the 'friend' she is- she offered back one shift I've experienced SA at more than once at (of which she is well aware). I thought on it, and said: "You know what, I've been thinking about it- you keep it" (which of course she doesn't want, nor does she want to work pre- post -and through Christmas- which I will be. But- "They had better get her New Year's right- she will be OFF"). Then she asked me how to cook her turkey (again), because she knows I can cook a great turkey. :(

But when all is said and done, I am screwed. Animals don't treat even other animals this way. :*(

 

[Tinyflame]

@Bry ^^This has me so intrigued. I think you have mentioned this twice now... are you saying this person has access to your browsing history or knows about this site?

Wow- I missed @blackemerald1 's comment above- if that is the case she has some really serious issues. :eek: That is very scary. :(

 

[Bry]

She has followed me onto similar boards, and things that she wouldn’t know, she has repeated so...
On the other hand, I’m quite paranoid too though so maybe not. I’m really glad she’s gone it has taken at least some of my stress away. These people do cross into dangerous territory fast it seems. Thanks for your replies as I thought it was me, but I don’t now.
:)

 

[Justmehere]

I’m going to push back a little. If this perspective isn’t helpful, feel free to disregard. I do realize a lot of information is missing (which is very ok) for privacy sake.

@Bry - How are you at boundaries?

A couple of things stick out to me:
1.) You describe this being a pattern with multiple people.
2.) You express an almost existential level of threat by this. (I don’t blame you, it’s stalker-ish) and yet a very non-assertive /not strongly boundaried approach to managing it.
3.) There is a lot that you describe as her doing that you actually had a role in allowing to occur.

You describe the horror of her doing things like giving you money. Well, you had to take it for her to give it. You could have set a boundary and said no. You also describe nothing in common and then how dare she, you end up having hobbies in common. It’s little confusing. If the hobbies developed after connection with you, then you could talk to her about it.

It just strikes me that folks are looking to be in an enmeshed relationship with you (seeking an unboundaried relationship), and the patterns involving considerable triangulation (also a boundary issue) when it comes to the other friend. You were not talking to the copier about the issues but yet someone else was in the middle? Or do I misunderstand?

This pattern of people like this popping up in your life is something you do have some control over. Are you responsible for her behavior? Goodness no. Are there some real fake creepers out there? Yes.

But that doesn’t make you helpless in the situation to learn some new ways to do relationships and reduce the risk and exposure to people like this, and yet not cut yourself off from all people and take the very black and white distorted thinning approach of no friendships at all.

For example, you could have returned the money, had a conversation about what you noticed and your boundaries (you instead describe her unaware and no conversation with her about it and passive aggressively phasing her out), actually said no, I can’t continue this friendship, and when the issues with the mutual friend came up you could have set the standard that you will speak to her about her and not about third parties unless they are there in person and not get triangulated into drama. There are ways to send a stronger message that you will be your own person.

People who want enmeshed relationships tend to find those who are not very assertive or boundaried. This doesn’t make it your fault, at all, but there are steps you can take. Learn to say no, assertively, and establish your space, no matter what someone else does, and people like this will more likely be walk away quicker, andhere will be less collateral damage of other relationships getting wrapped up into it.

I came in to work happy, only to find 'friend'/ co-worker of 7 years screwed me out of every additional pre-Christmas shift I was promised last month -

Is there any other possible interpretation of what occurred or do you know for sure she maliciously managed to overpower a supervisor’s decision making and manipulate a schedule in her favor and against you? Totally possible.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes I know I've only dealt with cloning a handful of times in decades, it's anything but 'common'. Over the age of 15 or 20 it's mentally ill behaviour, I'd say. Or manipulative/ engineered.

do you know for sure she maliciously managed to overpower a supervisor’s decision making and manipulate a schedule in her favor and against you? Totally possible.

Yep, totally possible. But not in this case. I have a Boss, and a separate scheduling unit. My Boss gave it to me 3 weeks ago, when the person opposite me in my shift quit. She preceeded to go through scheduling, now it's done. Except for the shift she wants to give me back so I can get assaulted- which, btw, occurs every day I work with said person. And yes, they ALL know. This is the 3rd Christmas she's done it. And now, it would be stripping her of her Christmas money. Which I am not going to do. Just last week, I thought if I won a loto, I'd pay her house off. She's an as*hole.. She makes 1 1/2 x what I do and has less seniority. She will be fine. And my relative, friend, family I sponsor, church and the poor will do without. As to Christmas, the rare thing that makes it bearable for me, is giving. Anyway, I'm out. Wah wah wah. Who cares. I'm a fool. She'll be eating the turkey I told her how to make. I'll be glad not to hang myself. As I said- fool.

 

[Bry]

The money is probably the most minor point of the whole thing, But to clear that up - it was given, with over and over persistence - for my children. And I Don’t think I could have gotten out of that situation without accepting the small gift. And I did repay it in similar ways - as in hosting dinners at my home and buying her children things.

Having said that, I do have boundary issues. A little less so since the last bout of therapy. I could have shouted no from a rooftop with the threat of jumping, and she would still have given the small amount of money. Probably delightingly. This problem is not financial so you are far off the mark there.

She’s gone as I said. A few times. I’ve empowered myself enough to get rid of her, and attempted to dwindle out this thread already, as it’s over now, and de-railing too which I can’t tespond to without sounding defensive.

If you don’t mind, and I appreciate that the whole point of posting is to receive responses, I think it’s best let lie. She’s done enough harm without me looking like some sorry of money-scavenger online. I truly resent that view. I’m very depressed and not in the mood for more so let it be. Thanks.

 

[Bry]

My boundaries are horrific. I only knew of the ‘idea’ about a year ago.

I am aware of that. I’ve no response to these people other than isolate everyone, which I have happily done, or have people in my face.

Sorry if I sound ratty to a normal reply, I’m in a very horrible frame of mind. Thanks though.

 

[blackemerald1]

She’s done enough harm without me looking like some sorry of money-scavenger online. I truly resent that view. I’m very depressed and not in the mood for more so let it be. Thanks.

^^Nobody thinks that of you!! @Bry. :hug:

Certainly glad you have eased her out of your life. I presume with her predatory nature she will find another person or may have already. But remember what she does because she may well reappear in your life at some stage and she will not have changed. However you have! :)

I'm sure we have all experienced the over-zealous, too persistent experience with other people and have found ourselves in deep water.

Just recently I have had to place some distance between myself and some people I know because they were too pushy and demanded I comply with their agenda (sounds vague I know...)

Though I know what my boundaries are... I still have to consciously make a decision to push back and stop the flooding behaviour's because it's not healthy in the long term for anyone.

 

[Bry]

Thank you. black emerald. Maybe I read into that wrong, plus I remember feeling awkward when she kept pushing the money on me. My very long time grooming abuse was similar so I ought to have known. I’m glad you are able to stay by your boundaries. It is a learning experience for me. She will definitely re-appear, as it’s one of these life long people lol, but I hopefully will have boundaries and assertiveness as well with proper skills rather than walls by then. A very big Hopefully! I hate her for this but I don’t wish bad on her, as she’s probably as messed up as I am. How and ever, I don’t stalk. My ex did the same. I assume I invite this behaviour- like all the rest. I guess boundaries has been the answer to all of this for me: thanks!

 

[hithere]

I still don't think this is a small thing. It sounds like she is gone though and you are moving on. I only respond again becaue I just recently decided I'm done with a friend that "invades" my internal space. She "insists" she does things for me, even with a strong no given to her she still does it. It takes up way to much of my energy dealing with it. I know the woman is lonely and I know she is depresed. but I have given to others to my own neglect and harm and now I'm done with it. the masochism has to stop; the trauma made me question my every perspection when it comes to relationships. I don't mind sacrificing WHEN I WANT TO. anyway, I don't think its small if it sucks life from you.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yep, I solved my problem today by apologizing to her (not, an I'm sorry-not sorry thing, either), if I hurt her feelings (I said little derogatory to her directly but to her friend, who I'm sure took it back, and I said so), and told her I was happy she got the shifts and wished her a merry Christmas genuinely, and she wished me a Merry Christmas. All made possible because I decided I will do the only logical thing, the thing within my control, and not celebrate Christmas myself at all. Which solves all of it, as now I don't care about any of it. And it's really not a big leap, since what kind of Christmas has it been these last years alone, anyway, without family, spouse or kids and working taking SA every day- and today he upped the ante even further. Which still is more required than not having work at all, +/or being homeless.

Far as believing what Christmas celebrates- sure. Though I have found In God We Trust, Everyone Else Pays Cash, far more realistic when you're single, and a woman. There is nothing to hope for, or expect, in my mind. Except trying to survive the next trauma, full of holes and more battle-weary after the fact than ever. Which is why surviving isn't all it's cracked up to be, IMHO.

 

[blackemerald1]

not celebrate Christmas myself at all. Which solves all of it, as now I don't care about any of it.

^^Yikes...my friend this is terrible.
What can you do to make some extra money before Christmas? You have skills that can earn you money - what can you think of... please try. :hug:

There is nothing to hope for, or expect, in my mind. Except trying to survive the next trauma, full of holes and more battle-weary after the fact than ever. Which is why surviving isn't all it's cracked up to be, IMHO.

^^I am so sorry you are feeling this way... I hear you and I am feeling bad for you. :cry: :hug: