General Frustrated Beyond Belief...

[phoebes_momma]

I'm going to say this outright - this post is going to be on the selfish side of things. I'm sorry if I offend you, or if I don't see things your way but I'm young and I need to vent my side of the PTSD realm.

I've been dating a vet with ptsd for almost 4 years. He was officially diagnosed 1 year ago but I've seen evidence of the problem for 3 years. Before the diagnosis it was problem after problem, whether health problem or social but after the diagnosis everything was "it's because of my PTSD." It's an out for him, an excuse. Almost an excuse not to try to get better.

When he was diagnosed he started seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist and I thought he was pretty religious about seeing both but later on I found out that he was only seeing his therapist once every couple of weeks and his psychiatrist whenever he needed to "fix" something. He has a pill to sleep, a pill to wake up, a pill to be happy, a pill to be sad, and even a pill that is supposed to be used on migraine sufferers but he takes it to counter act weight gain from one of the other ones he takes. When both of us graduated college (I December, him May) he stopped seeing his therapist all together until we had a fight and he went back once. This angers me because he continues to use his PTSD as an out for all the things he does or doesn't do. For example: 1) I need a vacation because my PTSD is stressing me out, 2) I can't work on my resume because my PTSD is keeping me from concentrating (that's an explanation to this day). To top things off, a dream of mine for a very long time has been to attend law school. When I asked him to join me at my school (aka live with me and him work) he refused and moved to his childhood home 4 1/2 hrs away.

He's a jealous man and I know that things are not going to go well if we continue to be apart, but I'm not sure how much more I can handle. If he does move in with me, which I recognise would be a HUGE step, how am I going to determine when he is actually suffering? I have no doubt in my head that what he saw in Kuwait, what he went through was real and was very disturbing. I have no doubt that he does have real scars from this war that are not visible. But why should I continue to support him through his hurts if he can't even muster up enough to help me through law school?

 

[Deleted member 541]

So if you know that he is using his PTSD as an excuse...He isn't doing anything to help himself. He isn't working at getting better....The WHY in the hell are you still with him?????

Seems pretty obvious to me, that you need to just end the relationship and walk away now.

As far as helping you through law school.....If he can't help himself, or won't help himself, why in the hell would you think he could help you???????

 

[Shoka]

Phoebes Momma

It's not selfish to want to have your needs met, but it's unrealistic to think that this man, in the current state you described him in is actually capable of supporting you.

As a carer, you will find it necessary to figure out other support systems in your life to get some of your needs met, other than through your sufferer. It's just the way it is. On the other hand, I don't recommend allowing yourself to stay with him and use PTSD as an excuse for poor behavior in your relationship. For me, my sufferer knew that if he stopped seeing his therapists, it would have to be over for us, as his disorder was not anywhere near being in a "management" phase.

I've found over the years (I'm not as young as you are) that in general, there are times when your partner just can't support you the way you feel like you need to be supported, and that is because they have their own load to bear and literally don't have a free hand to lend. It sounds very much from what you describe, that this is the case with your sufferer.

So, it's not selfish that you feel you have your needs met. It sounds to me like you have some decisions to make about whether or not the relationship is working for you with the realities of the situation of being with someone who has PTSD.

I wish you all the best, and alot of hope that things will get better.

Monica

 

[Frankie]

Hi phoebes momma,

We all need and want our needs to be met and we all want to be with someone that supports us.....unfortunately being with someone who has ptsd this is not always possible. I agree with Shoka in that you will have to find a support group to meet some of your needs....

A sufferer will have a hard time meeting his own needs let alone those of others. I don't say it can't be done.....but it seems your boyfriend has a long way to go.

Your boyfriend has to stop excusing his behavior on his ptsd....and learn how to control and manage it. There is a man behind his ptsd and he has to stop hiding behind it.

He is being selfish in how he acts and in what he says....but I believe this disorder is a selfish one. You are the only one that knows if you will be able to handle and support him !

Be truly honest with yourself in whether you decide to go ahead with the relationship....be ready for a hard and long journey, a journey that is unpredictable as much as it can be rewarding..........be ready for a change in lifestyle, the man that was before the ptsd....no longer is...he is a different man and you both have to learn to accept it.

As in all relationships you both have to be ready to make the compromises and efforts to make it work.

Frankie

 

[malibran]

I have to say this is a very logical reply. I agree totally with what SheCat is saying here.
It seems you would rather not see this fact . So be careful or you can be very hurt. Lots of luck,
Malibran

 

[ISupportHer]

I read your post and can feel the frustration coming through. There are many here that have similar feelings and issues. Simply having this forum to express your forum to seek feedback and to have an ability to kind of get your thoughts across can be a huge help.

There are lots of resouces and older posts you can reference. I think most will follow the same line that you cannot make him change. That is just so damned hard to accept from a carers side of the relationship. Please do what you can to help yourself. Share, get help yourself, and I wish you well in your struggle.