I wrote this to a friend this morning. Names and places have been changed or removed to protect privacy.
I don't know details on W’s death yet. But I do know a fair amount about their life together. It could have been anything from heart attack to homicide or suicide by gunshot. But most likely it was an alcoholic coma or suicide by opiates combined with alcohol. Most likely, Alicewas out and finally, she just didn't get to him in time to save his life. Most likely that.
W was an addict-alcoholic, in and out of rehab for many years. This was a guy who could walk a straight line with a blood alcohol of 0.34, or so 'tis said. In City-1, while drunk, he tried to set off something that turned out to be C-4 from his days as a mercenary. The police found enough C-4 in the garage to level several city blocks. Another time he attacked her and then sliced his throat with a kitchen knife. She called ambulances to save his life from alcoholic coma many times. When she had surgery and was in incredible pain, he stole all her opiates, leaving her with nothing but tylenol. When she got septic and nearly died, he wasn't there for her. He hadn't lived with the family in City-1 for a couple of years after the C-4 incident. Coming to city-2 for a big career opportunity for Alice was supposed to be a new try and it worked for a while.
He was hospitalized in ICU in City-2 in an alcoholic coma that would have killed him if Alicehadn't called an ambulance. Then he climbed out the second story bedroom window while drunk and fractured vertebrae and his skull last year. She told the group that he fell off the roof going after pigeons. One of those endless lies such women tell to wallpaper their lives with hope for the outside world.
Alice had filed for a non-contested divorce that he signed and was supposed to be final Dec of this year. I don't know what that would have given him, but I think it included lifetime support. He managed to spend his $40,000 a year income in about a month this year as signaled by his inability to afford to buy shoes after he moved to a half-way house. God only knows how he managed that. I don't know if you were in the group earlier this year when there was thumping and banging upstairs. That was W falling down drunk up there. He peed on the carpet and it required steam cleaning.
W's role was to take the kids to school, pick them up and sometimes pick upAlice from work - when he was sober. He loved the kids, although the one that got married (child by her first husband) couldn't stand his alcoholism and served W the divorce papers.
W wasn't a bad guy, but he had a serious addiction problem and could be violent as a drunk. All of W's siblings are addicts and special forces/mercenary vets too, except one. Alice's relationship to him started out well, he was a wheel in construction. She thought he held his liquor well in their early marriage. After W's father died, his alcoholism became florid. He was out of work for years and while her career went very well he became Jeeves.
He didn't feel like much of a man and came from a heavily macho culture where the men are mercenaries, special forces, that sort of thing. W was the runt of the family. W never talked about what he did in Central and South Americabut I think it had a significant impact on his alcoholism. He was a classic PTSD personality, hyper-vigilant, an outsider everywhere he went, needing to tranquilize himself to deal with his internal feelings. Aliceis excellent at hiding the realities of her life, a classic enabler. But she did love him. That love for him was over though - or at least she thought so. She was just wrung out and angry at him. She wanted him out of her life forever - except for the kids, who did love their daddy, despite everything.
W loved Alice I think. He loved her and he used her both. She became his ticket, his mother, his everything. My observation is that this made him resent her. He would call her bitch sometimes. I also observed real love there, but it was needy love without capacity to care for her except for being house handyman and butler.
I think that the reasons she doesn't want to see anybody are several. First, it's complicated, andAlice has been expert at hiding how screwed up her marriage was. Among other things, it meant she could never file charges against him for fear of getting in the news. Now that he's dead, he's gone from her life and she doesn't have to worry about paying alimony or fielding phone calls for help for the rest of her life, there has to be a lot of relief. I doubt she wants people to witness that.
Second, for the kids this is complicated too. He helped them with their homework and climbed out windows drunk. He took them to school and picked them up for most of their lives, played with them, and they laughed at him when he was falling flat on his face. He loved them and tried to blow up the house with them in it.
Now that he's dead, they will be feeling the loss as well as guilt over their past feelings of contempt. It will take them a lifetime to sort all that out - if they ever manage it. Alice may want to protect her children from being seen by people outside the family going through their drama about that.
Third,Aliceprobably feels guilt and perhaps more grief than she had any clue she would. She may not be able to hide her feelings well enough from the group to maintain the front that she believes she needs to keep up. Then again, perhaps there is nothing left for her but relief that it is finally over and she can, at last, move on.
Fourth, Alicemay be wanting to bury this part of her past with the group. It's what she has done with every other phase of her life rather than actually deal with her issues.
A good question is - can she move on? Has she learned enough to be able to do something different? I don't know. There is an opening now, perhaps. She is a workaholic, definitely. It's her major coping mechanism. What else there is, I don't know. I was suspicious of her 5 day disappearance where she went out partying. There may be some level of addiction going on for her as well, but I'm not sure. The woman has the constitution of an ox. Most human beings couldn't drive themselves that hard without breaking down - in their twenties. This gal guns the accelerator like demons are chasing her while pushing fifty. Could you go on 2 hours of sleep or less for a week and consider 4 hours a relatively normal night?
However, if Aliceknew that she didn't have to hide anymore, and her professional life was not going to suffer for it, that would probably be a huge relief to her. I don't think it would be a problem for people where she works. She would probably find out she has a lot more company than she thinks. The boardroom and the gutter have an odd correspondence of dysfunctional lives. But Alicehas lived her whole life walling off her professional life from her marriages. Her first husband was an addict ex-special forces. She goes for that type - her unconscious radar finds it. God knows I've got my own unconscious radar. One can't change it exactly, just deal with it. She had serious issues growing up. But as she put it, "I've always outsmarted my therapists." One doesn't actually outsmart a therapist. One prevents oneself from utilizing a therapist.
So I started out saying that you couldn't do anything. But now that I finish this, that's probably the best thing you could do. If she knew that she didn't have to hide out anymore at work that could be helpful. If she knew she could talk to friends and they would understand, that would be somewhat terrifying for her at first but also bring her to a better place.
My own regret now is that I didn't act on my impulses to go see W and talk with him when Alice wasn't there. I felt like he needed that. But you know how life is. Other things, other priorities. And he was very hard to talk to.
Shigata. 'Tis done now. Nothing for it but prayers for the dead and care of the living.
I don't know details on W’s death yet. But I do know a fair amount about their life together. It could have been anything from heart attack to homicide or suicide by gunshot. But most likely it was an alcoholic coma or suicide by opiates combined with alcohol. Most likely, Alicewas out and finally, she just didn't get to him in time to save his life. Most likely that.
W was an addict-alcoholic, in and out of rehab for many years. This was a guy who could walk a straight line with a blood alcohol of 0.34, or so 'tis said. In City-1, while drunk, he tried to set off something that turned out to be C-4 from his days as a mercenary. The police found enough C-4 in the garage to level several city blocks. Another time he attacked her and then sliced his throat with a kitchen knife. She called ambulances to save his life from alcoholic coma many times. When she had surgery and was in incredible pain, he stole all her opiates, leaving her with nothing but tylenol. When she got septic and nearly died, he wasn't there for her. He hadn't lived with the family in City-1 for a couple of years after the C-4 incident. Coming to city-2 for a big career opportunity for Alice was supposed to be a new try and it worked for a while.
He was hospitalized in ICU in City-2 in an alcoholic coma that would have killed him if Alicehadn't called an ambulance. Then he climbed out the second story bedroom window while drunk and fractured vertebrae and his skull last year. She told the group that he fell off the roof going after pigeons. One of those endless lies such women tell to wallpaper their lives with hope for the outside world.
Alice had filed for a non-contested divorce that he signed and was supposed to be final Dec of this year. I don't know what that would have given him, but I think it included lifetime support. He managed to spend his $40,000 a year income in about a month this year as signaled by his inability to afford to buy shoes after he moved to a half-way house. God only knows how he managed that. I don't know if you were in the group earlier this year when there was thumping and banging upstairs. That was W falling down drunk up there. He peed on the carpet and it required steam cleaning.
W's role was to take the kids to school, pick them up and sometimes pick upAlice from work - when he was sober. He loved the kids, although the one that got married (child by her first husband) couldn't stand his alcoholism and served W the divorce papers.
W wasn't a bad guy, but he had a serious addiction problem and could be violent as a drunk. All of W's siblings are addicts and special forces/mercenary vets too, except one. Alice's relationship to him started out well, he was a wheel in construction. She thought he held his liquor well in their early marriage. After W's father died, his alcoholism became florid. He was out of work for years and while her career went very well he became Jeeves.
He didn't feel like much of a man and came from a heavily macho culture where the men are mercenaries, special forces, that sort of thing. W was the runt of the family. W never talked about what he did in Central and South Americabut I think it had a significant impact on his alcoholism. He was a classic PTSD personality, hyper-vigilant, an outsider everywhere he went, needing to tranquilize himself to deal with his internal feelings. Aliceis excellent at hiding the realities of her life, a classic enabler. But she did love him. That love for him was over though - or at least she thought so. She was just wrung out and angry at him. She wanted him out of her life forever - except for the kids, who did love their daddy, despite everything.
W loved Alice I think. He loved her and he used her both. She became his ticket, his mother, his everything. My observation is that this made him resent her. He would call her bitch sometimes. I also observed real love there, but it was needy love without capacity to care for her except for being house handyman and butler.
I think that the reasons she doesn't want to see anybody are several. First, it's complicated, andAlice has been expert at hiding how screwed up her marriage was. Among other things, it meant she could never file charges against him for fear of getting in the news. Now that he's dead, he's gone from her life and she doesn't have to worry about paying alimony or fielding phone calls for help for the rest of her life, there has to be a lot of relief. I doubt she wants people to witness that.
Second, for the kids this is complicated too. He helped them with their homework and climbed out windows drunk. He took them to school and picked them up for most of their lives, played with them, and they laughed at him when he was falling flat on his face. He loved them and tried to blow up the house with them in it.
Now that he's dead, they will be feeling the loss as well as guilt over their past feelings of contempt. It will take them a lifetime to sort all that out - if they ever manage it. Alice may want to protect her children from being seen by people outside the family going through their drama about that.
Third,Aliceprobably feels guilt and perhaps more grief than she had any clue she would. She may not be able to hide her feelings well enough from the group to maintain the front that she believes she needs to keep up. Then again, perhaps there is nothing left for her but relief that it is finally over and she can, at last, move on.
Fourth, Alicemay be wanting to bury this part of her past with the group. It's what she has done with every other phase of her life rather than actually deal with her issues.
A good question is - can she move on? Has she learned enough to be able to do something different? I don't know. There is an opening now, perhaps. She is a workaholic, definitely. It's her major coping mechanism. What else there is, I don't know. I was suspicious of her 5 day disappearance where she went out partying. There may be some level of addiction going on for her as well, but I'm not sure. The woman has the constitution of an ox. Most human beings couldn't drive themselves that hard without breaking down - in their twenties. This gal guns the accelerator like demons are chasing her while pushing fifty. Could you go on 2 hours of sleep or less for a week and consider 4 hours a relatively normal night?
However, if Aliceknew that she didn't have to hide anymore, and her professional life was not going to suffer for it, that would probably be a huge relief to her. I don't think it would be a problem for people where she works. She would probably find out she has a lot more company than she thinks. The boardroom and the gutter have an odd correspondence of dysfunctional lives. But Alicehas lived her whole life walling off her professional life from her marriages. Her first husband was an addict ex-special forces. She goes for that type - her unconscious radar finds it. God knows I've got my own unconscious radar. One can't change it exactly, just deal with it. She had serious issues growing up. But as she put it, "I've always outsmarted my therapists." One doesn't actually outsmart a therapist. One prevents oneself from utilizing a therapist.
So I started out saying that you couldn't do anything. But now that I finish this, that's probably the best thing you could do. If she knew that she didn't have to hide out anymore at work that could be helpful. If she knew she could talk to friends and they would understand, that would be somewhat terrifying for her at first but also bring her to a better place.
My own regret now is that I didn't act on my impulses to go see W and talk with him when Alice wasn't there. I felt like he needed that. But you know how life is. Other things, other priorities. And he was very hard to talk to.
Shigata. 'Tis done now. Nothing for it but prayers for the dead and care of the living.
