My grandfather died and I don't think I can emotionally handle attending funeral

[DeerinHeadlights]

My grandfather has passed. It's my mother's dad. I went no contact after moving cities becuase my severely mentally ill mother would beat, and attack me every time my extended family said anything nice. She always would preface her abuse with "I am hurting you becuase I love you".

This got worse after my dad attempted suicide and they broke up for the final time. I had barely graduated HS at the time and had not yet gotten a job. My mother got progressively more and more abusive and started forbidding me from talking to the niaghbors, my dad, her family or having freinds or partners.

Eventually I moved to a new city and got a new job and she been stalking me ever since. A week ago my little brother called and informed me my grandfather has passed. They than frantically tried to offer me to stay with various family members including my mother's house who he still lives with.

I'm conflicted and depressed becuase my freinds from out of town are visiting and I been enjoying a life away from my absolutely deranged mother. I feel bad for my gramma though and I don't think I can mentally go back knowing I'll get the privilege of seeing my family once for the funeral and have to leave again forever.

 

[Movingforward10]

I:m sorry for you loss.

Do you want to go to the funeral to say goodbye to your granddad?

Or can you honour him another way?

Can you go to the funeral and leave immediately after?

What would be best case scenario? And what would be worst? And what can you control and what can't you, if you go?

It's perfectly ok not to go.
Funerals really aren't the only way to say goodbye.
Working out what you want to do, rather than what you think you should do or worrying about someone else's grief, will help. Really do what works for you.

 

[arfie]

hello deerin. welcome to the forum.

empathy on the dilemma. i have been going through similar since i estranged from my family in 1977. i've gone to a few of the funerals, etc., and abstained from most. either way, the challenge remains. when my father died in 2005, i had been working with a spiritual advisor for long enough to have built considerable trust between us. she gently insisted i attend the grief support group there at our church. her premise was that when a loved one dies, it is the loss of a physical presence. the love lives on. when an abuser dies, it is the death of hope. reconciliation will never happen. is there a greater loss than the death of hope? i followed her suggestion and i am glad i did. methinks she was right.

but that is me and every case is unique.

steadying support while you find what works best for you. welcome aboard.

 

[Lily44]

What a load you are carrying - all those emotions!! I wish you the very very best and I'm so sorry you are experiencing so much pain. I know this type of pain can feel overwhelming and then when there is an event like a funeral or get together, the feelings intensify because of the add ons which makes it even more difficult to navigate. You are definitely not alone in experiencing this stuff. You are already showing signs of navigating it by reaching out to others so I know you will get through this. Hurting people hurt others but them hurting you is not the true definition of your worth, value, etc. and realizing this has helped me be able to walk through situations with people who hurt me. Regarding what to do with the funeral, when i have made decisions based on my heart, my gut, instead of emotions or fear I have faired well. I will pray for you - I hope you keep us informed about it all. You have a friend. Best to you for now.