carolinasoul
New Here
Hey y'all, I'm here looking for some support and help because it's been really hard being the supporter and helper. My partner of ~8 months was recently diagnosed with complex PTSD. She's been seeing a therapist for depression and has a history with eating disorders and self-harm, but it was only about two weeks ago that the therapist gave a more complete diagnosis of C-PTSD. I found a couples therapist that specifically deals with post-traumatic relationships and sexuality and we'll be going to our first session on Wednesday.
Even though we haven't been together that long we've been friends for longer and I love her so much. I really want to support her and help her and make things work between us. I think now more than at any other point of our relationship that we're on the right path with this diagnosis and therapy. Yet I've been feeling just so absolutely low and hopeless these past few weeks and I don't feel like I can talk to my family or friends about it.
The first two months were so amazing, but for the past six she's gotten more and more distant, meaner (the worst is when she will say things just because she knows it'll hurt me then apologize later), and harder to talk to. There was also an abrupt halt to our regular and happy sextivities, both sexual and sensual. We used to stay up until super late talking and drinking but now we have a rule that we don't fight after midnight (which I have to call on most nights we stay up that late) and I feel apprehensive about drinking with her because she slides so quickly into her argumentative, defensive moods whenever she's tipsy, sleepy, anxious, or stressed. We've been really good about talking and keeping communication open and recover well from our fights, but I feel exhausted tip-toeing around her and feeling like we can’t talk about any small tension point without it becoming a long dragout.
I've especially been having a hard time dealing with the sex issues - in the past six months we've had maybe six sexual encounters, four of which were in January when I thought things were finally getting better. More than just the frequency though what's been the hardest is feeling like my own sexual desires and wants for a healthy sexual relationship are bad things and that if I could just be asexual she would be fine. I've been having happy and healthy sexual relationships since I was 16 so even though I've been making huge efforts to show my understanding and support of her low sex drive this has been incredibly jarring and I feel lonely and scared.
Most recently she's said that she doesn't actually want a future where we have sex. She said it’s messed up that people expect sex in a relationship and society puts that pressure on people. She says that just like she’d like to play music with me but knows I don’t play any instruments and that’s OK with her if that’s never a part of our relationship, it should be OK for her to never want sex even if I enjoy sex and sex is an important component of a long-term relationship for me. I suggested we not have anymore sex until we see a therapist both because that’s what she wants but also because I feel just so devastated and hurt.
I thought for the past six months we were both trying to work together to lay the groundwork for a healthy sexual relationship. I asked her repeatedly if that’s what she wanted and we talked multiple times about how if she was only working on her sex issues for me and not because that’s what she wanted that’s an easy recipe for no healing and brewing resentment of me. She assured me that she did want that and that she wanted to work on slowly re-incorporating sex into our relationship. Now after half a year she’s telling me that yes she has C-PTSD and loves me but that she’ll never want to have sex and that the issue that I need to work on is expecting sex as part of a relationship. This is very hard to hear as I’ve been so patient and understanding and adamant about enthusiastic consent throughout, and for the past two months I haven’t made any sexual advances or suggestions to her at all. She was supposed to be working on ways she could show any type of sexual interest in me - we went over some different levels of activities from in-person sex things to sending me an email that says she’s thinking about a good sexy time we had together. She couldn’t bring herself to do one thing and was meaner than ever during this period, which I now think was avoidant behavior but doesn’t make it hurt any less. I’ve been researching C-PTSD heavily now and I know this can be a symptom, but it hurts so much to make yourself so vulnerable and for nothing to happen. She constantly worries about hurting me, and says that she gets so anxious about how this is affecting me that she can't improve until she knows her behaviors and lack of any sexual recognition don't have any consequences on how I feel. I constantly reassure her that I’m OK and love her and understand recovery takes time, but I don’t see how I’m not supposed to feel anything as I’m hurting so much.
This is just so much y’all. I’m a very positive person and have gone through some really rough times myself (been in a 4-year relationship where I was emotionally abused, abusive relationship with my borderline sister, general anxiety) but I’ve never felt like my hope has been stripped away like this before. I've been going to a mindfulness class for the past two months and am looking for my own therapist again. I have wonderful friends, a great community, hobbies I enjoy and make time for, regular exercise, and a job I love. Things in general are awesome but I have this huge gaping hole in an area of my life that used to bring me so much happiness. I guess I’m here because I need some folks to talk to as I just feel so alone and could really use the perspective of anyone that's also going through similar things.
Even though we haven't been together that long we've been friends for longer and I love her so much. I really want to support her and help her and make things work between us. I think now more than at any other point of our relationship that we're on the right path with this diagnosis and therapy. Yet I've been feeling just so absolutely low and hopeless these past few weeks and I don't feel like I can talk to my family or friends about it.
The first two months were so amazing, but for the past six she's gotten more and more distant, meaner (the worst is when she will say things just because she knows it'll hurt me then apologize later), and harder to talk to. There was also an abrupt halt to our regular and happy sextivities, both sexual and sensual. We used to stay up until super late talking and drinking but now we have a rule that we don't fight after midnight (which I have to call on most nights we stay up that late) and I feel apprehensive about drinking with her because she slides so quickly into her argumentative, defensive moods whenever she's tipsy, sleepy, anxious, or stressed. We've been really good about talking and keeping communication open and recover well from our fights, but I feel exhausted tip-toeing around her and feeling like we can’t talk about any small tension point without it becoming a long dragout.
I've especially been having a hard time dealing with the sex issues - in the past six months we've had maybe six sexual encounters, four of which were in January when I thought things were finally getting better. More than just the frequency though what's been the hardest is feeling like my own sexual desires and wants for a healthy sexual relationship are bad things and that if I could just be asexual she would be fine. I've been having happy and healthy sexual relationships since I was 16 so even though I've been making huge efforts to show my understanding and support of her low sex drive this has been incredibly jarring and I feel lonely and scared.
Most recently she's said that she doesn't actually want a future where we have sex. She said it’s messed up that people expect sex in a relationship and society puts that pressure on people. She says that just like she’d like to play music with me but knows I don’t play any instruments and that’s OK with her if that’s never a part of our relationship, it should be OK for her to never want sex even if I enjoy sex and sex is an important component of a long-term relationship for me. I suggested we not have anymore sex until we see a therapist both because that’s what she wants but also because I feel just so devastated and hurt.
I thought for the past six months we were both trying to work together to lay the groundwork for a healthy sexual relationship. I asked her repeatedly if that’s what she wanted and we talked multiple times about how if she was only working on her sex issues for me and not because that’s what she wanted that’s an easy recipe for no healing and brewing resentment of me. She assured me that she did want that and that she wanted to work on slowly re-incorporating sex into our relationship. Now after half a year she’s telling me that yes she has C-PTSD and loves me but that she’ll never want to have sex and that the issue that I need to work on is expecting sex as part of a relationship. This is very hard to hear as I’ve been so patient and understanding and adamant about enthusiastic consent throughout, and for the past two months I haven’t made any sexual advances or suggestions to her at all. She was supposed to be working on ways she could show any type of sexual interest in me - we went over some different levels of activities from in-person sex things to sending me an email that says she’s thinking about a good sexy time we had together. She couldn’t bring herself to do one thing and was meaner than ever during this period, which I now think was avoidant behavior but doesn’t make it hurt any less. I’ve been researching C-PTSD heavily now and I know this can be a symptom, but it hurts so much to make yourself so vulnerable and for nothing to happen. She constantly worries about hurting me, and says that she gets so anxious about how this is affecting me that she can't improve until she knows her behaviors and lack of any sexual recognition don't have any consequences on how I feel. I constantly reassure her that I’m OK and love her and understand recovery takes time, but I don’t see how I’m not supposed to feel anything as I’m hurting so much.
This is just so much y’all. I’m a very positive person and have gone through some really rough times myself (been in a 4-year relationship where I was emotionally abused, abusive relationship with my borderline sister, general anxiety) but I’ve never felt like my hope has been stripped away like this before. I've been going to a mindfulness class for the past two months and am looking for my own therapist again. I have wonderful friends, a great community, hobbies I enjoy and make time for, regular exercise, and a job I love. Things in general are awesome but I have this huge gaping hole in an area of my life that used to bring me so much happiness. I guess I’m here because I need some folks to talk to as I just feel so alone and could really use the perspective of anyone that's also going through similar things.
