Girlfriend Just Got the PTSD Diagnose - Advice Needed

[yurgh]

Hi -
I'm a 33 year old IT-professional from Norway. I've had no previous experience with PTSD, apart from what I've read in the news every now and then. I'm currently seeing a girl with PTSD.

I've searched the forums for an hour, but I don't seem to find something closely related to my dilemma (guess that proves we're all individuals :))

My girlfriend is 25 - and I'm not quite sure where it all started and which events followed which, but today she got the PTSD diagnosis from a pscyhiatric specialist after being evaluated for around two months. A lot of the issues seemed to "fall into place" when I read up what PTSD really is, however I feel quite intimidated by the facts.

I know this might seem like a drug-abuse story, but please bear with me since that's the backround. This should qualify for a "longest introduction"-award :)

She was bullied (taunted) a lot in school (age 9-10), even beat up by her "friends". This lead to her not wanting to go to school. Her parents asked what was wrong and she said nothing, so they made her go anyway. She obviously didn't do very well.

At around 13-14 she joined the small band of other "outcast" kids, and began using drugs. I think she started on party drugs, but she went on to do "hard" drugs (heroin etc) and all kind of medical drugs that would give some brief pleasure.

Her father was very upset with her, and it turned out in a physical manner - he beat her when he was really frustrated, usually after being thoroughly provoked. Usually she hit first. He would lock her in her room and deprive her of food. She would run away and get high, not wanting to come back because she know what waited for her.

At 17-18 she was getting high on a mix of rohypnol and some other hard drugs with a girlfriend at some guys flat. The guy tried to get her friend to bed, but she didn't want and told him to go have my girlfriend insted. (The term "friend" don't seem very suitable here...) My girlfriend said she managed to get him off and nothing happened.

She was commited to various psychiatric wards two or three times, and was on detoxication institutions four times during this period - ending at around age 20. (She later told me she continued to abuse pills until age 23) Also, she got a few convictions on break-in and stealing, even for threatening to kill someone (over payment for drugs). She also stole as much as she could get her hands on to get drugs. She says she never traded drugs for sex, and that she was a virgin until age 19.

She told me most of this before we started the relationship.

I have only known this girl for a little over a year, and had to break it off three times - however it ended up with me deciding to give it a bit more time to see what would happen.

In the beginning she said she was very in love with me, however it didn't quite feel that way as she often got very distant. She didn't like that I touched her. And most attempts at doing "regular" just-in-love things like holding hands and kissing was mostly turned down.

After a couple of months of this I was getting quite depressed, and said that I couldn't keep on like that because it made me unhappy. She said it was my fault since I wasn't "macho" enough. So after a few hours with my thinking-cap on, I decided to try to be less sensitive. However it's hard not to pick up the signals someone send when they build a brick wall around them.

We ended up having sex after around three months in a relationship, but it was rare after that. Though every time she said she couldn't imagine why we didn't do it more often - as it made her feel happy and closer to me. The longer time it went between each time, the more distanced she got.

In the beginning I was a bit concerned with her being anorgastic (unable to get an orgasm by any means). She admited she had never tried herself, since it was filthy and turned it over on me for giving up too soon.

She refused to talk about intimacy (or anything like it) - claiming everythig it was my fault for being to gentle. She wouldn't open up except for when she got drunk, then she acted like your regular impression of a girlfriend.

After breaking up with her a few months back, she decided that she needed to see a psychologist - and it resulted in the PTSD diagnose.

Well, that was a lot longer background than I expected...

My dilemma is this:
She refuse to talk to me about any of this. I tell her I don't need to know whatever happened back then and she can keep those secrets for the professionals - but I want to try to understand what she is going through _here and now_

She says it's none of my business, and that I have serious issues with intimacy (and sex) and should see a shrink about it, that she need more room and that I should stop pressuring her. I must add that being deprived of it makes me more aware of it missing, but I don't feel I have issues and it's been a long time since any kind of hinting about intimacy. (It's the lack of feeling close that's the killer for me, btw)

When I found out she got the diagnose I kind of realized that the past issues wasn't really dead, which makes her behaviour understandable - though she has refused to admit this whenever the subject came up, instead blaming me, and everyone else.

I'm thinking the best thing I can do is to walk away and let her deal with this in sessions with a professional. I know I can't, and isn't obliged to "fix" her issues - however she wants me to just be on standby and "take what I get" until she get well.

I am prepared to walk away, for good this time, since I think she don't need the added pressure of getting well "for me", and the fact she won't tell me how she feel. She will not handle a being friends relationship, so that is not an option.

Hmm based on what I write here my meaning appears clearer to me on what to do, but do anyone have any pointers? Do I demand a lot when I want her to talk about how she feels?

Wish you ppl all the best! :)

 

[macpayne]

My first gut reaction says run like hell!!! Sorry but It's what I think. I don't think she's that into you and I think she now needs her own space to heal and grow. I don't hear any effort on her part with the relationship and in her defence she's only beginning to learn how to live, love and be comfortable in who she is. Right now she's only coming to terms with what she has and how to cope. As PTSD sufferers we close off the world, live in extreme anxiety and try to cope by any means possible. Having a bad childhood myself made me incapable of loving, nurturing or being happy. I only knew anger....... Its a long road and it's any wonder some of us are still married. Its tough on everyone. Goodluck!!

 

[Onefineday]

I have to disagree with macpayne, sorry, I can totally understand why you think he should run though, a lot of people would think that.

I can relate in at least some way to your girlfriend, and the way that she acts does not neccesarily mean she does not want to be with you. It is your understanding and tolerance of what she is dealing with, and the fact you are looking for information is something I could only wish for myself. The fact that she is blaming you for a lot of things, saying that a lot of things are your fault could possibly be due to the fact she is conciously or subconciously trying to blame someone for what happened/get her past off her chest. She could have such a resentment for people in her past that she is at the point where she just needs to take it out on somebody. She could also be feeling that you are just another guy trying to take advantage of her. I am that way, I have so much resentment inside that I have the illusion in my head that all men are out to get me to take advantage of me, wether it's sexual, or the power, or the game of trying to win me over, whatever. It's not because any guy would ever like me, they just think I'm a joke. I don't trust men at all and have never been in a relationship. But it doesn't mean I don't want to.

If you care enough about her that you are willing to support her then I say stick around, don't push her into anything, especially sex. Did she have sex with you because she genuinely wanted to or did she feel inside that she should give you what you want because she felt that was all she was worth? You did say already that at least one guy has taken advantage of her sexually. There are a lot of men who won't stick around if they don't get sex and that could be something in her head. I coud only ever dream of finding a guy who cared enough to stay around and support and understand me, but I know I will never be with anyone, I know it doesn't exsist for me.

If you can stand by her then I know your understanding will mean a great deal to her, if not now then in the future, even if she didn't admit it. Having said that, you should never let anyone elses problems become your own so if you feel you need to make the hard decision of getting away to look after yourself don't let guilt make you stay.

Try not to take the things she says to heart, it does not neccsarily mean she actually believes what she is saying, but little things that get her worked up could bring up feelnigs of the past and she is just letting it out on you, telling you what she is feeling at the time. That's why she is nice one minute and off at you the next. It's hard to explain, but it's like waves of different feelings, one minute I will absolutely hate men, and I will use the word hate, I will go on and on about how they are no good are are just out manipulate women, I will think about all the things that have been done to me and how many guys have hurt me in comparison to how many guys have respected me. But then another time I will get so depressed because all I want is to find a guy who understands, and have a great relationship.

I cannot share any type of intimacy, I have never been in a relationship, just the thought of kissing someone or holding hands or having sex... bleh... It makes my skin crawl. That and I feel so uncomfortable with myself that I can't even think of myself doing that.

She might be saying it's none of your buisness because she thinks you won't understand (I just lost a friend who pushed me into sharing my problem and they didn't quite understand as much as they thought they were going to), she might be embarrassed, or she might feel so uncomfortable with herself that she can't say it. Whenever I share things it feels good to get it off my chest at first, but then I regret it after. I already regret my introduction from yesterday, and I'll regret everything I'm telling you now.

I hope you understand what I'm trying to explain. Maybe try and convince her to come on here and share her feelings, or find people's stories you think she might relate to and show her, maybe she will see she is not the only one in a situation like that. She may be really happy that you are putting the effort in to understand her and help her, or she might get offended and think you are invading her privacy, so just be careful. If you ever get the opportunity, try and sit with her and tell her you are for her and you are willing to stand by and support her, but you are finding it hard when she won't open up. Tell her it's okay if she doesn't want to open up to you, but you want to help her find someone that does, until the time that she may one day feel ready to talk to you. Just remember, if she ever does open up to you, be tolerant and don't judge her for the words that may come out of her mouth at that time, she may say things that are harsh but as I said deep inside her it may not really be directed at you.
As you said, it's not hard to pick up signals when they've built a brink wall around themselves. And as I always say- sometimes you can be so quick to put the walls up that you forget to build a window to see reality on the other side.
The only world you know is what you have created for yourself, until someone breaks through to pull you back into reality. But when that happens it can be terrifying because you do not know who they are or what their intenions are, they have come from reality but you know out there is only bad, so they have to go out of their way to convince you to step through and see it's not all bad. If they are good they can possibly pull you through, otherwise you will build the walls back up twice as strong and it is even harder for someone else to break through. You are breaking through her wall, and if you're going to stick around you need to show her everything is not as terrifying as she remembers.

 

[armygf]

Hi Yurgh,

My situation is not entirely similar to yours, but I do have a girlfriend who was recently diagnosed with PTSD, albeit from combat and not from any childhood abuse or sexual abuse, and we were together for a while before she was ever diagnosed/developed PTSD.

In terms of sex (this feels sort of wrong to be talking about this, but I'm kind of glad you brought it up because there has been SUCH a difference in it), since my gf's diagnosis, her sexual behavior is rather erratic and hard to read. She'll initiate sex, I'll go along with it, and about fifteen minutes in she just pulls away and talk about how she feels trapped and overwhelmed and we need to stop. Then fifteen minutes after that she'll ask me why we stopped and why I wasn't touching her anymore. This was really confusing to me, because her behavior was so hot and cold and she didn't know at all what she wanted...when we did have sex, she was always really cuddly right after for a while, and then like a few hours later, or the next morning, she'd be distant again. She also had trouble reaching orgasm, which had never happened before, and she oscillated between blaming me for not trying hard enough or changing how we had sex or not listening to her, or blaming herself like crazy because of the meds and her moods and "ruining sex" for me (her words, not mine, I never really felt that way).

Looking back on it, I really think it was just as confusing to her as it was to me. She had no idea what was going on, we both knew about the PTSD, but I think neither of us anticipated it to affect us in that way because it wasn't related to abuse or sexual abuse or anything like that, and we'd never had those sorts of problems before.

It took a lot of conversation for us to realize that sex was just going to be different than it used to be, and we'd both have to be honest with each other, whether or not our reactions seemed to be nonsensical. Also, we stopped blaming each other for poor sexual performance, and also reevaluated our goals when it came to sex (i.e., to further our closeness, express our love, instead of to achieve orgasm). I never pressed her to talk about this (pressing her has never been helpful, as she's got a lot of pride and is a little stubborn, but pressing is even less helpful now), and I don't think you should press to talk about sexual stuff at all...just wait for her to bring it up.

Anyway, this took a lot of processing to regain good sexual relations--it was hard and frustrating, especially because she had been in Iraq for six months and we talked about what it was going to be like to be with each other again, and then it was nothing like that. I know sex is a big part of a romantic relationship, but for us, we had to stop defining our love in a sexual way at all for a while, and just sort of abstain from sex until we got everything all talked out.

What I'm saying though, in terms of advice for your relationship, is maybe you're pinning too much meaning on your sexual relationship. Your gf is obviously hurt in many ways and really struggling to gain any sense of herself and her meaning, and I'm sure her history of abuse makes a sexual relationship confusing for her. My gf and I were able to continue our relationship mainly because we dearly love each other, and both believe that our lives couldn't possibly be meant to be spent with anyone else. This love is what has kept us together, not the sex. I think if you don't have that base level of deep love, it might be hard to really relate and communicate in such a way that will be beneficial to saving your relationship.

Do you feel like there is no one else for you? What is it that you like/admire/respect/love about this woman? I know on here we often vent and look for advice, so we focus on negatives and skip over the positives...but there is something about this woman that attracted you to her in the first place. What is it? Are these positive qualities enough to keep you here? Because surely she will have ups and downs throughout your relationship, and you can't stay with her out of some feeling of obligation, or because you want to "save" her.

Ok, sorry this is so long. I guess what I am saying is, sexual relationships (at least for my and my gf) have proven to be a challenge with the introduction of PTSD, and I don't really expect that to change. However, I love my girlfriend dearly, despite the PTSD and her flaws (I mean, I have flaws and issues as well, who doesn't?). Not to sound too unemotional, but do the costs outweigh the benefits? That's what I would think of, and I'd also consider a period of no sex, and not press her to talk about it. She'll process when she is ready, and pushing to talk about stuff is never good.

 

[anthony]

I'm with macpayne on this one...

 

[tryintobreathe]

Yurgh,

Good luck with what ever happens. I think you figured it out for yourself after writing everything out what you needed to do. It's not fair to you to put your life "on hold" like that. I hope she gets the help she needs.

Jen

 

[ZeroPTSD]

Though I am new here I have to agree with Anthony and Macpayne...don't run though, just walk away. If you were married I would say try as much as you can until you just can't live with it. I recommend this for mutual protection of both people...she needs to get her issues to a manageable level long enough to actually have a relationship and you are probably just looking for a girlfriend / a somewhat functioning normal relationship. If it is meant to be then that will become apparent later on.

Just my thoughts

One,

Zero

 

[Nicky31]

Hi Yurgh, Thanks for sharing your situation.I thought I might add from the female sufferer and girlfriend side of things.My own experience of the condition has been devastating on the relationship between my boyfriend and I. We'd not been together that long (5 months) before the trigger situation occured to me, but we've hung on in there. Self sabotage and pushing away have most certainly fetaured in my behaviour which because of the close proximity to my boyfriend has been noticed more by him than anyone else. Spacing out and just being distant are, as have been mentioned by other members on here, as puzzling to me as they are to my boyfriend and as they must seem to you when your girlfriend does it. I wish I could make sense of it and manage it, but I just can't and it makes me sad. We have moments of genius and open loving and then the next morning or later that day- like you say, it just goes again. I find this so frustrating. How was your relationship before the PTSD kicked in? I ask because I cling onto the hope that my relationship with my boyfriend was fun, happy, loving, supportive, equal before it all happened to me and I remind myself that the chance and hope is still there of things returning to almost normal or perhaps even better- but different one day.Id like to thank Army GF for her take on the more intimate side of relationships too as I have also found this tough but confusing. Hearing this is as real as any other part of PTSD is reassuring. I think it is important that we recognise that PTSD spans all elements of our lives and not be afraid to acknowledge the more intimate and sometimes embarassing stuff. Nic