Avoidance was the silent symptom for me. Easiest to manage, seemingly harmless. My dad is the thing I avoid, to the point that when I began therapy, I didn't even have a mental image of him anymore really, as if I'd whited him out of memory, and I've always avoided songs, foods, items, etc. that remind me of him. I called a relative recently, and he knocked on their door during the call. I spent a few hours breaking down after that.
The one image I didn't quite eradicate was his terrible hands, I was still haunted by them at certain moments, rare moments.
As I began talking about my childhood with my therapist, I mentioned him almost figuratively, tangentially. But that was April, and now it's August, and I've said many terrible things, explicit things about him. It's making me sick. Lately, I see... more of him, he pops to mind far too often, disrupts my thoughts in the worst way. I can't eat sometimes, can't sleep well, not to mention other things. The first thing I remembered was the rancid smell of him: he worked at a meat-packing plant. He came home smelling of raw pepperoni, I feel like I'll be sick even writing this. I've been a vegetarian for 22 years now. I can't stand meat, for many reasons, but it helps not to be reminded too.
Yesterday was disturbing, I remembered the sound of his voice saying my name. It makes me feel so very sick and scared, though I know much better than to need to fear him, I guess it's the memories I fear. Who knows, ha, I have PTSD, my fear always gets out of hand.
It is hard to integrate all these recollections into my life, to believe my therapist who says everything will settle at some point, to the extent that this process won't feel like such a storm on my inner landscape.
What is it like for all of you when you stop avoiding what you've been avoiding? I feel.... uncomfortable knowing how much this affects me, worry that I'm being unreasonable. And has it gotten much better for anyone? Thanks in advance.
The one image I didn't quite eradicate was his terrible hands, I was still haunted by them at certain moments, rare moments.
As I began talking about my childhood with my therapist, I mentioned him almost figuratively, tangentially. But that was April, and now it's August, and I've said many terrible things, explicit things about him. It's making me sick. Lately, I see... more of him, he pops to mind far too often, disrupts my thoughts in the worst way. I can't eat sometimes, can't sleep well, not to mention other things. The first thing I remembered was the rancid smell of him: he worked at a meat-packing plant. He came home smelling of raw pepperoni, I feel like I'll be sick even writing this. I've been a vegetarian for 22 years now. I can't stand meat, for many reasons, but it helps not to be reminded too.
Yesterday was disturbing, I remembered the sound of his voice saying my name. It makes me feel so very sick and scared, though I know much better than to need to fear him, I guess it's the memories I fear. Who knows, ha, I have PTSD, my fear always gets out of hand.
It is hard to integrate all these recollections into my life, to believe my therapist who says everything will settle at some point, to the extent that this process won't feel like such a storm on my inner landscape.
What is it like for all of you when you stop avoiding what you've been avoiding? I feel.... uncomfortable knowing how much this affects me, worry that I'm being unreasonable. And has it gotten much better for anyone? Thanks in advance.
