Storm-ridden
Bronze Member
I thought I was getting through everything and starting to get my life in order again. Starting to work through everything, work past flashbacks and work through anxiety. Also, I don't know if this post fits here or would fit better in the anxiety/panic attack forum. But, anyway, here goes.
The past week or 2 weeks or so, I've been seeming to get through the ups and downs of my life. Work is going great, I've been getting out more, my friends have actually seen me (and are thrilled that I'm slowly becoming less of a hermit- they got so tired of me creating excuses to not visit), but... I don't know. The nights are getting harder again, and sometimes the days are too. I get mini-flashbacks a lot- something (sometimes I don't even -know- what triggered it) triggers me and for a second or two I remember how his hand felt on me, I hear the voice of someone yelling at me, my system sometimes gets a shock, or I'll see for just a second, a face of one of my tormentors in my mind's eye. And then there's my anxiety, which will be fine sometimes, and then sometimes I'll be over anxious for no discernible reason. I'll start to dissociate and go into a fog and its so hard to come back. Then, of course, at some point in all this the depression kicks in and I'm pretty much useless at that point. At work, most of the time I can force it back, but at home I become a useless lump with a spine made of jello and my poor boyfriend is trying so hard to bring me back, make me smile or laugh, and I can see so much worry in his eyes too. The past couple of days have been bad. Last night was really rough. I feel weak and scared and fragile. I feel like I have no strength anymore sometimes. Feel like I can't pull myself out of it like I have in the past. So, so tired. The nightmares haven't exactly helped, either. Just don't know what to do anymore. Tired of being afraid all the time, and I don't really have the strength to keep pushing through like I have, or work on the PTSD techniques I have.
The past week or 2 weeks or so, I've been seeming to get through the ups and downs of my life. Work is going great, I've been getting out more, my friends have actually seen me (and are thrilled that I'm slowly becoming less of a hermit- they got so tired of me creating excuses to not visit), but... I don't know. The nights are getting harder again, and sometimes the days are too. I get mini-flashbacks a lot- something (sometimes I don't even -know- what triggered it) triggers me and for a second or two I remember how his hand felt on me, I hear the voice of someone yelling at me, my system sometimes gets a shock, or I'll see for just a second, a face of one of my tormentors in my mind's eye. And then there's my anxiety, which will be fine sometimes, and then sometimes I'll be over anxious for no discernible reason. I'll start to dissociate and go into a fog and its so hard to come back. Then, of course, at some point in all this the depression kicks in and I'm pretty much useless at that point. At work, most of the time I can force it back, but at home I become a useless lump with a spine made of jello and my poor boyfriend is trying so hard to bring me back, make me smile or laugh, and I can see so much worry in his eyes too. The past couple of days have been bad. Last night was really rough. I feel weak and scared and fragile. I feel like I have no strength anymore sometimes. Feel like I can't pull myself out of it like I have in the past. So, so tired. The nightmares haven't exactly helped, either. Just don't know what to do anymore. Tired of being afraid all the time, and I don't really have the strength to keep pushing through like I have, or work on the PTSD techniques I have.
