Good Morning! Abuse Began At 5 Years Old

[LavenderEeyore]

Hi! I'm Renee and new to this forum. I've been diagnosed with PTSD for a couple of years now, though my doctor thinks I've had it since the age of 5 when the abuse started. I have no desire to get into all of that; I'm ready to move on.

I have a wonderful husband and four beautiful children. I have been very blessed. My only issue is that I still live in the town where my father was arrested and sent to prison as a sex offender (he was a police officer). I don't want to be here. The triggers are like land mines here and I don't feel safe. I would like nothing more than to leave this area and start over somewhere else. However, I have a family I'd be uprooting which isn't really fair to them. My husband is also concerned that I'd be "running from my problems".

So, that's where I stand. I look forward to getting to know everyone. It's simply nice to know that I'm not alone. :smile:

Thanks!

~ Renee

 

[Llama]

Heh, my girlfriend refuses to allow me to go -back- to the town where all that happened to for me, because of the triggers etc. What does your therapist think about you moving? I often find that if I have a question about what I should do, or if anyone else in my life is questioning a decision, I can ask my therapist knowing that if it's a bad idea they'll tell me. They'll never say if I should or shouldn't, but they'll say if they believe it would be more harmful than good.

As far as uprooting your family being far to them, it's unfair to them to give them a sick mother/wife when you could be healthier elsewhere.

Welcome to the forum!

 

[LavenderEeyore]

My therapist thought it would be a good idea to move. She said that the triggers happen so often here that I keep retraumatizing myself and am not able to work on healing. My husband does know this, but has a hard time believing it, I guess. He's afraid that if we move somewhere else, that it will just follow me there and then we'd be in an unfamiliar area with no support.

Also, he has a very good job up here, and the thought of trying to get a new job in a horrible economy is frightening. I totally get that and the last thing I want to do is add more stress on my family. He said that if I could tell him I'd get better for sure somewhere else, he'd move in a heartbeat, but I can't guarantee that.

Thanks for the welcome. :smile:

 

[Llama]

I have a similar problem, my girlfriend doesn't believe that I have a valid mental health disorder. She's trying to believe it, but she's not there yet. She keeps thinking that I'm just not trying hard enough and that my symptoms should be controllable.

Maybe you should see if your husband will come to one of your therapy sessions with you? Most therapists will agree to having the spouse sit in. He might be able to understand a little more, or at least hearing some of this come from a professional will validate some of it for him.

I get the job thing, that would be incredibly tough, but you don't need to move and then find a job, he can look for a job, and when he finds one then you can move.

You need to move for your health. Your therapist is right, if you continue to re-traumatize yourself you are not going to get better. No, you can't guarantee that you will get better some where else, but you can guarantee that you won't get better where you are. Is your husband happy with the way you are right now? Look for some compromises with him. I don't know if there's a place within commuting distance to where you live, but if so that might be a valid compromise. Or the one I mentioned before, start looking for a job and when one is found then move. Maybe it doesn't even need to be that far away, so the kids can still visit their friends.

From my limited view though, it seems like you really do need to leave that place.

 

[tryintobreathe]

Renee,

Welcome to the forum. That must be VERY difficult for you living there with all of those triggers. I think there's a difference from running from your problems than lessening the triggers in your life. I lived next door to my abuser for years even after it stopped and I can't tell you how wonderful it was to leave that house and leave that town! I still have family there and I go to visit every so often, but I sure wouldn't want to live there!

Jen

 

[LavenderEeyore]

My husband has looked for a job in the past, but he loves his job here, so it's hard for him to see another job positively. He's very deeply involved his company and he has a hard time thinking about starting from the ground up again. That's not to say that he wouldn't do it for me. I know he would if I pushed. But, I just can't seem to encourage him in that direction. I have tried before and he gets very distressed. I get the "I don't want to, but if it's the only way to get you better..." and then he drags his feet in looking for another job.

Actually, my brother (who escaped the area) arranged a job interview for my husband with his company down South. My husband declined the interview saying the timing wasn't right (it being a bad economy and all). I was pretty sad. I could have lived near my brother and his family and we could have escaped this area (which my brother says was one of the best decisions of his life). My husband's resoning was that trying to sell our house, making the kids leave their school, trying to move down there with little money, ect would have been too difficult and we could have ruined our family. I don't want to ruin our family, so I let it go. He also said that the job would have been mindless and he would have been bored to tears.

I'm not upset with my husband at all. I totally understand where he's coming from. I want to do the right thing for all of us. I know first hand what it's like to live in a family where the world revolves around the most dysfuntional person. I don't want to be that for my family. My therapist told me that I have incredibly strong coping skills. I used it as a child to try and protect my mom and my brother and I want to protect my family now. I guess I just need to find a way to make it work here or hope my husband changes his mind. Recently, he has mentioned that his company might be ok with telecommuting, but that it doesn't address selling our home in a bad market.

Again, my husband isn't a bad guy. He's a software engineer, so he sees things very logically and, during my non-triggered state, I do too.

Thank you all for your support. It's really nice to know I'm not alone and there are people who understand!

 

[SwingAway]

Hi Renee!

I just wanted to start off by saying I really admire your strong desire to continue to face your experiences and your obvious empathy for the feelings of others. It is incredible that you are willing to go through additional pain in the hopes of sparing your family the difficulties associated with moving.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD twice now in my life. I am currently still struggling with my first diagnosis and what my etiology is for my original diagnosis. However, I can say conretely that with my experience of the trauma that resulted in the second diagnosis there is no way I could have functioned continuing to live where it happened to me. When I lived there I was triggered frequently and quickly developed a plethora of new ways to injure myself and unhealthy coping mechanisms. My trauma happened on my college campus at the time and I ended up having to transfer from the school completely because I could not separate the trauma from the place. Leaving the school and moving somewhere else was one of the best decisions I have made for myself in my life. I still have many problems associated with PTSD but in my experience it was healthier to find somewhere new to make my own than to try to rewrite my experiences in a place that scarred me so deeply. Healing was much easier when I was in a different place and I personally saw much greater progress in my well-being.

I understand that there is obviously a great amount of pressure for you not to move. However I can't help but think that both your husband and your children in their heart of hearts want what is best for you. I would imagine if I knew that it caused someone I love great pain to live somewhere that I would want to move too (even if that meant making life changes.)

Only you can make the decision of what is right for you in this situation, I really hope that I do not make you feel as if I am judging your decision either way and I do not mean to push you if I am. I only mean to try to tell you my experience and what I found to be effective. I just want you to know that it isn't an option that you should give up considering.

Take care,
Anne

 

[Clydiechick]

Hi

Welcome. You are very brave to live in that town, I'm sure your husband acknowledges that? Maybe if you put out to the world that it would be wonderful for you to move to a new town, a job offer for your husband will come about. I hope you can remain positive.

Take care
Clydiechick

 

[LavenderEeyore]

Thank you all for your replies. I spoke to my husband again and we have a plan in place to get away from here. So, it'll just be a matter of time. :smile:

 

[Llama]

Congratulations! That's a great accomplishment!