it’s been several years since I posted, or have been active here. I recognize some of you regulars who are still around, even though I’m likely to have been forgotten. I was never diagnosed, not through the VA, but really felt like something was wrong with me beyond just having anxiety and panic, which were the VAs diagnoses.
The VA didn’t think I met criterion A, and at lest one therapist wouldn’t consider the diagnosis because I had aphantasia, and she felt that meant I couldn’t have reemergence.
Part of why I didn’t qualify for Critereon A was that my panic attacks started in the Navy when I was shoved from behind by a chief while operating the ships diving planes. I was ordered to lower our deprh, which requires pushing the yoke in. I pulled it instead, not comprehending that I was pulling it instead of pushing. I was repeatedly ordered , louder and louder, to lower the dept and kept pulling, increasingly frustrated amd confused that it wasn’t working and the ship wasn’t diving, but pulling up. My chief shoved me from behind, pushing me into the sticks and so pushing the ship into the dive that was ordered. I had a panic attack, my first. I hyperventilated and was terrified at having been hit and at having been messed up so severely. How could I have mixed up pushing and pulling the yoke?
I’ve been flat out told that didn’t meat criterion a and disqualifies me from ptsd. But what we’re looking at in therapy outside the VA is another incident where a friend of mine was crushed by machinery while underway. He crawled inside a very large, thirty foot long hydraulic ram to clean up oil. He did this without telling anyone what he was doing. He was crushed by the ram during a routine turn. He died on a helicopter en route to a hospital.
We had the same job on the ship and stood the same watches. The ram he crawled into was one I too was responsible for maintenanibg and cleaning, and I thought about it every single time I would walk any the ram, about how it just have felt, what would have happened if I heard him scream, could I have helped? What was it like to clean up afterwards?
A few months before this incident, he got stuck in some pipes in a binge was scared. I helped him stay calm and helped pull him out. I felt like it was the same situation but I wasn’t there the second time to help him.
This is all in addition to a CSA years ago that come to realize has affected me most of my life in ways I never anticipated.
I frequently feel like I’m in danger, that someone’s going to hurt me because I’m messing up and won’t realize it. I still feel guilty about my friends death. I haven’t had the opportunity to be around similar industrial machinery or set foot on a sub, but after the next took only low end, low responsibility jobs and ignored any skills I had learned, despite technical jobs I had qualified for being much more beneficial. I couldn’t stand to do anything similar to my job, still can’t imagine doing it without feeling anxious or guilty. And the panic attacks still happen. All this happened around 2008 or 9 if I remember correctly. Hasn’t stopped.
Having talked things over with my new therapist, she’s confident I have PTSD and even said that the navy was being neglectful by not giving me the diagnosis.
Part of me is worried I just shopped around for a therapist willing to give me the diagnosis I want, but really have felt neglected by the VA as far as my trauma goes, whether or not I have PTSD.
sorry about the wall of text. Thank you for listening. Been crying and eating chocolates all day after some intensive group, but wanted to get this off my chest. Any feedback or advice would be appreciated, or even hugs.
Thanks for your time.
The VA didn’t think I met criterion A, and at lest one therapist wouldn’t consider the diagnosis because I had aphantasia, and she felt that meant I couldn’t have reemergence.
Part of why I didn’t qualify for Critereon A was that my panic attacks started in the Navy when I was shoved from behind by a chief while operating the ships diving planes. I was ordered to lower our deprh, which requires pushing the yoke in. I pulled it instead, not comprehending that I was pulling it instead of pushing. I was repeatedly ordered , louder and louder, to lower the dept and kept pulling, increasingly frustrated amd confused that it wasn’t working and the ship wasn’t diving, but pulling up. My chief shoved me from behind, pushing me into the sticks and so pushing the ship into the dive that was ordered. I had a panic attack, my first. I hyperventilated and was terrified at having been hit and at having been messed up so severely. How could I have mixed up pushing and pulling the yoke?
I’ve been flat out told that didn’t meat criterion a and disqualifies me from ptsd. But what we’re looking at in therapy outside the VA is another incident where a friend of mine was crushed by machinery while underway. He crawled inside a very large, thirty foot long hydraulic ram to clean up oil. He did this without telling anyone what he was doing. He was crushed by the ram during a routine turn. He died on a helicopter en route to a hospital.
We had the same job on the ship and stood the same watches. The ram he crawled into was one I too was responsible for maintenanibg and cleaning, and I thought about it every single time I would walk any the ram, about how it just have felt, what would have happened if I heard him scream, could I have helped? What was it like to clean up afterwards?
A few months before this incident, he got stuck in some pipes in a binge was scared. I helped him stay calm and helped pull him out. I felt like it was the same situation but I wasn’t there the second time to help him.
This is all in addition to a CSA years ago that come to realize has affected me most of my life in ways I never anticipated.
I frequently feel like I’m in danger, that someone’s going to hurt me because I’m messing up and won’t realize it. I still feel guilty about my friends death. I haven’t had the opportunity to be around similar industrial machinery or set foot on a sub, but after the next took only low end, low responsibility jobs and ignored any skills I had learned, despite technical jobs I had qualified for being much more beneficial. I couldn’t stand to do anything similar to my job, still can’t imagine doing it without feeling anxious or guilty. And the panic attacks still happen. All this happened around 2008 or 9 if I remember correctly. Hasn’t stopped.
Having talked things over with my new therapist, she’s confident I have PTSD and even said that the navy was being neglectful by not giving me the diagnosis.
Part of me is worried I just shopped around for a therapist willing to give me the diagnosis I want, but really have felt neglected by the VA as far as my trauma goes, whether or not I have PTSD.
sorry about the wall of text. Thank you for listening. Been crying and eating chocolates all day after some intensive group, but wanted to get this off my chest. Any feedback or advice would be appreciated, or even hugs.
Thanks for your time.