Grief / nothing to live for

[Teasel]

Need to reach out and say something but I'm not sure what to say. Been being hit with grief / pain over how my life has been / is / how I don't really have anything to live for.

I'm not sure but I think I tend to be more optimistic than this but I wonder if that's partially an optimism based in denial / dissociation I'm not sure.

Kind of there's a lack of meaning with there not really being any people in my life.

There's Mr.and some of the time I love him. But he's been abusive whilst drunk several times a week for nearly 20 years. I only really see him and my T now.

I seem to have lost my last friend and I'm too frightened to try to talk it out - I've tried before and I'm not sure it's gotten me anywhere.

Emotional at the moment and I'm sure it'll pass. But really I am so extraordinarily unhappy. I'm wondering I'm thinking being ok with being this unhappy and empty isn't goal I need to have.

I need people and I'm genuinely terrified of them.

Too much in my own company lately.

I could really do with talking this out with people, connecting somehow, hope someone can reply here
Thanks

 

[bellbird]

Dear @berlinda ,
You have always been so kind and supportive to me on this forum, and my heart breaks to read of the emotional pain you are in.

I wish I could find that damn magic wand and make all your pain go away, but until then please know that I am here, and I will listen to all that you need to say, and do my best to support you through this.

Because as you say, this too will pass.

I need people and I'm genuinely terrified of them.

Yes. You have summarised, so eloquently, the same struggle I have experienced many times over in my life.

What are your interests, @berlinda ?
I have found group-style settings with people who share our interests, to be the most effective way of meeting people who we can make a genuine connection with.

You are not alone.
We will sit with you through this.
Many gentle hugs to you, kind one.

 

[Teasel]

Thank you so much @bellbird ♡
Shall try and reply properly later

 

[Rani G2]

need people and I'm genuinely terrified of them.

Sorry you are going through such a hard time. I can relate to this! ?

Ps: I have said that I dont care much for other people, but thats only a part of me... Just to let u know..

 

[Wendell_R]

I'm sorry that you've hit a sad patch. I'm grateful for your presence here, and I hope this passes soon. Do you feel hit by depression of not having the energy to do anything, or is it the sadness that comes from feeling apart from people?

 

[MrMoonlight]

B, have you thought about expressing your artistic side more? Your photos are always really nice, could be your thing?
You have been a really positive and important person to me and I want you to do well. The thought of you hurting yourself or worse is not okay. Suicide is not the way out, we have options, no matter the scenario there are always better options. :hug:
Have you thought about joining local support groups (ptsd or depression or anxiety)?

???

 

[nomorefear]

Berlinda, sorry you're having a hard time. I totally understand your pain. I have been there many times. Just know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have read so many books on the brain and on depression, trying to understand this monster that wants to consume me. Probably the best one is Rethink How You Think by Dr. David Stoop. It explains how our thinking affects our moods. I also listen to New Life with Steve Arterburn online. This helps me so much, especially when it is difficult to be around other people. Listening to other peoples' voices and discussions is very therapeutic to me. I hope you will look them up.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I'm sorry you are feeling like this. I am a big list enthusiast, maybe you could start a list of things you, just you, like. It took me months and months to make this list, but then I was able to see what I liked, without input from others. I hid my list, and still have it. I'm thinking of starting a new list, because I'm a different person now. I hope you feel better, I really do, and maybe just think about the list.

 

[MrMoonlight]

I hope you are getting out a little B. Just some fresh clean air?

 

[Ronin]

Kind of there's a lack of meaning with there not really being any people in my life.

Dear Berlinda,
That is a goals list. :D Finding people you are okay with, getting out more often as possible, finding how to make that possible, baby steps learning how to do that, finding joy in socializing and where you stand on what.... and other many a thing.

That is not you being meaningless, not mattering, not meaning anything to anyone, undesirable, unwantable (could go on.) That is you being hurting, isolated, been at that for a time. (And not a fault.)

I think I tend to be more optimistic

You DO realize this is super badass, right? And shows enormous strength?
Being so on your own... and yet managing to keep everything to BE optimistic, as a basic look on life and everything.
And do it over and over again even when you have no people to reinfore that optimism. When you have people who actively take your sun off the sky and quit it shining.

I will have none of this denial/dissociation/etc words :sneaky:

& While at the concrete Why Goddamn Meaningful? You are a huge part of the reason I am eating. Words cannot spell the gratitude.

 

[Teasel]

Oh @Ronin made me cry. S'good tho
Shall come back to this, but don't want anyone to worry, have never attempted suicide and don't have any plans now either.
Thanks all ❤

 

[DharmaGirl]

have never attempted suicide and don't have any plans now either.

Very relieved to hear.