Childhood Growing Up In A Alcoholic Home

[BassBuster]

I grew up with both of my parents being alcoholics. By the time I was 6 or 7 I was helping with house hold chores not like most of my friends helped I was cooking and cleaning and doing laundry. By the time I was 12 I was writing checks to pay bills and they would sign them, at 14 I was driving to the grocery store by myself so we would have food in the house. At 16 and only two months into high school I dropped out to work and help pay bills at 17 my mother had a bowl rupture and had to have a colostomy bag so I was helping her with that and working full time and taking care of all the house hold chores as well as grocery shopping and pay the bills. I moved out at 18 and married shortly after. I was still at their beckon call if they needed anything they would call me and I would drive the 20 miles to their house to help them. At the age of 25 both of my parents passed away, first my mother from multiple organ failure I took my dad into live with me and 9 months after my mom passed he passed he was leaving my house and got out of his car to open the gate and his car ran over him and killed him in my drive way. I was not home when I was home I always opened the gate for him. They think he left his car in neutral and the air conditioner came on or off and made the car drop into drive and it ran him over. I have been told I grew up as a ( parental child) I am not sure what has caused me the most trauma growing up the way I did or my fathers death which after 20 years I still think about daily and have dreams about it and blame myself for not being there to open the gate for him. His death has seemed to affect me the most as I was not able to see him after he passed due to the condition of is body. I held my mom when she passed so I had that closure. But didn't have closure with my dads death. sorry this is so long just needed to get it out next month is 20 years that my dad passed and each year when it rolls around I go thru many emotions and I can't sleep I tend to stay to myself don't want to go out don't want to be around people. No one seems to understand why I am the way I am. They say get over it or just let it go but I can't seem to get over it or let it go or move past it. I have been married 3 times and divorced twice and on the brink of the third, I suck at relationships as well as dealing with my issues.

 

[joeylittle]

I suck at relationships as well as dealing with my issues.

Writing this post is a big step in the right direction towards dealing with the issues.

I can't even imagine growing up as you did. And for what its worth, I can understand how there would be a lot of unresolved feelings about your Dad's death - after all, you really were his parent. So you have grief as his child and grief as his parent. I know you must know somewhere in yourself that it wasn't your fault, not being there to open the gate. But knowing that doesn't equal believing it.

I hope you are reaching out for some help with this stuff. Are you in therapy?

 

[Lionheart]

I grew up in an alcoholic home except that I only had one parent who was alcoholic, still It was challenging and I can't really imagine the hell you must have gone through in taking care of both of your parents.

I developed alcoholism and went to Alcoholics Anonymous to get sober and also I went to ACOA meetings (adult children of alcoholics) as well as working with a a trained trauma specialist.

This really helped me a lot (although it took time). I hope you will continue to reach out for help here and with a therapist, as I believe you deserve to get the help that you need to heal yourself and your relationships.

Best wishes,
Lion

 

[BassBuster]

Writing this post is a big step in the right direction towards dealing with the issues.

I can't even...

No not in therapy I went once and that's the person who said I was what is called a parental child. I don't have insurance and its expensive so I just deal with it. Sites like this help alot

 

[BassBuster]

I grew up in an alcoholic home except that I only had one parent who was alcoholic, still It was cha...

I went to a group similiar it was called Alonon but was for adult children of alcoholics also. I went when they were still alive and the group basically told me I should just forget they were alive and of course that wasn't gonna work for me. So I stopped going. One of the hardest things is my dad told me about a month before he passed there were some things he wanted to tell me and he never got to tell me what ever it was. since my Uncle has told me that my mom wanted him to adopt me when I was around 2 or 3 but they already had 4 kids and didn't think they could handle another. I don't know why and I have heard this from more than one person over the years and I don't think they would lie about something like that at the same time I don;t know why they told me after they passed away. I have so many unanswered questions thats the hardest part. And I will never know why or if my dad new she asked them to take me etc.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm so sorry @BassBuster . :( I know the terrible sorrow & anxiety I experience in it, & other things as well. :(

If it's any consolation (if not ignore), though not easy, I think of Rilke's quote "One day we will know the questions & the answers".

After being at Al Anon I took out of it (much of what I realized already) that it's an illness/ not intentional, & that we do not of course have the knowledge to know where & whom & what a person needs to go through to end up where & with whom they need to be. And to try to conduct our actions/ reactions/ behaviours (through better or greater understanding) in such a way it may help the other person. I guess & fundamentally too to not get 'get sucked down the drain by the alcoholism' (read, not 'alcoholic'). And pointers/ truisms such as we love someone we can't trust. Etc. And work on where we fail, to our loved one but also everywhere or with anyone else. And support one another when we're terrified, etc.

But I know, it's hard to see it as 'hopeful' when the end is tragic. Every day I fear my sister will die. Sometimes I simply can't stand the verbal abuse or hours of screaming. But actually what is the worst is because drunk it's like dementia/ Alzheimer disease: constant repetition, etc. It is very lonely. But most of all I think it totally breaks & has broken my heart. Though I think of many things at once there's rarely a minute in the day my brain isn't thinking of her/ it at some level. The saying of "We didn't cause it, we can't control it, we can't cure it", though true, does little to alleviate the heartbreak & fear I have. I never know each day if I will come home to or wke up to my 'normal' sister, fighting or rage at the drop of a hat, or find her dead.

 

[BassBuster]

I'm so sorry @BassBuster . :( I know the terrible sorrow & anxiety I experience in it,...

Sorry you have to go thru that. Both of my older brothers are also alcoholics as of now they still work and function. I understand somewhat about the not knowing what you will come home or wake up too. When my phone rings I automatically tense up in fear its gonna be a death notification. I live one county away from them and wait for that call to say they passed in a car crash or they hemerraged and bleed to death etc. I get that part I feel like since my mom passed I have become their parent they call me for everything if they have a cold if they need money etc what ever it is they call me. It;s hard I feel like I never had a childhood and now I am like a parent to two teenage boys who are actually 50 and 51 years old to my 45. So I get that not knowing whats next feeling. Again so sorry to hear about your sister. Hope things get better for you.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you so much Dear @BassBuster . My sis too is a functional alcoholic (though it's not my right to use that word, just for fast typing). I was told 10 years ago she would likely be dead within 6 years.

What I try to do at those moments is say "God give me the strength to keep my head & know what to do when I find out (see/ the phone call), & to be able to bear it". (ETA, And try to take a deep breath.)

Thank you for your kindness. :hug: