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Growing Up in a Broken Home: Overcoming Abuse and Trauma

bluebird230

New Here
Okay so,i was born into a broken home as cliche as that sounds.
Left me with more scars than anything.
My dad was abusive to my mom from as young as i can remember.
Ive seen stuff,ive seen my dad abuse my mom mentally and fhysically.
I cant remember how old i was but i rememeber my dad sat at the dinner table eating a steak,(he wasnt great at chewing) and he choked,like full out choked,i went into hiding under my bed,and i heard it,i knew what was happening,and as bad as it is to admit i remember thinking to myself that this may be my moms chance to get out.
But she saved him.
LEt it be known i was my dads child i was very close to him.
To think i thought this may be my moms chance out of this ,our chance.
When she was pregnant with me he also abused her,she had attempted suicide while pregnant with me.
My dad had locked her outside while she was pregnant with my sister,kept throwing water on her during the night and morning,let her in before he went to work,she came to cudle me in bed to get warm.
(My dad was truelly a monster.)
Eventually around 10 or 11 they devorced,and we were living with my grandparents,my sister was born(they had decided that trying for a 2nd child would fix everything).
My sister has never met her dad.
wel a while later we lived on our own.
Well..my mom started changing into my dad,started getting mentally abusive towards me,saying things like im useless,she hates me,wishes that i lived with my dad so that he could do all these horrible things to me ect..
I started getting depressed,my first cutting exsperience was around gr 5.
Went to highschool and struggled,flunked a bunch of times,i had severe ptsd,anxiety attacks and severe deppression along with being shy,timid and i hid it all.
With living with the abuse from my mom things just got worse.
I acted out allot.
My suicide attemps started with swallowing a poison plant,drowning myself,i cut through my arm,drank cleaning liqueds(somehow did not work),even tried to hang myself.
I hid the marks around my neck,my mom saw it,made a joke about oh you tried to hang yourself.
She litterally knew.
as i was acting out she denied everythjng i was going through and said i was chasing attention(no one knew).
she saw my marks and told me to cover up so that no kne sees.
Eventually i refused to go to school in the mornings,so much so that i missed months of school,school got my mom and me in to say that she could get into trouble if i didnt start attending as i was a minor and needed education.
So i went.
I then started with bullimia and anorexia,its actually funny that my mom knew about it stated that i should stop as it was embaressing for her if people had to find out.
And i was wasting food.
I then started cutting more,my mom and grandparents decided on an intervention,as i was sitting in their living room in tears not knowing what was happening ,my grandad told everyone to get out,as my grandma and mom fought to get me to speak.,he asked me what was up,if i misses my dad?and so i said no..said i learned in school about depression which i believe i had (had a previous suicide attemp)on my left arm,about 4deep cuts and 1ciurcling around my arm.
Still fresh i lifted up my jacked to show him.
He just went silent.
I know it broke him,and it still breaks me till today.
They were the ones to get me to therapy,but as i told her some of the things she kept on telling my grandma when j thought it was confidential.
So i decided to leave,went on pills,that completely messed me up,would sleep and got super aggresive toward anyone when awake.
My mom withdrew the pills after 3weeks.
Found them in her handbad after she said they were done.
Thats just some of it.
My mom was my problem,and i never told anyone,im 27now and i still havent.
I got through all that bymyself.
And i like to mention my mom physically asaulted me multiple times,threw me to the ground ,kicking me.
Grabing me by my shirt,throwing me out the bed,and out our front door at 6in the morning on nothing but a shirt.
I never minded the physical abuse as they heal but the mental ones still stick.
I went through life alone to be honest.
I never learned allot of things,i used to avoid people in reason of this.
Im not really close to my familly due to this.
My mom still strugles with mental issues which i understand ,she went through shit for 12years i get it.
Im just tired of having to constantly fight through these problems,i feel like it never goes away.
I Have a fiance and a 4year old.
And after he was born ,wverything came crashing down as i then started realizing allot of things i was supposed to have learned from my parents i never did.
and i tried my best with my child,but still till today i feel like i havent dones enough.
Im not the parent he deserves,and along with that i feel like i cant talk to my fiance about anything as he doesnt really speak about his feelings.

and im feeling super down,super depressed,and feel like its too much.

I Just want to live happilly not fight through the problems i did not ask for.
 
I Just want to live happilly not fight through the problems i did not ask for.
So you’ve got a great imagination! Not a bad thing.

The problems we ACTUALLY ask for? Aren’t actually any easier. As it’s your f*cking own fault, in addition to being a problem.

You have problems that aren’t your fault? Take the win, and dig deep. It sucks, but could also be worse, and be your own fault. Instead of someone else’s mistakes, or general f*cked upped ness.
 
That’s a lot to have grown up with. Sorry things are so hard right now.

i cant talk to my fiance about anything as he doesnt really speak about his feelings.
Maybe it’s okay to talk to him about your feelings, though? Just because it isn’t something that comes naturally to him, doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to help.

Do you have anyone else you can talk to? Have you been diagnosed with ptsd or depression?
 
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