Relationship Hang In There Or Heal Alone

[cameronz]

After a truly wonderful 6 month relationship, the amazing, caring man I was dating abruptly told me that he could not be in a relationship. I was stunned, and it was only in the aftermath (which was tearful and difficult for both of us) that he told me he has PTSD. He had told me previously that he was in therapy for panic and anxiety (both of which I saw), but I did not know any more than that.

A particular incident triggered the breakup (the details don't matter), but he told me that it made him realize he cannot be in a relationship now, not just because of the incident, but because his anxiety and panic are spiralling and he just can't handle it. I told him I wanted to stay by his side and support him, but he says he feels sure he cannot be in a relationship any more.

He asked if we can be "just friends" and has been texting me since telling me how much he is grieving and how much he wants to be friends. My heart is broken. The perhaps selfish truth is that I want him to change his mind. I don't want to be just friends, and from the tone of his texts, I don't think he really wants that either. (I also realize it is arrogant for me to think that -- but that's the reality and I am admitting it here. I would never say it to him.) What is best? If not for the PTSD, I would just stay away and heal. Do I need to figure out how to stop missing him, or should I be his friend and take each day as it comes? (Glad to have found this forum -- I had no idea that this is a typical PTSD behaviour.)

 

[trace101]

Hi. Funny, I am in the opposite postion as you. Just to put in my 2 cents, I will tell you this...

First of all, I have been dating my boyfriend of 1 year now. He lives with me. One of the nicest guys you'd ever meet...just not too sharp, which tends to really stress me out to the hilt. Anyway, So I am the PTSD victim in the relationship and I tell my BF all the time that in order for me to be in a relationship, I have to be healthy enough myself first. A relationship is work, but if you are already trying to work on your OWN issues, it makes it extremely difficult to put effort into a relationship as well.

I get what you're saying about wanting to be by his side, but that probably would eventually come after he see's how you are standing by his side first as a friend. I believe, people w PTSD are very nervous to begin with, we are a bit cautious as to who we allow in....and we need to gain your trust. This is just my own take on it...but at the same time, we also try to put on a strong front where as inside, we are falling apart. I've taken that your BF may feel that this "weakness' he may not want you to see...especially being the "male" in the relationship. I would suggest you be there for him, and if you truly care about him, you need to put him first...at least for a little while. And be his friend, then see where it goes...give it a few weeks at least. Good luck!

 

[scottygirl]

Hiya, Cameronz & trace101, I have just been dumped by my US fiance too. He was over here in UK for 3 weeks and went home last week. The next day I received a mail saying he couldnt be in a relationship any more. He was in the Navy and retired early through injuries and now unable to work. I have always stood by him, even when he was finally diagnosed with ptsd, I went to the councillor with him and learned a lot about ignoring the mood swings etc. We have had our ups and downs, things like him saying "why do you want to be with a cripple, Im no good for anyone" yet we have always got through these things. I have spent as much time as possible over in US, and infact we have been waiting now 8 months for my K1 visa to hopefully get approved. This has totally devastated me, as he has only texed and mailed me a few times...............we always Skyped, called every day....now nothing. I dont know where to begin with this, my whole life seems shattered right now :(

 

[jstme]

Its really good to be reading this.. I had been feeling close to someone but then got really scared when things got closer than expected. ironically however, they told me that they though things were going to fast literally at the same meetup that I had planned to say it. I'm not sure I would have since I've had a tendency to stay in situations even after knowing that its bad for me. This I feel is in some way related to why I now cant let anybody in. We're still friends, and seemingly will be for quite a while.

 

[scottygirl]

That's what my fiance seemed to do sometimes, it was his idea in the first place for me to move to US but after the application went in he said things were moving too fast and he was scared.

I backed down a bit and the relationship continued fine, apart from flashbacks & trigger points due to his accident. I had remained patient as I wanted everything to work then suddenly this !! Like I mentioned we spoke every day then nothing (almost).........I cant find out how he feels as he avoids answering questions in my mail, as if I haven't even asked anything, and yes I have may questions.........sometimes I wish he had never proposed to me.

He has been my life for the past 2 years. I don't know how he can cut me off like this.....to me its like someone has died. I have been some bad relationships myself so I too was scared to let anyone break the brick wall down with me but when I met him all that fear went away

 

[Abandoned]

Read my thread!!! Broken hearted and helpless

 

[Bilby]

As hard as it is (when you care so deeply for someone), I'd be respectful of what it is he has said to you, and leave well enough alone for now.

It's one thing for him to initiate some contact with you, and if you're ok with that, then feel free to respond to that. But considering he ended the relationship, I'd be reluctant to initiate any contact with him yourself and give him the space that he needs so that he can pursue whatever treatment he needs for himself at the moment - whatever form that may take.

In the meantime, make sure you look after yourself, and try to get on with doing things that you enjoy.

I know that all of this is far easier said than done, and only you can make the right decision for you at the end of the day. I just know that 'pushing' communication isn't really a flash idea....

All the best,

B x