Hard Conversations With Mom

[Orglethorp]

I feel like most of my posts these days revolve around my mother and my boyfriend, but really that's what's up in my life. For anyone who hasn't read my stuff or needs a refresher, I'm 25 years old, and last year I moved across the country for school. I literally uprooted myself to start over again. I left everyone I've ever known, I left the degree I'd been working on part time for 6 years and was almost finished, and I left a solid job that I'd held for years. I got to a point where I felt like I had grown and healed as much as I was ever going to staying at home in BC, and that there were issues about staying in BC that were holding me back. There are a lot of people in BC who have hurt me, or failed to be there for me, or who got lost somewhere along this PTSD war path. My abuser is still free in BC. The best school I could have chosen to restart at, the best jobs I could have taken, etc. are all places I've been before and left during the darkest times of my life, and I don't feel like going back would work out. It would be a reminder of darker times, and not being able to truly have a "do over" would be a disappointment. So, I picked myself up and moved to Newfoundland.

Shortly after moving out here, feeling homesick and being a little shocked by my first local winter, I proclaimed to my mother over the phone that I would not be staying here permanently. I didn't know what province I'd end up in, but it wasn't going to be here. She took that to mean that once I graduate, I'm coming home.

The more I see this place, and the more wonderful people I meet, the more I fall in love with this place. It's been nearly a year and a half now, and now I'm not so sure I'll ever leave. I've also gone and fallen in love with a local man whose family has lived in the same little area for so many generations that he doesn't actually know when his family got here. He's not leaving. He'd like to see the rest of the country, but he's not leaving forever.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm deciding my future based on a year and a bit of adventures and a still new relationship, but I'm starting to feel like this is where I want to be long term. I still have PTSD. I'll always have PTSD. But here, I get to be me first. Nobody on this island knew me before age 24. No one has ever seen me break down. There are no places I can go here, no situations to put myself in, and no people to interact with who would serve as reminders of my past. There's just this new life, and new circle of loved ones.

Every once in a while I do miss BC, and I do miss some of my family members, but the truth is there there are only 2 people in BC who I'll always miss who aren't at the end of their lives. Most of the people I truly care about and miss are in their mid 80s or older. As much as I love and care about these people, they're not going to be there in 10 years. My mother and sister aren't enough to keep me there.

How do I say all of this to Mom? How do you tell your mother that you don't want to come home? How do I tell her that this is home?

 

[rainy_daze]

I guess with your mother all you can do is be honest with her, tell her when you've thought about what you're going to say (to explain that you feel content where you are, even though you do miss her and your sister, and others) and tell her at your own pace. I'm not saying it will be easy or anything, but I suppose you would have to tell her at some point. Those are the only answers I have to your questions though.

It sounds like where you've moved to is the best place for you right now, with lots of positives. Although I know you're finding this part of moving away from family difficult (having to tell them you're probably not moving back to them), I was happy to read your post. It's nice to read you're doing well with a change of place. Congrats on finding a healing place Orgle :):tup:.

 

[franciemarnie]

It's so wonderful and inspiring that you have followed your heart and found this new home. It wouldn't be lying to say to your mom that this is your home for now, or the foreseeable future if you wanted to soften the wording. It's also true in ten years you might want to move to...I don't know...Paris or Peru. You never know where life will take you. I kept thinking I knew what forever was for me, and forever changed sometimes.

Anyway, just saying it wouldn't be dishonest to say that this is your home for now and for the foreseeable future, if you wanted to soften your response.

 

[nursenurse]

You say exactly what you have written here. If my daughter were to write me something like this, I would say it would be difficult for me to let go. But to let go is what all of us parents are meant to do. I want to see you fly, I would want you to have adventure, I would want you to see the world, but most importantly, I would want you to be happy. And if being happy means possibly the love of your life, whether it be where you live, or the man who calls you his own, or both, then I would say, I am happy for you. And I would say I am lucky and blessed to have such a brave daughter who is willing to go out in the world and make her own life. But as my daughter, I would hope you would have a little pull out couch for me so I could visit, because I have never been to Newfoundland, and I would like to kiss a cod. Sure would beat the men in my life thus far. That is what I would say to my daughter, and to you :)

 

[Barconian]

My daughter has moved away from her family, to another state and has been moving back and forth since she was 16. When she was younger, I helped. Now that she is 20, Emma is quite capable of doing it herself! Emma's mother is very needy and has always made Emm be the parent since she was very young and still today harps at Emma to come home. When she tells me she wants to try somewhere else, I tell her to go, as where she came from isn't a good place for her.

When Emma goes away, she grows... When she comes home, Emma becomes unhappy and distressed. I want the best for my daughter and if that means she needs to be away from here, she has my blessing and she tells her mum that she is staying away for herself and makes her mother understand what she needs to do.

It is your life, Orglethorp, you are an adult and you do what is best for you, no-one else :)

 

[digger]

You know what I was thinking reading through your post, 'Wow! I hope my son comes to me one day and says I'm really happy and I think I've found where I want to be'. I don't mind where that is for him. If it's close to me that would be great, but I bloody well hope he goes out into the world and checks out what other places have to offer him too first. And if he doesn't, I may have to prod him slightly in that direction ;)

To your situation, I do have empathy too though, as my mother never 'got it' either. I just got on and did it anyway. Incidentally we do actually live very close to each other again now, but neither of us is in the place (geographically) we were when I left home.

You're an adult now and this is your life. You don't have to live it just to suit other people. I think it's really great that you made the decision to start over and that you've made it work for you and I hope your mum can be proud of you for doing that too.

 

[nursenurse]

Lol, I was over 50, and my Ma still did not get it. "When are you going to come home and get a real job?" Huh? So I had to explain for the umpteenth time why this my real job. I don't have any of the compelling reasons you do beyond that this job makes me happy, and it is where I belong. Just tell her factually in a non accusing way. You really owe no explanations to anyone. But I would say that you being happy is a pretty darned good one. If she tries to make it all about her, well, don't fall into that trap. She can choose to be happy for you or not. You must live your life. Simple as that. Good luck.

 

[DMerish]

Hi Orglethorp,

I think it's great that you moved, decided to start a new life, and that you're happy. I'm happy for you!!! And I think most moms with a healthy self, overall want their children to be happy doing and being where ever it is their child feels most comfortable.

How do I say all of this to Mom? How do you tell your mother that you don't want to come home? How do I tell her that this is home?

You don't have to - unless she asks you. If she ask, then you do it very gently, being honest, letting her know you're not sure whether you would ever move back because you're liking your new life so much where you are now. Simple honesty delivered gently. If you can do that it will allow her get used to the idea that your moving back to BC might not happen. Then, when you firmly know for sure where you're going to live, the news won't be like a bomb.

Despite really liking Newfoundland and having a great boyfriend :) your future is still up in the air. The fact is, you don't know what the rest of your life will look like. If I recall correctly, you're finishing up school - what happens after that is uncertain. So, keep an open mind, and gently guide your mom to do the same about the possibility of your not returning to BC.

You're young. In time, the big decisions about who you'll marry, where you'll work and where you want to live permanently will unfold. But you're not there yet. If you do get a fabulous job offer (anywhere) or your boyfriend asks you to marry, etc. then that's when you'd share the good news with her and broach the subject directly.

My children all moved away in their twenties. Two of them moved out of the country. One married someone from a different country, settled, bought property, etc. Loved their lives, being away. But by thirty they were all back in their old home town. It seems doubtful that you'd move back to BC (and I wouldn't suggest it) - I'm just saying your life could still change a lot before it's settled.

Drew :hug:

 

[Britt.f7]

I left home when I was 18. I moved out of town when I was 20 and I've never looked back. My hometown just isn't a place I want to be associated with. Funny thing is, my mom ended up moving closer to where I lived and never moved back. Part of me was, at the time, moving away from her. She didn't do it right away, it was years later, after I got married. Our relationship improved.

Now I am of the age where soon my son will be leaving, he turns 18 soon and graduates from high school. He is welcome to live here while going to college, but he is talking about going out of state. I have resigned myself to the fact that he will no longer be here if he does indeed move away. I will miss him greatly, but, like others said, it's time for him to grow and move on. I would want him to do what makes him happy. If not living here is what makes him happy, then I accept that. This doesn't mean I won't be sad. I will, but I will also be happy for him.

Tell your mom like you told us. That you don't see yourself going back. It's okay.