I have no problem giving compliments, I enjoy the richness of others and appreciate their successes and especially the achievements I see my in children. My Son and Daughter IL as parents is awe inspiring as well as my brother, whom at this point I cannot have a relationship with but it does not negate the fact I find him to be the father we never had. He is fully engaged and protective with a wife who is the same. Their children are wonderful. So I am fortunate enough to see these wonderful changes in my own family, a far cry from our upbringing, quite possibly due to it.
I have always had extremely intelligent friends with gifts that I always admired, our distance now is in large part due to my struggling with my PTSD breakdown and not being able to connect anymore to those that are still alive, also due to my complete isolation. I am not the same person, the mask is off.
My tdocs and husband try to give me compliments but honestly, it feels physically painful...starting with my skin burning, then my gut cramping..I cannot take it in. I hear the hypocrisy in my head of all the things wrong with that statement.
Oddly, when I sought my abusers compliments I really needed them but just as soon as I got them it would be a waiting game I denied would happened until they all came undone by betrayal. Now I just beat myself up for having not realized that game.
I am trying to understand that all the respect and admiration I feel for those whose accomplishments mean something to me are just as human as I am, their flaws are being dealt with or were or will be just as mine are...it doesn't change what I admire about them, what makes them WHO they are.
(I hope I'm making sense...I'm trying to figure this stuff out all over again myself)
I have always had extremely intelligent friends with gifts that I always admired, our distance now is in large part due to my struggling with my PTSD breakdown and not being able to connect anymore to those that are still alive, also due to my complete isolation. I am not the same person, the mask is off.
My tdocs and husband try to give me compliments but honestly, it feels physically painful...starting with my skin burning, then my gut cramping..I cannot take it in. I hear the hypocrisy in my head of all the things wrong with that statement.
Oddly, when I sought my abusers compliments I really needed them but just as soon as I got them it would be a waiting game I denied would happened until they all came undone by betrayal. Now I just beat myself up for having not realized that game.
I am trying to understand that all the respect and admiration I feel for those whose accomplishments mean something to me are just as human as I am, their flaws are being dealt with or were or will be just as mine are...it doesn't change what I admire about them, what makes them WHO they are.
(I hope I'm making sense...I'm trying to figure this stuff out all over again myself)
