Hate Being Insecure. Devastated To Be Called Psycho By Husband.

[S Abeyta]

i don't know how this site works but i need to find out if anyone has been called psycho by spouse for uncontrollable anxiety/insecurity when spouse is "displeased" about something?
My daughter was horrifically injured by my ex in a fit of rage for the then-3-year-old interrupting him being unfaithful... and years later i am married to an amazing man but he cannot stand my insecurity. Please help. Advice needed!

 

[Fadeaway]

That is verbally abusive. You question is hard to answer though, it seems like you have underlying questions you want to ask. Your question may not turn up any results, because some people throw that word around alot and mean nothing by it, for others it is a huge deal.

 

[S Abeyta]

That is verbally abusive. You question is hard to answer though, it seems like you have underlying ques...

He doesn't realize how extreme the impact is in the opposite direction of the progress he thinks "toughening me up" or "saying it like it is" will make.

He is a former Marine, and I come from a Marine Corps family, myself, but the difference between help and hindrance is no longer clear.

 

[Fadeaway]

Yeah, with trauma, that is devastating, can you explain to him that with PTSD there are structural changes in the brain that prevent you from "toughening up" so to speak? Does he understand about the Fight, flight and freeze responses?

 

[The Albatross]

Sounds like your marine needs some guidance on communication. My mister did as well and yeah, I'd been called psycho earlier on in marriage. It elicited some unpleasant consequences and we had to get guidance on conflict resolution and communication.

 

[Rumors]

Just my take but it sounds as if you are looking for him to validate your experience by letting you know that he sees your struggle with anxiety and insecurity based on your history. Instead he is basically telling you to "get over it" and that feels like he is dismissing what you feel. He may be a great guy but this one he has wrong. You can't "toughen up" anxiety or insecurity. Trust me, if toughen up made it go away I would be the most secure woman on Earth. I don't know what fixes that but he needs to start with listening to you and understanding that he can contribute to the anxiety or he can help make a positive change and make it go away forever. If he wants to ask you if what you are feeling is rational or ask you if you are feeling anxiety or tell you exactly where he is coming from a place of love then I think he will be a valuable partner. If he wants to continue calling you names in order to change your behavior he needs to understand that he is only making it worse. I am sure he doesn't mean to be, but he is feeding the wrong wolf. He needs to feed the side of you that is loving and kind not the insecure anxiety side.
My husband likes to call me a bitch when he is mad bc he knows I will shut up and walk away. I walk away bc I immediately turn into a 5 yr old watching my parents fight and I freeze and can't help. I am working really hard in therapy to find my words and not be that helpless 5 yr old. As well, I am TRYING to have compassion for myself and give myself the space to learn that not all men use negative words, or their fist, to settle disputes. I look forward to the day when my husband decides he wants to fight dirty, it won't turn my world upside down. It will happen one day bc I am going to work my butt off to get there. I want to be able to look him dead in the eye when he does that, smile and walk away instead of bury my head in my hands and never make eye contact with him while tucking my tail and walking away like a whipped puppy.
I guess my point is, you really need to communicate to your guy what his words mean to you when he calls you psycho. He needs to understand that it doesn't make you toughen up but instead he makes you feel..... **fill in the blank**...... And, if he can't do that you need to find a way to do it for yourself bc you don't want to wake up one morning and half your life is gone and you have forgotten who you are and are lost..... Sorry... I don't mean to dramatize it but it feels like I walked that road not too long ago and it involves a lot of self loathing for not changing things sooner.
Best wishes.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes that ^^ @Rumors . .

 

[shimmerz]

Yes, while my ex had an 'agenda' he called me psycho all of the time. It was a means to an end for him. Luckily I had friends who had known me for decades and attested to the fact that I was not psycho or mental or crazy or whatever controlling piece of kak word one wants to use.

Sometimes after a horribly physically abusive marriage we get ourselves into a relationship that is no longer physical. Abuse isn't just a physical act though. The word psycho is no different than a punch in the head. Except the bruises don't go away with words. And if he calls you psycho? What will he call your daughter when she is a 'problem'?

I would suggest going to a women's counseling or outreach organization so that you can get some guidance. I would suggest that your statement that he is a really 'great guy' would be challenged while speaking with counselors who know what abuse is.