Eleanor
Diamond Member
So, I managed to pull off a very nice birthday party for my five year old last week. Bounce house, balloons, etc. Husband picked up the balloons but otherwise it was all my effort. My folks came for the birthday, and were helpful at the party, but are a big stress for the husband. He mostly stayed away, which is good because he doesn't get along with my dad, and tends to just be pissed about him. Anyway, no episodes while they were here and the visiti went pretty well. I had contingency plans, and worried about him getting triggered the whole time. So I was EXHAUSTED by the end (as if I wasn't at the start!) and so we decided not to try to do anything big for Thanksgiving.
Daughter and I have been staying at one of the houses we are renovating in town, and Husband has been staying (mostly) at our house out in the country. My daughter really wanted to go home for a few days, so we went. We had four days - which I thought might be too much. Oh how right I am. So we got here Thurs afternoon, and everything was mostly ok. Then friday, he was apparently ok in the AM but edgy. Realized that the clutter in the house was triggering him - (NO DUH - I have been begging him for years to help me clear out the house as I have ADD and it is both overwhelming and exhausting and debilitating to me to have it like this. He has not been helpful dealing with this.) SO he was edgy, but seemed to be dealing with it. We made some progress on the living room. It was not how I hoped to spend the day (cleaning) but, the result was nice. Even so, he got more and more resentful and snippy as the day went on. I didn't respond, just ignored his attitude, was pleasant and let him do his own thing. But it was hard. In the morning (Sat) he got up and looked like hell, not too surprising since he had been up all night being angry at me for "not helping". As he explained it "I was angry at you for not doing a list of chores I had not told you about, because I was worried about cooking a turkey and getting ready for a bunch of guests who were not coming." This is a pattern from his evil ex-wife.
During the night he also had at least one nightmare about someone kidnapping our daughter. His first wife kidnapped his oldest daughter when she was three or four. Social services where she was called him and he went and retrieved her - and first wife never came back to our state (as she had a kidnapping warrant out for her arrest) and so he got defacto full custody. So I was thinking "wow, dodged that bullet! We handled that well, no big blow up, just some tension." Plus now we know cooking a turkey is a trigger (not really, just the whole idea of a holiday...not sure that's better.) I asked him when she got kidnapped - he can't remember. Also asked him what holidays were like for him as a kid - also no memory. So likely a lot of trauma there. He just kept repeating "I was mad at you for not doing things I hadn't told you about, for people who weren't coming." I know it it important for him to process and realize that his emotional reactions had no connection to what was actually happening - and I did pretty well at focusing on him. I felt so badly that he had had such an awful night. I was, in retrospect, waiting for an apology, and he didn't offer one. (maybe in his head - but not out loud.)
He was exhausted from all this, so I went and talked to the lady who wants to lease one of our horses, and daughter and I spent some time doing that. Then we came back, daughter played in the house . We needed something from the feed store - he was taking a LONG bath - so the two of them stayed home while I ran the errand. Then daughter and I took one of the dogs for a walk. I had thought earlier in the day: We should go back to the other house today. He at one point said - lets just priceline a room and go to the beach for an overnight. I got overwhelmed by the logistics - and nixed the idea. Wrong wrong wrong.
He had asked me a day or two ago to help him write up a thing for his work. I do this a fair amount for him, no big deal. He said he was going to go down and feed our horses, but first play with our daughter a bit. Cool. I was working on the computer - some just checking email - but also his therapist, whom he likes alot and thinks is very smart, wants to do EMDR rather than prolonged exposure - so I wanted to do some more reading on both. So I started doing some research. He abruptly stops the game with the little girl and comes in and says "I thought you were going to help me write that thing" with a lot of angry tone. Then he starts lecturing me about good communication, and that it is my fault he is angry because he has asked me "five times today" to help him. I got mad, but said I would come help and - here was my big mistake - started to unload about how anxious I am about my work (five weeks behind on grading - basically since his last huge episode) and he fumes about how "I'm not keeping you from doing your work - you weren't even doing it!". So I managed to hit two triggers, anger and guilt. And then we are off to the races "Never mind, I can do it myself." and TONS of resentment. I go in to try to do it - just more resentment. So now he is in an episode and there is no talking to him. Plus he is throwing all this "communication" stuff at me (and doing none of it, so it just makes ME madder.)
I am ready to run. But abandonment is a HUGE trigger for him. And the little girl (who hasn't been home for weeks) really wants to stay another night. So I find an errand to do - which he thinks is stupid - but I'm not feeling strong enough to not fight. I figure that gets me out of the house and we will stick to the plan. I explained this to him, "I know you are thinking I am stupid, childish and emotional. And I would like to leave and go back to town now, but we agreed that I wouldn't leave while you are having an episode - so we will stay here as planned, but I am going to the store." So I take my daughter and we go off on a stupid shopping trip at 5:30. We get back at 8:30 and he is still pissed. I ask him: what did I say that lead you to believe that I was unwilling to help you? He says "you didn't respond when I asked you." Boiling off resentment at me. So much for the evidence approach. There was one more interchange and he goes back into the bedroom to sulk. I had to talk to myself out loud to keep from going back and engaging more. It worked, I stayed out in the living room with daughter and wound down for bed.
I got to sleep - for six hours - and am now up trying not to sink into my own pool of anger and resentment. I am so tired and alone. I am hating not having a Thanksgiving.
We will head out as early as I can manage in the AM. I am so sad, and angry (don't I get to have a nice life? Can't I get some slack cut for being tired and reactive? When it is my turn for someone to care for me for a while? I am, most days, a single mom. I did not sigh up for this. I want my actual husband back... full time! ) When do I get to rest or have some downtime? I had a Wed "free" because my job was off, and daughter's daycare was in - but husband was home for a chunk of the AM which is good because we talked and spent some time together - which we don't get much of being apart most of the time - but I resented it because I had to be out of the house (to be by myself) and didn't get a whole "Me" day. And I feel guilty for not wanting to spend it with him. The whole thing just sucks.
This is not what I had in mind when I got married. I love my husband, I don't want to leave him. I don't want him to suffer. And I am not sure I can last long enough for him to work through forty years of abuse from parents and ex-spouse. I am feeling so vulnerable. I remember this from my first marriage - when I started feeling like it would just be nice to have a man be nice to me. To feel safe and cared for for a while. To not feel like I was just on my own. I just shut down then, put my head down and tried (for years until it became apparent I was trying to fix the unfixable) to soldier on. I SO didn't want to do anything remotely like that again - and yet... here I am, with soldiering on the best of some horribly bad options. I don't know how I am going to get my work (which requires brain) done in the next two weeks. I just want to give all my students A's and B's (most of which they would get anyhow) and be done. I am terribly behind. Oh, shit, I have a homework assignment that is not posted. guess I'd better do that now.... Sorry for the long rant. Just needed to vent I guess. I forgot what the point was....
Daughter and I have been staying at one of the houses we are renovating in town, and Husband has been staying (mostly) at our house out in the country. My daughter really wanted to go home for a few days, so we went. We had four days - which I thought might be too much. Oh how right I am. So we got here Thurs afternoon, and everything was mostly ok. Then friday, he was apparently ok in the AM but edgy. Realized that the clutter in the house was triggering him - (NO DUH - I have been begging him for years to help me clear out the house as I have ADD and it is both overwhelming and exhausting and debilitating to me to have it like this. He has not been helpful dealing with this.) SO he was edgy, but seemed to be dealing with it. We made some progress on the living room. It was not how I hoped to spend the day (cleaning) but, the result was nice. Even so, he got more and more resentful and snippy as the day went on. I didn't respond, just ignored his attitude, was pleasant and let him do his own thing. But it was hard. In the morning (Sat) he got up and looked like hell, not too surprising since he had been up all night being angry at me for "not helping". As he explained it "I was angry at you for not doing a list of chores I had not told you about, because I was worried about cooking a turkey and getting ready for a bunch of guests who were not coming." This is a pattern from his evil ex-wife.
During the night he also had at least one nightmare about someone kidnapping our daughter. His first wife kidnapped his oldest daughter when she was three or four. Social services where she was called him and he went and retrieved her - and first wife never came back to our state (as she had a kidnapping warrant out for her arrest) and so he got defacto full custody. So I was thinking "wow, dodged that bullet! We handled that well, no big blow up, just some tension." Plus now we know cooking a turkey is a trigger (not really, just the whole idea of a holiday...not sure that's better.) I asked him when she got kidnapped - he can't remember. Also asked him what holidays were like for him as a kid - also no memory. So likely a lot of trauma there. He just kept repeating "I was mad at you for not doing things I hadn't told you about, for people who weren't coming." I know it it important for him to process and realize that his emotional reactions had no connection to what was actually happening - and I did pretty well at focusing on him. I felt so badly that he had had such an awful night. I was, in retrospect, waiting for an apology, and he didn't offer one. (maybe in his head - but not out loud.)
He was exhausted from all this, so I went and talked to the lady who wants to lease one of our horses, and daughter and I spent some time doing that. Then we came back, daughter played in the house . We needed something from the feed store - he was taking a LONG bath - so the two of them stayed home while I ran the errand. Then daughter and I took one of the dogs for a walk. I had thought earlier in the day: We should go back to the other house today. He at one point said - lets just priceline a room and go to the beach for an overnight. I got overwhelmed by the logistics - and nixed the idea. Wrong wrong wrong.
He had asked me a day or two ago to help him write up a thing for his work. I do this a fair amount for him, no big deal. He said he was going to go down and feed our horses, but first play with our daughter a bit. Cool. I was working on the computer - some just checking email - but also his therapist, whom he likes alot and thinks is very smart, wants to do EMDR rather than prolonged exposure - so I wanted to do some more reading on both. So I started doing some research. He abruptly stops the game with the little girl and comes in and says "I thought you were going to help me write that thing" with a lot of angry tone. Then he starts lecturing me about good communication, and that it is my fault he is angry because he has asked me "five times today" to help him. I got mad, but said I would come help and - here was my big mistake - started to unload about how anxious I am about my work (five weeks behind on grading - basically since his last huge episode) and he fumes about how "I'm not keeping you from doing your work - you weren't even doing it!". So I managed to hit two triggers, anger and guilt. And then we are off to the races "Never mind, I can do it myself." and TONS of resentment. I go in to try to do it - just more resentment. So now he is in an episode and there is no talking to him. Plus he is throwing all this "communication" stuff at me (and doing none of it, so it just makes ME madder.)
I am ready to run. But abandonment is a HUGE trigger for him. And the little girl (who hasn't been home for weeks) really wants to stay another night. So I find an errand to do - which he thinks is stupid - but I'm not feeling strong enough to not fight. I figure that gets me out of the house and we will stick to the plan. I explained this to him, "I know you are thinking I am stupid, childish and emotional. And I would like to leave and go back to town now, but we agreed that I wouldn't leave while you are having an episode - so we will stay here as planned, but I am going to the store." So I take my daughter and we go off on a stupid shopping trip at 5:30. We get back at 8:30 and he is still pissed. I ask him: what did I say that lead you to believe that I was unwilling to help you? He says "you didn't respond when I asked you." Boiling off resentment at me. So much for the evidence approach. There was one more interchange and he goes back into the bedroom to sulk. I had to talk to myself out loud to keep from going back and engaging more. It worked, I stayed out in the living room with daughter and wound down for bed.
I got to sleep - for six hours - and am now up trying not to sink into my own pool of anger and resentment. I am so tired and alone. I am hating not having a Thanksgiving.
We will head out as early as I can manage in the AM. I am so sad, and angry (don't I get to have a nice life? Can't I get some slack cut for being tired and reactive? When it is my turn for someone to care for me for a while? I am, most days, a single mom. I did not sigh up for this. I want my actual husband back... full time! ) When do I get to rest or have some downtime? I had a Wed "free" because my job was off, and daughter's daycare was in - but husband was home for a chunk of the AM which is good because we talked and spent some time together - which we don't get much of being apart most of the time - but I resented it because I had to be out of the house (to be by myself) and didn't get a whole "Me" day. And I feel guilty for not wanting to spend it with him. The whole thing just sucks.
This is not what I had in mind when I got married. I love my husband, I don't want to leave him. I don't want him to suffer. And I am not sure I can last long enough for him to work through forty years of abuse from parents and ex-spouse. I am feeling so vulnerable. I remember this from my first marriage - when I started feeling like it would just be nice to have a man be nice to me. To feel safe and cared for for a while. To not feel like I was just on my own. I just shut down then, put my head down and tried (for years until it became apparent I was trying to fix the unfixable) to soldier on. I SO didn't want to do anything remotely like that again - and yet... here I am, with soldiering on the best of some horribly bad options. I don't know how I am going to get my work (which requires brain) done in the next two weeks. I just want to give all my students A's and B's (most of which they would get anyhow) and be done. I am terribly behind. Oh, shit, I have a homework assignment that is not posted. guess I'd better do that now.... Sorry for the long rant. Just needed to vent I guess. I forgot what the point was....
