Relationship Having a bad day

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Hojay, I’m trying...
I’m trying to become more stabile in my emotions and not let all those insecurities and feelings take over. It’s scary not to know what might happen, but I have to accept the unknown and try and enjoy it!

I’m learning every day, some day are good and some days aren’t. But hoping for more good days now than bad I’m hoping!

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Thank you all once again xx

 

[Freida]

@BoyfriendqwithPTSD

Ok - I'm a sufferer currently trying to get out of shutdown mode so this comes from the side of the bad guys.

If I were your guy I would be long gone by now.

he is fighting for his life. Read that again. He is fighting for his life. That's what ptsd is. It turns you dead inside a little at a time, because going into complete shut down mode is the only way to stay alive sometimes. It is the only way to silence the never ending screams inside your head. The flashbacks, the panic, the nightmares. All of us have them to some degree or another. So we shut down. But you can't just shut out some stuff - you have to shut it all down. Love, fear, pleasure, pain - all of it goes SO THAT WE CAN STAY ALIVE.

He took the hardest step - he asked for help and went to counseling. PTSD therapy is not like normal counseling. It rips out your soul because it makes you remember and re experience every horrific thing you lived through. Its the worst catch 22 in the world. You go to counseling to help you forget, but the only way to forget is to remember.

then you come home to a sufferer who can't understand why you are exhausted and depressed and don't want to be a lovey dovey and supportive and reassuring. You tell them - the counselor said if I'm going to do this I have to commit and that means digging into the worst parts of my brain and I need space. You are honest with them about what you need and why. You try to explain that you are doing this because you realized you had emotionally shut down and need help to become a human again.

And what do you get in return? Badgering, grief about being mean, constant crossing of boundaries for reassurance, never ending "WHY' why cant you get over it, why are you shutting me out, why are you acting strange, why don't you love me, why why why.

if I knew the answer to that I wouldn't be in counseling!!!!!!!

This is life with ptsd --- and now that he has started counseling it's going to get worse before it gets better. Possibly much worse. If you can't handle that you need to be honest with yourself and bail now. Because he can't give you the answers you want and badgering him is just going to push him away

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I realize that I keep poking my head into these threads to be a bit of a debby downer. I don't mean to be...

By my keeping things simple, I mean I don’t need to have expectations as before. Keeping things simple is out of respect of boundaries. His friendship means a lot to me at this point, so therefore, no expectations of relationship reconnection. I’m behaving the way I see fit for my benefit, no his. We were friends long before we started a relationship, so I’m just behaving the way I did before the relationship started. I can’t imagine that being a problem or causing a problem at all.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Freida, thanks for your reply.
I completely understand you..

Listen, I’m not always badgering and complaining and being a complete burden. I more or less forced him to seek help cause he was getting really bad. I told him to focus on himself. I’ve taken full responsibility over him
For the past year and given him my full attention and support so please do not label me as a ‘bad supporter’.

I’m not gonna put myself down, I’m not gonna make myself believe I’ve been a bad supporter because honestly I’ve picked him up and put him back to pieces. Yes it hurts me not knowing the answers, and I barely have support around me so sometimes I get overbearing with him. But those times are less than I can count one one hand, and the times I’ve actually been a non pressurizing, understanding, gentle and kind supporter are many many times.

So thanks for your post because it gives me insight to how he feels. It teaches me how hard PTSD is to live with, but I’m also human. I make mistakes, and you know what? I learn from them to.

 

[Justmehere]

He >just< asked me if I wanted to go for dinner. I said no. Because I simply don’t feel like it. I listened to myself.

Yes! Well done!

I felt guilty about it because I know him, if he is bored he gets frustrated and angry. And when he gets like that he tends to blame me (because I’m not free) or whoever else isn’t free because he needs to he entertain in order for him not to think about all those horrible events.

This is co-dependency. His happiness and well being can’t depend on you like this, and vice versa, to the point where your happiness depends on his state of being. That’s not healthy for either of you.

Saying no to dinner, despite the discomfort of doing so, was the right step. You have nothing at all to feel guilty about, and it’s going to take time to learn how to set these boundaries without taking on all this responsibility and guilt that isn’t yours to take on.

One of my biggest problems are that I’m a people’s pleaser. I want to make people happy and fix things! And when I can’t, I feel extremely guilty.

This is something to work on in therapy. Lots of very good caretakers get drawn into the healing professions like mental health nursing. Learning when it take care of another and when it’s time to back up and take care of you will help in many ways. A lot of helping professionals have to learn this stuff the hard way when they are too burned out to carry on in personal or professional relationships. You have a great opportunity to learn now.

Enjoy your night! You made a good decision to say no. Be proud of that. :)

 

[Freida]

NO NO -- not implying you are a bad supporter! I am always in awe of the supporters who stick around and still love us!
.
It's more on how absolutely messed up our thinking can be when we are in that mode - and why it's so hard to reason with us. It's like @EveHarrington said - it is so hard to explain numbing to someone when they haven't had it happen

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Freida,
Thank you for the insight. Think I read your previous post quick and replied.

But it’s true, I’ve been hard work since he broke
Up with me. Asking for reassurance and answers. But that will change.
Just to ask you as a sufferer though: if he asks me to dinner because when he isn’t occupied he feels worse, and I say no because I’m thinking of myself.. am I doing harm to him? When he is bored, his PTSD symptoms get worse and sometimes I feel like I have to entertain him.

I’m feeling a little
Guilty for saying no.. so just wanted to check from you who are indeed a sufferer.

Also Hoojay, appreciate your support! X

 

[Freida]

Don't feel guilty - thats a really good question!

When he is bored, his PTSD symptoms get worse and sometimes I feel like I have to entertain him.

Yea - I'm gonna lie to you and say this never happens with me..... :) When I keep busy I can sort of keep the bad at bay but once I stop it floods back. So yes - I sometimes rely on others more than I should to entertain me. This is where his counseling comes into play. He should be learning coping tools that he can use other than relying on other people to distract himself when stuff gets tough.

Don't feel guilty about saying no. We sometimes need to be reminded that we can't have it both ways. I can't be a raving bitch to hubby and then expect him to drop everything just cause I'm bored or in a good mood. But here's another way to look at it... he may be in a place at that moment where he can actually feel something and wants to share that with you.

Yeap - it just gets more and more confusing ....

Either way you wont "harm" him by saying no because part of what he has to learn is actions have consequences even if he has ptsd. If you already have plans or just don't feel like going then you are looking after you. And that is perfectly ok. You need that down time if you are stuck with one of us. This is something for you and your counselor to work on. It seems that sufferers struggle with a lot of guilt -- which I honestly don't get. (because - wait for it -- when I'm shut down I have no empathy)

One thing I think is imperative is setting ground rules. On a day when you are both calm pick 3 or 4 things that are non-negotiable and set them as rules. Then when he shows up out of the blue and says "lets go to dinner" you can both check to see if it violates any of the rules. Same thing if you have a bout of needing reassurance. Does asking violate a ground rule? This might be a good conversation for the two of you to have with his counselor. Then you know are all on the same page.

The sufferers around here are pros at setting those boundaries -- you just have to be willing to listen to them. I think it sounds like they are being harsh when you are new to tackling this, but it's how they keep their sanity. And we need you to have sanity!!!

 

[Justmehere]

Just to ask you as a sufferer though: if he asks me to dinner because when he isn’t occupied he feels worse, and I say no because I’m thinking of myself.. am I doing harm to him? When he is bored, his PTSD symptoms get worse and sometimes I feel like I have to entertain him.

You are not harming him.

I’m a sufferer. My ex-partner isn’t supposed to entertain me. Same for when I have a current partner again. None of my friends or other supporters are harming me because they don’t entertain me. Like ever.

The unhealthy thing you do is that you take on way. too. much. responsibility for his wellbeing. (You are not the only one who does this, I’ve been there. No judgement at all.) It has got to be easy to slide into that even more because on the job, you are responsible to help patients.

But he’s not your patient. He is an adult, and he needs to focus on himself now - that’s what he said. As an adult. He isn’t a child. Part of that adult decision comes with his being responsible to manage his symptoms and the natural consequences of breaking up with someone.

Together or apart, you didn’t cause his PTSD, you can’t control his PTSD, and you can’t cure his PTSD symptoms.

I wish you could. Really I do. And I have wanted to fix those with PTSD and mental illness in my life... but I can’t do it either.

He will get well when he does the work in treatment and learns to manage his symptoms himself. It is impossible to do it for him. You’ve tried that with all your heart for a long time - with such good intentions and so much time - and look where it all ended up?

Try something new: let him be responsible for himself. That’s what he has asked for from you.

Let go of the guilt. You have worked so hard to help him.

It’s so painful to see that you see yourself so lowly. You are a very compassionate and caring person who deserves a relationship with someone who isn’t using you as a distraction or entertainment but delights in you for who you are, not just what you do for them.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Justmehere and Freida. Thank you both for teaching me such valuable lessons.

I’m still so new at this, I’m still learning a lot.
I am so used to fixing people, and with his GAD I was so used to fixing him. I’ve held him in my arms when he’s been at his worst and I wish I could do the same now and just make him feel better.

Sometimes I do get in to the habit of being too much of a carer for him.. I need to stop that. He asked me earlier for dinner, I said no. He said ‘I’ll see who else is around’ so hopefully he will be fine. He’s got a pretty rotten support system though, and his family isn’t always great. Especially his dad who from a young age had to remind him what a failure he is (even though he’s done really well for himself!)

At times he does start feeling more for me (usually when it’s been calm between us, no arguments, and me being relaxed) and he will ask me out. We will have a great time and I see love in his eyes. Real love. Sometimes he asks me out because he has nothing to do. It’s not a great feeling but.. I definately sometimes
Forget my own needs and put his before mine.

PTSD is a monster honestly all you sufferers.. you deserve to have the happiest of lives free
From this monster.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

I’m keeping myself from checking in to see if he is ok!! I really wanna check and make sure he is but I gotta let him handle it!