Having to Prove Scars and My Boundaries - Why Can't I Be In Private PTSD?

[Felicitas]

I am Felicitas. I have deep wounds and scars. That's why I started looking for help from others who also have PTSD.
I applied for the private ptsd group and was denied. I know I don't have a right to be there. But I have a right to set my boundaries.
I do need you out there, but i can not undress my self in front of the whole internet.
I do have boundaries. And that exactly plays into my trauma.
My boundaries were trempled on during these traumatic years of my life. Not only that, but the closest people did not accept that I was deeply impactet and wounded. I fought for recognition for too many years- it just hurts a lot to be denied of my wounds again.

A picture illustrates well how I am doing right now:
I go to a doctors office and I have to undress my self in the waiting room to proof i really do have wounds and scars. Only then I can go into the doctors room.
That's not how it should be that a victim has to proof!
It makes me feel angry and sad.

The other hard thing for me is the following:
My husband is also in the forum. He got access after a short time and a few threads.
This totally plays into my trauma triggers.
Again he is validated, he is wanted, he is invited, he gets the recognition.
And me? People expected me to be different and give more then I had to give back in these trauma years. It leaves me again with the feeling that people want him, need him, he is a great guy and again I have to proof my self that I am recogniced as who I am and as trauma victim.
He already exposed me more then i feel comportable with. I have dignity and want my boundaries be taken serious.

Why again he is believed so quickly and I again have to fight to be take serious in my experiences and boundaries.
This hurts a lot. I tried to live with that too long already.

Do I really need to take my T-shirt off on the internet to proof that I have a big scar between my breasts.
I need the safety of a doctors office (private ptsd) to undress my self.

 

[Kathy]

The other hard thing for me is the following:
My husband is also in the forum. He got access after a short time and a few threads.
This totally plays into my trauma triggers.
Again he is validated, he is wanted, he is invited, he gets the recognition.

For clarification Felicitas, your husband is a carer, not a PTSD sufferer. I am the sole administrator who approves carers into the private carers section. I do no approvals of PTSD sufferers to the private PTSD group. That decision rests entirely upon the other administrators, who are themselves PTSD sufferers. There is no favouritism here, the groups are separate with separate administrators. I felt your husband was ready for "my" private group. You will be admitted to the private PTSD group when the administrators in charge of that group feel you are ready, completely independently of what is happening with your husband.

 

[Deleted member 93]

First off no one has a right to the private area. We all that have PTSD have boundaries. Those boundaries are to be respected. We will respect those boundaries of those in the private area also. It is not just a matter of a few postings and be granted access. It is great you have boundaries, you would do well to respect members of the forum theirs too.

Your husband is on here. Well, that was not hard to put two and two together reading the carer postings he made for a week or so before you came on. One thing though if you will please take the time to read the posts that editors put out in its entirety you will know something. The Carer forum and the PTSD forum are controlled by different people. Anthony, becvan, and I are the only ones who grant access to private PTSD. Kathy controls Carer's private area. We do not touch it at all. She is obviously comfortable and has been shown he is a carer and he has met HER critera to join it. She does not have any say over PTSD private however. So just because he gets in that area does not mean we are going to let a new member in the private PTSD forum because we will respect members boundries who have been here for a decent amount of time. Getting pissed will not help your cause. You have been here a matter of days and just came out of moderation. You have to be here and actively posting before you are even considered for a substantial amount of time. That area is not for fly by night posters. Time will only tell that to us. This is not simply a matter of " no one believes you".

 

[becvan]

Okay I have now, twice, been the one to deny you access. You have tried getting around my administrative decisions and are now complaining to get attention to get what you want. Guess what? Your not getting in any time soon with this behavior. Our private area is something you earn. Not something you have a right to. All you are doing is proving that your not ready for it by ignoring what you have been told, attempting to manipulate the administration and forum, and disrespecting other forum members privacy.

I will not and do not put up with this behavior. We all have trauma here and we all have boundary issues. You are not more special than the rest of us.

Read this thread very carefully, as I will not point it our nor explain it to you for a fourth time. Until you can respect the forum rules, decisions and members, you will remain moderated.

[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread227.html[/DLMURL]

bec

 

[Felicitas]

I understand your administrative look on it. And i do accept your boundaries.
This topic is a very personal one for me. i can accept your rules, but the personal pain inside me is just desperate.
i don't expect you to do something you are not compfortable with and I hope you are not interpreting my mail as 'getting pissed' and a 'fly by night poster' (I don't know what that is).
I hope trust grows on both sides!

 

[2quilt]

I understand your frustration. If you have questions about PTSD or you want to talk about anything at all, even tell a funny joke you heard that has nothing at all to do with PTSD, there is a place on this forum for that where everyone here can join you and share it with you. This forum is very large; you can spend several days exploring all of it's information. Everyone here is either suffering from PTSD just like you are, or caring for someone who has it, so we all have some insight on what your life is like. Anthony created this forum to help others, so please use this website as much as you want to. We want as many people as possible to heal from PTSD.

 

[EmoxxKid]

You know....I know how you feel. I went through this like the 1st week...and I am a over reactor so in my head I went nuts and was hurt...but...as they stated there are reason we can't get in. Just know your not alone with feeling left out and so on and so forth. It goes away and even might teach you a lesson on waiting and knowing when your ready for something;) It taught me how to just wait and be ok with other people and that they might know more than me....

Hang in there, these people know what they are doing. I trust em.

Geneva:thumbs-up

 

[Lisa]

Don't feel that there is some sort of hierarchy or favourtism here on this forum... the great thing about this place is that people don't compete. The editors are just like us, they are all people who suffer, and they are helpers in upholding this forum as the great place that it is. They are not the gestapo...but they have to firmly stick to the rules, or this whole place goes down the pan. This is where it really isn't about you as a person as such in terms of Private PTSD access.... more just implementing what makes this place work as it works best.

I think you are looking at this all wrong, and I totally understand why it taps into your triggers... for what it is worth, I have similar triggers in relation to validations.

But maybe this is a good starting point for you to start dealing with things... so you want to get into Private PTSD. And you will in time, if you prove yourself to be trustworthy. It is not a personal thing against you but if the editors let any joe bloggs who's been on here a few days into the private PTSD chat, then you would find some of those are actually damaging to the supportive network here because they are not in the right place to respect others' boundaries (ie. what goes on in private PTSD stays there). Unfortunately some people for whatever reason don't respect these things, and then it totally defeats the whole purpose of having a private PTSD group. That helps no one. Trust has to be earned anywhere... you wouldn't tell anybody your business because you don't know if you can trust them. That's why you want Private chat, somewhere people are trusted and where you can talk more privately. That is not an unreasonable need... and not one you will be denied unless you prove yourself to be untrustworthy or not ready to respect the rules here.

And the rules here are what makes this forum a positive place... it stops it going to anarchy, damaging, unsupportive, etc. etc. Of course, you feel you should have access... yes, everybody with PTSD should, providing they are respectful. And unfortunately.. everyone here has to prove that they are respectful. It's sad that's the way it is... but it's there to protect us AND to protect you when you get in. Because if everybody got immediate access to Private PTSD then how can editors and Anthony ensure that it is serving it's purpose when they don't know the members well enough?

It's not the same as people not validating your trauma... if anybody here really thought you didn't have any trauma, you would be banned by now. Your simple membership here is validation...

This is a good place to start logically picking apart how you manage your triggers... maybe this is one of the first valuable things this forum can give you if you take the opportunity. That just because something triggers you (and yes, I understand why and can empathise), it is important to step back and look at the situation with a different perspective, and put some logic to wedge the impact of your past and the trigger impacting on you now.

Hope this is helpful in some way... nobody is trying to get at you here... it's just that we have rules and they have to be kept, and the rules are here for important reasons. It takes a while to get comfortable here, and a lot of people come on and feel sensitive about being accepted which I think is natural... it can take a while to get the feel of it here, and to realise that actually... we're okay. This is a good place. It's just that it's a good place because of how Anthony and the editors run it and it's all part and parcel of becoming a part of this community to do what it's here to do, and also whilst doing this to keep it safe for everyone.

 

[anthony]

Hi Felicitas,

As Bec stated, please ensure you read the rules on private forum access. Again, it is not about you, it is merely about those who have access to it already and post their private information. You would want your information protected just as much as others, so we must ensure you are a sufferer and the only way to gauge that is to monitor your posting history and apply our experience with PTSD to what you post.

Again, those legitimate users will simply continue posting and talking as usual, then reapply again when you have adequately posted more content. We may reject you again, though you simply continue the process monthly whilst posting and if we are happy with your posting history, you will be granted access.

Again, its not personal, its about privacy.