Relationship He has passed away without saying goodbye...

[D-sweet]

I am heartbroken....I don't know how to cope.

 

[Lightblues]

Hi, that is so sad what happened to you.
Take one minute at a time, and don’t forget to breathe.
Hope you have people around you IRL, or people to reach out to.

Thoughts from here.

 

[Ecdysis]

I'm so sorry to hear this. Gentle support as you grieve his passing.

Are you able to attend his funeral service? It might not seem a priority right now, but it can really help with the grieving process and getting closure further down the road.

 

[Tinyflame]

OMG @D-sweet no words for that. I am so very sorry for the fact of it, the shock, and no chance to say goodbye, and when he sounded like so big a part of your past, your present concern, and your future hopes. Though you hadn't said good bye, simply because you were in limbo vs broken up completely. i think that there is no way to say goodbye to long term relationships that have no real rancor at any time, it is more so long (for now).

He sounded very unwell, whether by illness or the drinking. It certainly likely influenced his behaviour, choices and interactions, including with you. No matter what the circumstances of his death, you loved him when he was probably feeling the most unlovable, which I believe he knew you did, though too unwell to respond to it. And it is very hard- almost impossible- to love someone when you know their lives are endangered, whether by substances or being symptomatic, or consequences of what they've survived (and the sometimes very deleterious choices they/we make in response to what occurs).

I truly believe from my experiences that he can hear you now, and whatever you need to say to him. My sincere deepest condolences to you. I can't do anything but say some but my prayers for you and him and to wrap your heart in a gentle hug. I am so very sorry.

 

[Friday]

The best places I know to search for Grief Counselling are your local hospitals, and Catholic Community Services (for both secular & religious people).

My heartfelt condolences to you.

 

[D-sweet]

Hi, that is so sad what happened to you.
Take one minute at a time, and don’t forget to breathe.
Hope you have people around you IRL, or people to reach out to.

Thoughts from here.

Thanks, I happened to have moved out to my country the day before i found out this happened. it is helpful that i am not in where we used to share memories. i am still devastated. I feel like I am just an outsider even after all these.

I'm so sorry to hear this. Gentle support as you grieve his passing.

Are you able to attend his funeral service? It might not seem a priority right now, but it can really help with the grieving process and getting closure further down the road.

thanks - i wasn't able to attend as i only found out about it after it's held. i still haven't found a ground to have closure yet...

OMG @D-sweet no words for that. I am so very sorry for the fact of it, the shock, and no chance to say goodbye, and when he sounded like so big a part of your past, your present concern, and your future hopes. Though you hadn't said good bye, simply because you were in limbo vs broken up completely. i think that there is no way to say goodbye to long term relationships that have no real rancor at any time, it is more so long (for now).

He sounded very unwell, whether by illness or the drinking. It certainly likely influenced his behaviour, choices and interactions, including with you. No matter what the circumstances of his death, you loved him when he was probably feeling the most unlovable, which I believe he knew you did, though too unwell to respond to it. And it is very hard- almost impossible- to love someone when you know their lives are endangered, whether by substances or being symptomatic, or consequences of what they've survived (and the sometimes very deleterious choices they/we make in response to what occurs).

I truly believe from my experiences that he can hear you now, and whatever you need to say to him. My sincere deepest condolences to you. I can't do anything but say some but my prayers for you and him and to wrap your heart in a gentle hug. I am so very sorry.

thanks Tinyflame, this is a heartwarming response. i still couldn't accept the whole things as we had too many unfinished business on top of his pass. He was suffering so at least he is now in better hands and in peace. I still blame myself sometimes for misunderstanding him when he was suffering but i also understand it's totally reasonable for me to misunderstand. i just don't know how to move on from here yet.

The best places I know to search for Grief Counselling are your local hospitals, and Catholic Community Services (for both secular & religious people).

My heartfelt condolences to you.

thanks - it's a good suggestion, i will look for something here

 

[Friday]

thanks - i wasn't able to attend as i only found out about it after it's held. i still haven't found a ground to have closure yet...

I don’t do funerals as a rule, unless it’s a child’s funeral, but I DO usually hold a private memorial/funeral/goodbye/remembrance for my own self.

If I want to share with people? I hold a wake.

Some of it is a holdover from the bizarre time I attended a funeral three times, once with “us”, and once back stateside with his family, and once sitting shiva with his other family. (TBH, it suited him, social damn butterfly; even in death he was still hitting up every possible party. <roll eyes>)

Even though I knew, in my head, families would be holding funerals once they got the bodies back? The doubled experience, in person, sort of broke my brain / shattered my preconceptions about what funerals are/were.

Since funerals are for the living? If it’s about my loss (and not the parents of a child), I’ll do it how I damn well please.

Usually. Mostly. The only time I’ve tried to break that rule & do the group-grief-thing? It ended a 20 year friendship. Because I tried to be there, I really really did, but the closest I made it was 2 streets up the hill, bawling in my car. I couldn’t make it not about be, but about my friend. So the funeral came, happened, and left. If I’d gone down there, mess that I was? It would have been worse for her. But, as it was, my absence was an unforgivable insult. That it could have been worse? Doesn’t excuse it. Like so many things.

Point being? Missing his funeral doesn’t mean you’ve missed his funeral. Just one of them.


ETA… OH! … And this may be a) impossible, b) something you would never want to do, c) something he would hate, d) not something you can ask of the family… but?… IF he was cremated, that’s 7-8lbs of ash, and it only takes 1lb of ash to make a remembrance diamond. I already have 4lbs of my own ash allocated in my will.

 

[Lightblues]

I happened to have moved out to my country the day before i found out this happened. it is helpful that i am not in where we used to share memories.

This makes a lot of sense.

I can imagine the turmoil, shock , grief ,and feelings of devestation you are going through.
Losing someone we love is, I think one of the hardest thing a person can go through.

For me ( close family members passed violently when I was young) , it was all a haze for many months.
Then reality started to set in and I started to process the emotions. It took years to process.

Anger and sadness are very common feelings when it comes to grief.

It is important to have someone, preferably professional, to talk to and vent your feelings, and thoughts.

I like the idea of your own memorial, or funeral for your friend, to say goodbye.
You could also write him a letter and burry somewhere, or burn the letter as a symbolic action.

Sometimes, when something really horrible happens, all we can do is to remember the basics and to take care of yourself in that moment. Make sure to remember to eat, sleep, and to have someone to talk to/ try not to isolate, if possible.

I know it is easy for me to say, but please don’t take on blame for what happened in your relationship. I am sure your friend doesn’t want you to.

Things will settle in time.
Do take the most gentle care of you. !
Kind regards

 

[D-sweet]

This makes a lot of sense.

I can imagine the turmoil, shock , grief ,and feelings of devestation you are going through.
Losing someone we love is, I think one of the hardest thing a person can go through.

For me ( close family members passed violently when I was young) , it was all a haze for many months.
Then reality started to set in and I started to process the emotions. It took years to process.

Anger and sadness are very common feelings when it comes to grief.

It is important to have someone, preferably professional, to talk to and vent your feelings, and thoughts.

I like the idea of your own memorial, or funeral for your friend, to say goodbye.
You could also write him a letter and burry somewhere, or burn the letter as a symbolic action.

Sometimes, when something really horrible happens, all we can do is to remember the basics and to take care of yourself in that moment. Make sure to remember to eat, sleep, and to have someone to talk to/ try not to isolate, if possible.

I know it is easy for me to say, but please don’t take on blame for what happened in your relationship. I am sure your friend doesn’t want you to.

Things will settle in time.
Do take the most gentle care of you. !
Kind regards

thanks, i am still processing with my regret and guilt. I feel bad for misunderstanding him despite, rationally, i know it's reasonable for me to misunderstand, i don't really know what is the right mindset to process it...

 

[Lightblues]

thanks, i am still processing with my regret and guilt. I feel bad for misunderstanding him despite, rationally, i know it's reasonable for me to misunderstand,

Hi! Yes, there is a huge difference between knowing something rationally and to actually feel and in that , to know something ’ in your heart’. That is a difficult place to be in. Time and the natural processing (what you are doing) can help. Also to be patient with yourself and to tread as gently as you can with yourself.
Grief and its aftermaths can leave us feeling like open wounds, and to be fragile. We also are forced to face things we might not have before. That sure can be a challenge in itself.

i don't really know what is the right mindset to process it...

Misunderstandings are frustrating, and especially , like for you , when someone left and we feel as- if there is no way to ’ repair’ it.
I don’t know if you believe in ’ the bigger picture’ of things, but that has helped me lots along the way, when things was / felt unbareable and pointless. And it can also help to build a connection / pathway between the knowing and feeling/ to know in your heart.

I believe it is really important to be as forgiving as we can to ourselves, even if that can be a really difficult task.
I sometimes say to myself ” When I know better, I do better”. Sometimes there is no way of knowing.
I sometimes, deep inside believe and think I am the only one responsible for what might happen, even if that is not the case.
( Sorry if I just state lots of obvious things.) Just wanted to say that I think I can at least remotely understand your place with the feelings of guilt and regret.
It’s not all your fault. In fact, nothing is your fault. Sometimes things just ’are’.

I have found that often in processing grief and such, ( or in processing things in general), it feels as if this space and time will last forever. It never does.
Even if I think processing things / emotions within us is crucial for healing, there is no way to rush it.

Some people have told me ” Time heals all wounds”. I believe that time sure can heal us, in some ways on its own- , we get distanced from what happened, and can find ourselves again.
But it is also important what we do. But not to think we are ’ processing the wrong way’, or anything. Please do what can work for you. There can be a bit of trial and error.

Kind thoughts

 

[D-sweet]

Hi! Yes, there is a huge difference between knowing something rationally and to actually feel and in that , to know something ’ in your heart’. That is a difficult place to be in. Time and the natural processing (what you are doing) can help. Also to be patient with yourself and to tread as gently as you can with yourself.
Grief and its aftermaths can leave us feeling like open wounds, and to be fragile. We also are forced to face things we might not have before. That sure can be a challenge in itself.

i don't really know what is the right mindset to process it...

Misunderstandings are frustrating, and especially , like for you , when someone left and we feel as- if there is no way to ’ repair’ it.
I don’t know if you believe in ’ the bigger picture’ of things, but that has helped me lots along the way, when things was / felt unbareable and pointless. And it can also help to build a connection / pathway between the knowing and feeling/ to know in your heart.

I believe it is really important to be as forgiving as we can to ourselves, even if that can be a really difficult task.
I sometimes say to myself ” When I know better, I do better”. Sometimes there is no way of knowing.
I sometimes, deep inside believe and think I am the only one responsible for what might happen, even if that is not the case.
( Sorry if I just state lots of obvious things.) Just wanted to say that I think I can at least remotely understand your place with the feelings of guilt and regret.
It’s not all your fault. In fact, nothing is your fault. Sometimes things just ’are’.

I have found that often in processing grief and such, ( or in processing things in general), it feels as if this space and time will last forever. It never does.
Even if I think processing things / emotions within us is crucial for healing, there is no way to rush it.

Some people have told me ” Time heals all wounds”. I believe that time sure can heal us, in some ways on its own- , we get distanced from what happened, and can find ourselves again.
But it is also important what we do. But not to think we are ’ processing the wrong way’, or anything. Please do what can work for you. There can be a bit of trial and error.

Kind thoughts

Thanks for your encouraging message. I have been dealing with mixed feeling the past 2 weeks and still trying to find my way out. I miss him a lot and at the same time, I feel like my trauma is now twofold. He wanted to let me go by "mistreating" me which I was traumatized as a result, now I need to face another trauma from the sudden loss of him. I really don't know how to process and start to become depressive again especially when i returned to the city we were used to be. Many people said time will heal which I agree but i believe only if i am able to get over the feeling (regret, angry, sadness…etc.) and things that i will never have an answer for.

I don't really have suicidal thought but there were moments that I would think "it's not bad if i could just die out of accident or sickness" so I don't have to deal with this pain...

 

[Friday]

I don't really have suicidal thought but there were moments that I would think "it's not bad if i could just die out of accident or sickness" so I don't have to deal with this pain...

Have you said your goodbyes to everyone who cares about you?

Goodbyes are difficult for some people, full stop.

Goodbyes when you have a health condition that you’re fighting to LIVE through? Are a death sentence. It means you’ve given up. (Or are a manipulative bitch, rallying drama). Which means I can almoooooost guarantee you haven’t said your goodbyes to people. As you’re still fighting to live, and are not interested in drama. You’ve thought of death, but have not decided upon it.

If he had goodbyes forced upon him, in his last hours, by outside people? People who saw him losing the fight, and knew there was no time left? They reached out to the people they knew, OR knew would make his passing easier. Exes? Nearly never make that list. As they’re rarely there in hospital to be known by staff, and by friends/family are believed to be complicated and painful, rather than easing the transition.

If he realized, in his last moments, he’d lost the fight? And made his goodbyes to a few? They’re weird lists. 90% proximity + Pain. They baffled me, to begin with. Many made sense, of course. Tell my wife/kids I love them. Tell my parents I love them. Tell my sister/brother/take care of my dog, please. But even with wife/kids/parents/siblings/pup in attendance? Who people think of, scream for, or bar entry / keep them away, I don’t want to see them, I don’t want them to see me like this… are wildly personal. The only common theme, I’ve found, is everyone screams for their mothers as they’re dying in pain & fear. Not god. Not their sweethearts. Not their spouse/kids. Everyone dying in fear and pain wants their mother to make it go away.

I’ve lost more people I’ve loved, in more ways, than I know to speak of.

The only thing I do NOT hurt over? Is goodbye. As I’ve been with too many strangers in their last moments to take that personally.

Try not to take his death as an insult. Easy as it may be.

Be furious, with him, certainly. Totally fair. But people aren’t rational as they’re dying. And it isn’t your fault. Nor has any indication of how much you meant to him, or he meant to you.