Friday
Sponsor
Yep. That’s me, too. Coupled with stabbing to profound grief... because not only do I want to die, but I’m mentally “killing” / preparing for the death everyone I’ve just said goodbye to (if I say goodbye to someone I’m prepared to never see them again, due to my own death or theirs). Prepared doesn’t mean it’s not painful. And with that pain comes either severe disassociation as I go cold and hard and lock my emotions away in a box, or flashbacks to those I’ve loved and lost, who’ve died in my arms, or my fault my fault my fault out of reach / I couldn’t save them. Which leads to the faces, and blown apart bits, and rotting corpses of strangers. People I never got to meet, or to know. Often kids, who never even got a chance to know themselves.
Suicide & Grief. That’s my stuff.
I work on it sometimes. If anyone reads me saying goodbye? That’s probably what I’m doing. But it’s still rare, because the consequences are pretty huge for me, unless I’m already suicidal as f*ck and dealing with panic attacks and flashbacks. Then it’s just a meaningless drop in a boundless ocean.
Goodbyes aren’t meaningless to me. Or pro forma. Or polite. They’re hard.
@Esterio
I’m often deeply impressed that with all of our varied backgrounds that we manage to get along at all. In the MyPTSD history, you can read that current thinking of experts at the time of this site being founded was that we wouldn’t be able to get on. The implication That we were too damaged, too many mine fields of contradictory problems to coexist much less help each other. Anthony -and all of us- proved the experts wrong. He built it. We came. The experts forgot about bravery & determiniation. Didn’t take into account the sheer grit & chutzpah of people wanting to build better lives for themselves. The willingness to go through hell, to keep going. The tenacity to help ourselves, and help others. No matter how different we may be.
So you work on your stuff.
I’ll work on my stuff.
& I’ll see you in chat ;)
