Death Cougar... and the past

[Guest for now]

That's understandable. And I don't know anything about her like is this a pattern of her invalidating you or is this out of character.
Would telling her that what she said upset you help to repair this fallout?

She knows she upset me, because I said she wasn't helping and hung up.

Invalidating is not in character. She is usually a good listener. What is in character is that she doesn't understand the difference between real trauma and just someone having a bad day. I guess this is not someone I can reach out to when actually in a trauma state.

There have been other times like this, actually. When she said something sort of as a crass joke, about how maybe I was responsible for some horrible thing happening, not realizing she was triggering serious trauma. But she knows enough of my history that she should know. It feels like I need to downgrade this friendship to "fair weather" which hurts because we have been friends for so long.

 

[Guest for now]

That seems a really sensible idea. Because it has brought to the surface past trauma and like you say this incident is traumatic in itself. There could be a lot of healing that comes out from all of this.

I'll see if I can find someone. Right now I can't afford anything longterm, but I could handle a few sessions.
This had already been a long day, before this happened.
That poor, poor kitty. I don't know how she can survive.
I wish I had enough money to have a house with a catio, I would have several cats and spoil them rotten.

 

[Guest for now]

Someone somehow managed to scare a cougar away from its prey. You are a good ally for your neighbour's cat to have.

Thank you.

 

[ms spock]

You have been wonderful, and if this is how you are when hanging on by a thread, you are quite amazing.

That's very kind of you to say. There's a famous Buddhist who says the first time he talks to a friend who has a problem. He focuses on listening. Listening and being supportive. He would never give advice or judge during that first listening.

In Australia, our Indigenous Peoples throughout their nations and countries call this "Deep Listening" by Miriam-Rose Ungunmerr-Baumann.

You helped me see this incident differently. I couldn't think, in the moment, whom to reach out to.

You were in fight, flight, freeze or fawn. The pre frontal cortex had shut down. Fighting off a COUGAR! Most folks don't do this.

Thank you both of you

@Movingforward10 is a solid one. YVW!

Here would have been better.

Folks going through it can be useful.

for showing me that the perspective that I am a horrible person because of this is not universal truth.

This is one of the major points: you are not a horrible person because this is not universal truth. No matter what our abusers told us.

 

[gorgonzola]

That poor, poor kitty. I don't know how she can survive.

I hope her injuries were superficial and nothing critical got punctured. Maybe she was in freeze, making it look worse than it was.

She does also have @Guest for now's candle prayers, let's not forget.

 

[Guest for now]

That's very kind of you to say. There's a famous Buddhist who says the first time he talks to a friend who has a problem. He focuses on listening. Listening and being supportive. He would never give advice or judge during that first listening.

In Australia, our Indigenous Peoples throughout their nations and countries call this "Deep Listening" by Miriam-Rose Ungunmerr-Baumann.

I understand what you mean. It should be an integral part of being human. Some have lost that along the way. Thank you for your humanity.

When looking for crisis services the one that looked most promising was based on an Inuit tradition that sounds much like that. But I couldn't make a decision.

The pre frontal cortex had shut down. Fighting off a COUGAR!

That is actually a textbook definition of trauma, isn't it?

I feel calmer. Mostly really, really sad for kitty. And shocked about my friend. But less like it's the end of the world and it's all my fault.

 

[Guest for now]

She does also have @Guest for now's candle prayers, let's not forget.

I also reached out to a cat site I participate in, to ask them to join in.

 

[Guest for now]

Oh, and this cat has babies. They are not tiny, old enough to be adopted actually, but still nursing. They won't understand what happened.

Maybe people experience cats disappearing as an abstract. When you see what happens right in front of you like I did tonight, the bloody reality sinks in and you'll never be blase about letting your cats out at night again.

Hopefully my neighbor learns from this.

 

[Guest for now]

That's very kind of you to say. There's a famous Buddhist who says the first time he talks to a friend who has a problem. He focuses on listening. Listening and being supportive. He would never give advice or judge during that first listening.

In Australia, our Indigenous Peoples throughout their nations and countries call this "Deep Listening" by Miriam-Rose Ungunmerr-Baumann.

I understand what you mean. It should be an integral part of being human. Some have lost that along the way. Thank you for your humanity.

When looking for crisis services the one that looked most promising was based on an Inuit tradition that sounds much like that. But I couldn't make a decision.

The pre frontal cortex had shut down. Fighting off a COUGAR!

That is actually a textbook definition of trauma, isn't it?

I feel calmer. Mostly really, really sad for kitty. And shocked about my friend. But less like it's the end of the world and it's all my fault.

Sorry, the quotes didn't turn out as quotes. Hopefully people can tell who was who there.

 

[Movingforward10]

What is in character is that she doesn't understand the difference between real trauma and just someone having a bad day.

Unfortunately. Lots of people are like that. Even if they deeply care for you.

she said something sort of as a crass joke, about how maybe I was responsible for some horrible thing happening, not realizing she was triggering serious trauma.

Yeah, just shows she doesn't understand. Doesn't make her a bad person just someone who doesn't automatically or innately get it.

But she knows enough of my history that she should know. It feels like I need to downgrade this friendship to "fair weather" which hurts because we have been friends for so long

Have you explained to her? If you have and she doesn't get it still then yeah: she is showing her limitations in that way.
If you haven't explained, then there is opportunity to do that and see how she responds?

The pre frontal cortex had shut down. Fighting off a COUGAR!

That is actually a textbook definition of trauma, isn't it?

Totally! We're used to taking risks and being in danger like that without thinking about it.
Other people really really would not have gone out there.

I feel calmer.

I'm glad for you.

Mostly really, really sad for kitty.

Yeah, it is very sad.
Have you had an update from your neighbour? They must be so relieved you saved their baby.

 

[Guest for now]

Have you explained to her? If you have and she doesn't get it still then yeah: she is showing her limitations in that way.
If you haven't explained, then there is opportunity to do that and see how she responds?

I have told her quite a bit about my childhod experiences, down to the seriously grizzly stuff that makes me overly sensitive about feeling responsible for others. Before I mentioned one incident where I was made to feel a rabbit was killed because I loved it too much. There were other incidents along those lines even more traumatic than that, repeated over time. She knows about some of them. She has read a poem I wrote about one of them. I would have thought she would put two and two together, but sometimes people don't. I notice people who can sympathize with what happened in the past, don't necessarily understand that the past still affects the present.
I haven't directly told her how her carelessness affects me. It's hard to find a polite way to do it. Maybe I need to dispense with politeness. She hasn't been polite to me. Maybe that's what she needs.

Totally! We're used to taking risks and being in danger like that without thinking about it.
Other people really really would not have gone out there.

It takes a person with PTSD to point that out. For me, I didn't even think about putting myself in the line of fire. Endanger someone I love? Or even a defenceless being I don't know? I'm right there jumping in to defend them, no questions asked. To me that's normal. I have a dissociative condition. Part of it is a protector part that feels no fear or pain. I used to think of it as a demon until a therapist who has been through her own trauma, helped me reframe that. I guess not everyone has one of those.

Have you had an update from your neighbour? They must be so relieved you saved their baby.

Not yet. I will check in later today. It's morning here, I just got up.

I am proud of myself for getting through this without self-harming. I am broken, but I have to get on with life. I had a dream about a medicine woman with two rows of teeth, and a gnarled oak tree growing up through concrete. Strengh in spite of it all.

 

[Guest for now]

You know, I'm just thinking of something else. This friend told me about a cat she had years ago that she thinks might have been eaten by a cougar. She said she felt responsible because the cat was dithering about whether to go out, as cats do, and she got impatient and shoved him outside, and then he never came back. She said she figured he was probably eaten by a cougar. So she is probably equating what I just experienced to her regret about that, when this is in a totally different league.