Death Cougar... and the past

[Guest for now]

I am a member, but this feels too weird.

The way my body and mind feel speaks trauma, trauma, trauma. Guilt, guilt, guilt.

Just this evening I grabbed my neighbor's cat from the jaws of a cougar. Literally. I live in an area where these things happen but I never experienced or heard of anyone experiencing it close up like this. I heard what sounded like a cat fight in my yard, opened the door to see just in case, and right there in front of me was this huge animal on its hind legs, the size of a deer... just got a glimpse as it ran, I have the impression of a monster... it dropped the cat, which lay panting on the ground, I picked it up and ran to my neighbor's house barefoot...

The cat was panting hard, the cougar would have bitten its head off in another few seconds if I hadn't been there, the end of its tongue was bitten off and its eyes were filling with blood...

My neighbor didn't know what to do, I said hurry to the vet even though it's after hours, offered repeatedly to come along but he said no...

Came home and lit a candle and prayed for this innocent little soul...

The worst thing, I love this cat... it comes to visit and has been a great emotional support to me, really it kept me going all last winter... I don't feel ready to take on a pet because I have so much fear of things like this happening, last time I had one I would be wracked with worry if I couldn't find the cat to bring it in at night... so I loved the neighbor's cat instead, and would give it treats and attention... if I hadn't, maybe it would not have been in my yard at night... or maybe it would anyway, cats wander at dusk... people need to keep their cats in at night, the neighbor should have... but still, I feel responsible, because...

When I was a small child, the typical thing happened to me that is done to children being sexually abused... I was made to bond with a rabbit and they killed it in front of me "because I loved it too much"...

I've seen horrible things done to animals (not to mention people) but a very long time ago, this makes it all real again, right in my face... literally... I close my eyes and see this monster in my yard and that poor kitty yowling in pain... it was like the Grim in Harry Potter...

If the cat survives I feel like I should close myself off, not love it anymore, like it was all my fault...

And to add insult to injury, I called a friend wanting to talk out the trauma, and she - KNOWING MY HISTORY - basically agreed that it was my fault, first said "well don't leave treats out for the cat" ... which I NEVER did, it's just the cat would hang around hoping I would have treats, and I would do what I could to discourage it at night but it was persistent...

Right now I feel like the worst person in the world, and I know there are people being raped and tortured and like this shouldn't count but I am in so much distress and have no one to talk to, in case another person reacts like my "friend" did... what a stupid response...

And I'm afraid to go outside, I never really clued in to how enormous these beasts are and I live near the woods... I feel so awful. Thank you for listening.

 

[Movingforward10]

Thank you for helping the little cat. You were so brave going out there when you could have been hurt by the cougar too. Not many people would have done that and it seems you might not be aware how brave you were?

This incident has triggered you, it seems to me. So you're holding the blame you were given in the past and you were made to believe. That you loving an animal meant it would get hurt.
It wasn't true then. And it's not true now.
Back then your abusers used that lie to abuse you. And now you have that cognitive distortion and are telling it to yourself.

It's not true.

Sometimes shit happens. And this wild animal was out in your garden at the same time as someone else's pet. None of that is anything you did. None.

You helped the situation. It's the opposite of how you are currently seeing it that is the truth.

 

[ms spock]

You saved a cat from a COUGAR! Wow!

That is amazing!

You are incredibly brave!

This has triggered you immensely. I am so sorry for what you have lived through.

We never know what and why SOMETHING really happened.

You giving this cat treats may have saved the cat's life. If the cougar had attacked the cat elsewhere then you wouldn't have been there to SAVE the life of this cat.

I will repeat you may have not been there to save this cat from a COUGAR!

The owner/s/parents of this cat do need to take responsibility for the safety of their cat, who wouldn't be alive without you saving the cat from a COUGAR!

OMG THAT IS AMAZING!

P. S Your friend sucks. Where was their basic empathy and care from you? I mean you just SAVED a cat from a COUGAR!

If you had rung me I would have said "That's amazing that you saved a cat's life from a Cougar!"

What self care do you need to do now to settle your nervous system done?

Do you need to make an emergency appointment given how provocative this is in relation to your childhood trauma?

___________
Obviously where I live there are no Cougars. But I have dealt with dangerous and hazardous animals. I did the training.

 

[Guest for now]

Thank you for helping the little cat. You were so brave going out there when you could have been hurt by the cougar too. Not many people would have done that and it seems you might not be aware how brave you were?

This incident has triggered you, it seems to me. So you're holding the blame you were given in the past and you were made to believe. That you loving an animal meant it would get hurt.
It wasn't true then. And it's not true now.
Back then your abusers used that lie to abuse you. And now you have that cognitive distortion and are telling it to yourself.

It's not true.

Sometimes shit happens. And this wild animal was out in your garden at the same time as someone else's pet. None of that is anything you did. None.

You helped the situation. It's the opposite of how you are currently seeing it that is the truth.

Are you sure? Then why did my friend respond the way she did?

Right now I feel like I never want to talk to her again... but that would be burning bridges and I should give it some time.

I feel like I need a trauma therapist to work through this incident with. It reopened so much besides being traumatic in its own right.

 

[Guest for now]

You saved a cat from a cougar! Wow!

Yes. But the cat might not have been there if not because I loved it... see? I shouldn't have been giving treats to my neighbor's cat. If I hadn't, it might not have been out after dark. And my friend agreed that it was my fault. I am furious at her but at the same time I feel like she's right. I can see the distortion but it feels so real.

 

[ms spock]

I updated my post.

 

[Movingforward10]

Are you sure?

Sure.

Then why did my friend respond the way she did?

I have no idea, I can only guess. And my guesses might not be kind to her.

Right now I feel like I never want to talk to her again... but that would be burning bridges and I should give it some time.

That's understandable. And I don't know anything about her like is this a pattern of her invalidating you or is this out of character.
Would telling her that what she said upset you help to repair this fallout?

I feel like I need a trauma therapist to work through this incident with. It reopened so much besides being traumatic in its own right

That seems a really sensible idea. Because it has brought to the surface past trauma and like you say this incident is traumatic in itself. There could be a lot of healing that comes out from all of this.

 

[ms spock]

Are you sure? Then why did my friend respond the way she did?

She's having a bad day? She was terrified that you could have been killed? She's not good at empathy? Someone was horrible to her and you copped her stuff?

Right now I feel like I never want to talk to her again... but that would be burning bridges and I should give it some time.

This is wise and sensible.

I feel like I need a trauma therapist to work through this incident with.

That's a very good idea.

It reopened so much besides being traumatic in its own right.

That's a really good insight.

 

[Guest for now]

"You giving this cat treats may have saved the cat's life. If the cougar had attacked the cat elsewhere then you wouldn't have been there to SAVE the life of this cat."

You know, I never thought of that point. I might make a note of this and stick it on my fridge, because it feels like I need to repeat it to myself a lot to make it sink in. Thank you.

 

[ms spock]

Yes. But the cat might not have been there if not because I loved it... see?

1. The cat might have been outside far away from you and eaten by the cougar?

2. If you hadn't been loving the cat the cat may have been eaten by the Cougar with no hope of rescue!

If I hadn't, it might not have been out after dark.

No the parents/owners of the cat are responsible for the cat being inside and safe at night.

And my friend agreed that it was my fault. I am furious at her but at the same time I feel like she's right. I can see the distortion but it feels so real.

You are feeling a lot of emotions and you are really triggered. I feel for you.

I am hanging on by a thread so please take what is useful and ignore the rest.

 

[gorgonzola]

Someone somehow managed to scare a cougar away from its prey. You are a good ally for your neighbour's cat to have.

 

[Guest for now]

1. The cat might have been outside far away from you and eaten by the cougar?

2. If you hadn't been loving the cat the cat may have been eaten by the Cougar with no hope of rescue!

No the parents/owners of the cat are responsible for the cat being inside and safe at night.


You are feeling a lot of emotions and you are really triggered. I feel for you.

I am hanging on by a thread so please take what is useful and ignore the rest.

You have been wonderful, and if this is how you are when hanging on by a thread, you are quite amazing. You helped me see this incident differently. I couldn't think, in the moment, whom to reach out to. Here would have been better. Thank you both of you for showing me that the perspective that I am a horrible person because of this is not universal truth.