G
Guest for now
I am a member, but this feels too weird.
The way my body and mind feel speaks trauma, trauma, trauma. Guilt, guilt, guilt.
Just this evening I grabbed my neighbor's cat from the jaws of a cougar. Literally. I live in an area where these things happen but I never experienced or heard of anyone experiencing it close up like this. I heard what sounded like a cat fight in my yard, opened the door to see just in case, and right there in front of me was this huge animal on its hind legs, the size of a deer... just got a glimpse as it ran, I have the impression of a monster... it dropped the cat, which lay panting on the ground, I picked it up and ran to my neighbor's house barefoot...
The cat was panting hard, the cougar would have bitten its head off in another few seconds if I hadn't been there, the end of its tongue was bitten off and its eyes were filling with blood...
My neighbor didn't know what to do, I said hurry to the vet even though it's after hours, offered repeatedly to come along but he said no...
Came home and lit a candle and prayed for this innocent little soul...
The worst thing, I love this cat... it comes to visit and has been a great emotional support to me, really it kept me going all last winter... I don't feel ready to take on a pet because I have so much fear of things like this happening, last time I had one I would be wracked with worry if I couldn't find the cat to bring it in at night... so I loved the neighbor's cat instead, and would give it treats and attention... if I hadn't, maybe it would not have been in my yard at night... or maybe it would anyway, cats wander at dusk... people need to keep their cats in at night, the neighbor should have... but still, I feel responsible, because...
When I was a small child, the typical thing happened to me that is done to children being sexually abused... I was made to bond with a rabbit and they killed it in front of me "because I loved it too much"...
I've seen horrible things done to animals (not to mention people) but a very long time ago, this makes it all real again, right in my face... literally... I close my eyes and see this monster in my yard and that poor kitty yowling in pain... it was like the Grim in Harry Potter...
If the cat survives I feel like I should close myself off, not love it anymore, like it was all my fault...
And to add insult to injury, I called a friend wanting to talk out the trauma, and she - KNOWING MY HISTORY - basically agreed that it was my fault, first said "well don't leave treats out for the cat" ... which I NEVER did, it's just the cat would hang around hoping I would have treats, and I would do what I could to discourage it at night but it was persistent...
Right now I feel like the worst person in the world, and I know there are people being raped and tortured and like this shouldn't count but I am in so much distress and have no one to talk to, in case another person reacts like my "friend" did... what a stupid response...
And I'm afraid to go outside, I never really clued in to how enormous these beasts are and I live near the woods... I feel so awful. Thank you for listening.
The way my body and mind feel speaks trauma, trauma, trauma. Guilt, guilt, guilt.
Just this evening I grabbed my neighbor's cat from the jaws of a cougar. Literally. I live in an area where these things happen but I never experienced or heard of anyone experiencing it close up like this. I heard what sounded like a cat fight in my yard, opened the door to see just in case, and right there in front of me was this huge animal on its hind legs, the size of a deer... just got a glimpse as it ran, I have the impression of a monster... it dropped the cat, which lay panting on the ground, I picked it up and ran to my neighbor's house barefoot...
The cat was panting hard, the cougar would have bitten its head off in another few seconds if I hadn't been there, the end of its tongue was bitten off and its eyes were filling with blood...
My neighbor didn't know what to do, I said hurry to the vet even though it's after hours, offered repeatedly to come along but he said no...
Came home and lit a candle and prayed for this innocent little soul...
The worst thing, I love this cat... it comes to visit and has been a great emotional support to me, really it kept me going all last winter... I don't feel ready to take on a pet because I have so much fear of things like this happening, last time I had one I would be wracked with worry if I couldn't find the cat to bring it in at night... so I loved the neighbor's cat instead, and would give it treats and attention... if I hadn't, maybe it would not have been in my yard at night... or maybe it would anyway, cats wander at dusk... people need to keep their cats in at night, the neighbor should have... but still, I feel responsible, because...
When I was a small child, the typical thing happened to me that is done to children being sexually abused... I was made to bond with a rabbit and they killed it in front of me "because I loved it too much"...
I've seen horrible things done to animals (not to mention people) but a very long time ago, this makes it all real again, right in my face... literally... I close my eyes and see this monster in my yard and that poor kitty yowling in pain... it was like the Grim in Harry Potter...
If the cat survives I feel like I should close myself off, not love it anymore, like it was all my fault...
And to add insult to injury, I called a friend wanting to talk out the trauma, and she - KNOWING MY HISTORY - basically agreed that it was my fault, first said "well don't leave treats out for the cat" ... which I NEVER did, it's just the cat would hang around hoping I would have treats, and I would do what I could to discourage it at night but it was persistent...
Right now I feel like the worst person in the world, and I know there are people being raped and tortured and like this shouldn't count but I am in so much distress and have no one to talk to, in case another person reacts like my "friend" did... what a stupid response...
And I'm afraid to go outside, I never really clued in to how enormous these beasts are and I live near the woods... I feel so awful. Thank you for listening.
