Heartache

[blondiebear69]

I have posted here before, regarding my relationship with my partner, who has PTSD, the kind that comes from years of abuse/violence suffered at the hands of others, including his mother. He has told me this isn't something he will ever be able to see go away completely, as it is developmental. In terms of our relationship, we struggle because I see when his PTSD is trying to push me to leave him, to be the one to walk away, because things get challenging, as they do in any relationship. Relationships are work, some of it hard, some of it easy. We all know this. However, he hasn't had longtime experience with relationships, to have learned this, to have lived this. I am the first long time relationship he has ever had.

We have known each other three years. We have been together 13 months. In January, he asked me to marry him, which was the biggest and happiest moment I have ever known in my whole life, knowing that he knew deep down that we were meant to spend our lives together, and that he had seen through his walls and resistances due to his PTSD, to not only let me know this, but to have let his mother know that he would probably end up marrying me, before he came home and asked me to marry him.

After that, we had some pretty rough times, what with the very hard adjustments to learning to live together, as we moved in a month after he asked me to marry him. Money was super tight, we were crammed into a very small space, we got a pet (which, it turned out, neither of us wanted at the time - I had stated repeatedly my reasons for not wanting to get a cat at the time, but none of them were heard, and he then blamed me for pushing to get the cat), and then as soon as we finished moving me into his place, the place flooded. And he was quitting smoking. All very, very stressful. We broke up repeatedly, but we kept going. We love each other.

We moved to a new place, things were up and down. Then they got better, then worse again. We went away and had an amazing experience together last month, then celebrated our one year anniversary. The weekend after our anniversary, he told me I was beautiful, he loves me, and he had finally gotten rid of the resistance he has felt to our relationship for so long, and that he didn't want to do anything to hurt me.

However, at the same time, I picked up the resistance to the relationship, because before our anniversary, I discovered a hidden trauma long buried in my past: sexual abuse at the hands of my now long-dead father. I became extremely difficult to live with. I had made it known that I needed him to support me and love me, and just be there for me while I worked through that revelation, the new loss and horrible knowledge. Basically revealing that I, too, have PTSD (always thought it was Asperger's, but it didn't always fit 100%). However, my needing him, instead of having him support me the way I needed, only made him resentful and angry, and not providing support at all, so I started thinking some dark thoughts regarding our relationship, and I struggled hard. So, we had a huge fight at the start of this month.

We came through it, went away, around a great community of people, had an amazing experience once again. Things have been better, I felt, except that I just started a job that I hate, having to teach my new boss/owner of the store how to run her business, because her parents bought her a store just so she would have a job while she's here. Meanwhile, while expressing my problems and concerns with the job, and turning to my partner, who has repeatedly told me that he will support us while I heal my body (I had a long time back injury I got at work early 2013), strengthen it to be able to work at a full time permanent job again, that I didn't have to worry about working just to bring money in - having him then tell me to stick it out, stick it out, stick it out... has been extremely stressful for me.

Watching him turn inward once again since coming home, while I struggle with everything, including the suspicion I might be pregnant despite being on the depo shot, and not telling him, because neither of us wants that... has been hard, but I just keep reinforcing the fact that I love him and will do everything and anything for him, for us, to move forward in our lives, to have the things we want.

Well, today, he decided to tell me, right when I was telling him how much I needed his support because the last few days haven't been easy with my dad and everything related to that new knowledge on my mind, that he can't do this anymore, and he pushes me to keep that job so that I have a means of supporting myself when we eventually go our separate ways. That we will be going our separate ways at some point.

Last time, he told me he prayed daily for me to let him go. I know he doesn't even see, or realize how much the way he talks to me about our relationship shows that it is, in fact, his PTSD trying to win and keep him single and set apart from a loving, healing relationship that has helped us both grow in so many positive ways (for all the bad I am expressing here, there is so much more good, but the good isn't the problem). He keeps asking me to let him go, which he knows I can't and won't do. I have seen our future together ahead, and keep working toward making that happen. I know we end up together, having a happy life. The problem is, he keeps his walls up most of the time. Then, occasionally, he has a wonderful moment of clarity that shows him what I know: that we belong together, that this relationship is important, unconditional love from me for him is always there.

those moments are brief, but absolutely beautiful. They are what get me through the times when he has his walls up. When his PTSD has us both struggling. And, to know that I am dealing with the same disorder only makes things more difficult, of course. I work hard daily, however, to keep from doing something to self-destruct this relationship. This relationship, the love we have for each other, is necessary for us both to keep healing, as we have already seen great changes happen in the time we have been together. He has thanked me for loving him the way I do when he has broken up with me, but kept a relationship going, in a different fashion, while he worked back toward wanting to fully commit to me, like he did when he asked me to marry him. We had been broken up, but still in love and not wanting to sever our bond while we worked through stuff, prior to that happening.

Every time he comes to me like this, it cuts me deeply. But I know he loves me. I know it's his PTSD. I struggle too. But it hurts so much to have him hurt me so completely, repeatedly, when he, not that long ago, a month, told me he loves me, doesn't want to hurt me, and has lost the resistance to our relationship. Resistance I told him I picked up because of learning that my father hurt me the way he did, and being afraid that this man that I currently love might put his hands on me in love, and hurt me too. So I struggle to keep my thoughts light and happy, while I have to deal with my everyday responsibilities, knowing that at home, I have this man who loves me and supports me. But then coming home and seeing his walls going up, and up, and up, and then pushing me to leave him, to let him go. Telling me all the hurtful things, the things he knows wounds me deepest.

He knows I cannot let him go. That I won't. That I will always be here, waiting for him to find his way back to me, to us. As he has done repeatedly. He just doesn't want to see that it's his PTSD. He believes that it's the feeling he has in his heart that tells him his heart isn't in this. However, he has been sitting in this place where he's convinced we aren't meant to work out, that we won't work out, negative space, for months, since we moved to where we are, and he refuses to turn that thought pattern around, except for those brief moments of clarity. He refuses to see how little he actually gives me the support I need. That I give him everything I have, unconditionally, and what I get in return are threats, ultimatums, that if I do this thing or that, or don't do something, then we will come to an end.

A relationship cannot survive in such conditions. I have tried to tell him this, that putting these conditions on us, makes me stressed out and worried that I will do something wrong, which then only ensures that I will do something wrong, which then shows him that he was "right", and that we aren't meant to work out. The other course of action is to just let us try to love each other free from restrictions, for him to give me the support I need when I ask for it, instead of promising it, then resenting me for needing him when I do, and pushing me away, and hurting me for needing support. I have thought to just leave him, that it might be easier, but deep inside, I know that is the worst possible thing. That life will be bleak and I will sink into depression, knowing I turned my back on a wonderful man with a huge struggle, the man I love, who is the other half of me, because it was hard. This is what he is trying to do, cut the other half of himself off, in trying to push me away.

This isn't something I can allow, or do. I will never give up on him, even when it seems like it might be easier. Because, long term, it isn't easier. It is absolutely the hardest thing to do, to know that I would be walking away from the other half of my heart, my soul, and the potentials for greatness that we have in being together. It would stop the healing that has been happening. I just can't get him to understand that, the way he feels, and believes is real, is really just his PTSD stepping in and trying to isolate him.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I feel like I just read a script for a new daytime soap opera.

 

[nursenurse]

Let him go. If that is truly what he wants, PTSD or not, you have to let him make his own way. Then you have to find your own way towards healing, on your own. This may not be his PTSD speaking out. He needs space, and is unable to deal with your needs. You have to meet your own needs and not expect him to do so. If only one of you or neither of you is in therapy, your relationship will be going no where. He has told you what he wants. Listen to him, and not what you think it is. If things are meant to work out they will. But you pushing and refusing to give him the space which in my opinion you BOTH need to work on yourselves would be detrimental to any relationship. Any relationship that is filled with the numerous break ups that you describe is not a healthy relationship to begin with. It's like you started with the fantasy of love first, and didn't see the nitty gritty. Now you do. And love isn't enough, sorry to say.

You can let him go. Do yourselves a favour in the healing process. He needs to find his healing path, and you need to find yours that is independent of him and solely dependent on yourself.

 

[blondiebear69]

I didn't explain it well, and people are misunderstanding. we broke up that many times because we were both used to being alone, or for me, having horrible relationships that I would purposely try and push the person away in order to protect myself. I had actually come to a point where I didn't want another relationship because I was tired of being abused, lied to, cheated on, etc, generally used and treated like garbage. Him and I coming together was a huge learning experience for us both, me working through a lot of old relationship/trust issues, and us both learning how to be with another person in a healthy manner, which wasn't always easy, and included early on, him basically living with me a month in, a pregnancy that self-terminated, and created a lot of problems for us because we weren't communicating, didn't know how to, etc.

He hides a lot of himself behind barriers. I have seen his true self, and it is a wonderful thing. It is when he lets himself truly show that he knows we belong together and that our life is one together. People who know us, or just meet us, always comment on the vibe between us, the connection, the love they can feel coming from us. People actually enjoy this, and know the same as I do, that we are each other's other half, within a very short time of knowing us. It emanates off of us.

But, ok, from what I have posted, without knowing us, it is easy to misunderstand. Like I said, there is plenty more good than bad, and the break-ups were all in the process of learning. Or when I have been, admittedly, difficult to live with as I have had to learn to be more flexible, after over 10 years of living alone and being used to things being done a specific way. Of us both recognizing that, after both living solitary lives and enjoying our own space for huge chunks of the day/week, us both being home all the time when I wasn't working, wasn't working, because we both expected the other to accept that we each had this preference, without talking about things, just keeping things in, not communicating, which is always hard. Protecting ourselves, our egos, instead of protecting the relationship and doing what is necessary to let it evolve. Neither of us has had experience with a long lasting, healthy relationship, and it is tough after a lifetime of hard, violent, abusive, solitary, introverted behaviour/experience, to learn. It takes time. The problem here is, that one month feels like a lifetime, so it always seems like more patience and time have been practiced/passed, than have actually passed.

We are still growing as people, learning everything about ourselves, but I know, and he knows that I know, that he knows we belong together. He would never have committed to me the way he did. However, promising me that he will support me how I need, and then the reality of needing to do so, is a hard thing to do, it's a burden to take on, that we aren't always necessarily ready to take on, to know that we are needed so heavily by someone. And yet, on the other hand, needing that other person who needs you, and expecting them to give you everything you want, while forgetting to give them a moment of support and encouragement.

Him telling me he would support me, we would work on my debt, that I contribute just as equally in terms of chores around the house as he does financially, and to not worry about hurting my body to work, just focusing on healing, has been a hard thing for me to fully accept. And, just when I did, he is pulling that rug out from under me, neglecting the support I need. And no, neither of us is in therapy.

 

[joeylittle]

We are still growing as people, learning everything about ourselves, but I know, and he knows that I know, that he knows we belong together. He would never have committed to me the way he did. However, promising me that he will support me how I need, and then the reality of needing to do so, is a hard thing to do, it's a burden to take on, that we aren't always necessarily ready to take on, to know that we are needed so heavily by someone.

When you through trauma into the mix, I think you have to be prepared to acknowledge that you aren't standing on solid ground, in general. And so a commitment made is not necessarily one that can be kept.

It's also really hard to lean on someone who is struggling themselves. If you're right, that you are are ultimately a good match, it will come around again. But I would recommend taking some real time apart and give you a chance to work just on yourself. Remembering past abuse is a really scary thing. And therapy really is necessary. Even though we think of love as very powerful, love is not enough to heal PTSD. It's just doing the therapeutic steps and getting back to solid ground.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I'm sorry, I don't buy the fairy tale. For every 'we are meant to be' are ten negatives. If he does x then he will magically love you and support you. When you clearly state that he wants you to leave him and he doesn't want to deal with your issues. In fact the only evidence I see that he has any feelings for you is that they are negative feelings. Anybody can get engaged and move in together. I just don't see any commitment on his part to be part of the solution. You can keep banging your head against a wall. The only thing that will get you is holes in your wall.

 

[blondiebear69]

Wow, way to be entirely negative and not helpful at all. In times of a tough situation, you are really not helpful. There is plenty of evidence that he loves me, and I not only feel it, I know it deep down. thanks, but no thanks for your ugly words and negative take on something that you can't really say such things about without knowing either of us, or us together. Last time I posted here, I got more support. This time, I feel like people are hear only to tear me down, make fun of me (soap opera comment), and spread negative words.

We just agreed to have him do his own thing while I do my best to leave him be for the next three days before we go away for a planned and booked trip together, which we agreed to then enjoy and see how it all goes. He knows what I am going through, we just had a long, long conversation where he still sits where he sits, but I actually feel like I potentially was heard on some things.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. Your last sentence states that you actually feel like you were potentially heard on some things. This motif runs through your text. Have you really been putting up with less than you deserve? I'm hearing a woman hoping for outcomes that do not come to fruition. "Potentially heard"? You deserve better than that.

 

[Friday]

So you have a history of abusive relationships, and you're with someone who time after time, says and shows he doesn't want to be with you (from praying to god nightly that you'd leave, to promising one thing and the doing another, to actively breaking up with you whenever you are in a tight spot and need help), who doesn't give you any of the support you need, blames you for things that aren't your fault, both of you lying to each other ... And you think this relationship is different from ones in the past?