Help? i've been told i inadvertently triggered someone but he keeps saying it over and over again?

[Lynn Keating]

Long story short - I started dating a man and we hit it off beautifully. We even took an amazing trip together. The day after we returned, we had a spat - not even an argument - and he went to leave. I panicked (I have PTSD of my own as an abuse survivor) and tried to ask him not to leave. Evidently me using the words "you need to"...listen to me etc triggered his PTSD. It was completely inadvertent and I didn't even know he had issues of that nature.

He has told me what I did and I feel horrible. I apologized and told him I had no idea. He has since brought it up to me at least 4 times and used the words "since what happened to me" about the inadvertent incident.

I feel guilt and I don't want him to hurt because of me but it wasn't purposeful yet he makes it seems as though it was.

I don't know what to do.

 

[EveHarrington]

I'd just apoligize one last time, say it wasn't intentional, and then let it be.

If he continues to bring it up, realize it's his issue and there's nothing you can do to make it right. You've apologized, you haven't repeated your behavior....it's not like you own a Delorian with a flux capacitor, so really, there is nothing more you can do.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

He has told me what I did and I feel horrible.

You did nothing. As a PTSD sufferer, we are responsible for our own triggers. It is not other's responsiblity to not trigger me or to step around my triggers.

I apologized and told him I had no idea. He has since brought it up to me at least 4 times and used the words "since what happened to me" about the inadvertent incident.

First off, stop appologizing as you did nothing wrong. Tell him that no one can know other's triggers. We do the same thing here on the forum. We are all responsible for our own triggers. Triggers can be any sight, smell, or sound. So tell him you have nothing to be sorry over and if he continues to bring it up that you will stop engaging with him. That's what id do anyway.

 

[Lynn Keating]

Thank you very much.

 

[JT80]

He has told me what I did and I feel horrible. I apologized and told him I had no idea. He has since brought it up to me at least 4 times and used the words "since what happened to me" about the inadvertent incident.

Hi Lynn,

My partner has a habit of doing this to me also and it still pops up every now and then. I wore a pair of sweatpants that reminded her of a pair of sweatpants that she used to wear when she was a teenager once and ever since then, I get told that one of the main reasons she gets so mad at me is because I remind her of herself when she was a teenager (pre-incident and PTSD diagnosis) and I trigger her constantly because of that... even if I no longer wear those sweatpants out of consideration to her. She also says that her therapist told her that she needs to get away from things that trigger her, so that means she needs to get away from me... because I wore a pair of sweatpants one time a year and a half ago. But it crops up all the time and not just about the sweatpants, but other little things. For example: She tells me I trigger her because my hair is wavy like she used to have as a teenager.

I don't have any answers about how to deal with it because I think there's really not much you can do. I can be considerate of a trigger that she's expressed and stop wearing those sweatpants, but I definitely can't stop my hair from growing wavy. But I hear you and know how you feel.

 

[scout86]

I don't know what to do.

Run?
Seriously. Having things 'trigger' you is something I'd consider 'part of life'.

Personally, part of the reason I'm in therapy is to avoid spending the rest of my life avoiding stuff. So, he has issues with a phrase. Good to know. It's the thoughts and feelings behind that he needs to deal with. But, if he's a person who's going to take an incident like that and good it over you again and again.....? I'd be rethinking the relationship because if that's going to be a pattern, it's not a particularly good one.

 

[Recovery4Me]

PTSD is not a personal license to blame others for our own $hit. :clown: :hug:

 

[anonymous]

he went to leave. I panicked (I have PTSD of my own as an abuse survivor)

So he basically did the same thing to you? Likely on accident, just as you had?
Did he apologise for upsetting you? Or for blaming you for something you didn't know about in the first place?

He has since brought it up to me at least 4 times and used the words "since what happened to me" about the inadvertent incident.

Am I right in assuming you have not been reciprocating the guilt trip?

The better question is, why is it okay when he does it?

I'm with Scout on this one.
Run.

 

[EveHarrington]

Hi Lynn,

My partner has a habit of doing this to me also and it still pops up every now and then. I wore...

Time for a new therapist!

The only time it's good to run from a trigger is if you're going to end up hurting yourself or others. Nobody needs an arrest record...

Otherwise it's best to face triggers.

Your partner is actually regressing IMHO. PTSD is bad enough without a therapist who takes you backwards and makes you worse.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

She also says that her therapist told her that she needs to get away from things that trigger her, so that means she needs to get away from me...

I agree @EveHarrington on this one, time for a new therapist.

I will say that there are times where it is best to avoid triggers. I know it has been said on this site many times on ways to avoid triggers with being a trigger warning free site and I will avoid them if my reaction, per past history, is so over the top that I maybe a danger to myself, then I will avoid it.

But, in general, triggers need to be faced because it is an over the top reaction to a mundane, no big deal, thing. You will never be able to stop the over the top reaction if all you do is avoid triggers and never faced them. It isn't fun but necessary.

 

[JT80]

Time for a new therapist!
.

Absolutely, 100% agree. She no longer sees that therapist, thank god, but she has totally retained the backward parts he's said to her and uses it as justification all the time.

I agree @EveHarrington on this one, time for a new therapist....

Amen to this also! I just wish my partner would understand that :)