Help Me Be A Better Mother For My Daughter

[KwanYingirl]

My daughter is now 30 years old and had a peaceful childhood, lots of friends and activities, a good college and is now in the medical field, living in Boston with her awesome boyfriend and a new puppy. I love her more than words can say. We have had tension since my chemical injury in 1999 due to my CPTSD.

My therapist back then advised me not to turn her into my caretaker, so I've never had a real conversation with her about my symptoms, what even my life history is. I've tried to be there when she needs me. She does ask for help and I can always rally to help her.

However, my memory has decayed and in some ways I'm functioning better than ever, but she let me have it this morning that it's my fault we don't see each other because I blow her off if there's thunderstorms or snow predicted or my dog is sick or I have to work. I have been working 7 days a week to save money for my oil this winter.

We are going to talk on the phone tonight and I had therapy an hour ago. My trauma therapist said she is now old enough to hear my story. Yes I am sleeping better which gives me more energy to work. Yes I am taking my meds as prescribed. But I have extreme anticipatory anxiety. I feel safe in Maine. I feel safe in Boston-I lived there for a long time. It's the superhighway connecting the two that terrifies me.

In therapy, which I just asked to do two days a week, he will help me develop strategies to feel safe in the car. I will stop overworking to free time to visit her (she's the one that has been doing all the driving here).

My question to moms out there is how much do we tell our daughters about our sexual abuse? I also have a list that includes being strangled, drugged and kidnapped, several attacks, and the chemical injury that was due to my boss not spending money to make us safe. My daughter only knows about my chemical injury. She has seen scars on my wrists from cutting when she was in high school. She knows I have anxiety.

My therapist asked me what I want-I want to see more of my daughter. How is that going to happen-I have to drive to Boston. How are you going to feel safe driving to Boston-I don't know.

Do you have this dynamic with your adult daughter? How much should I tell her? Should I explain dissociation to her? And anticipatory anxiety?

One more thing- when I lost my career due to the chemicals I also lost most of my friends. My mother went behind my back and tried to get custody of my daughter as she felt that I was not a good mother. She was sixteen when she got this secret letter. Do you think she subconsciously thinks I'm not a good mother?

 

[Eleanor]

I have no idea what she thinks subconsciously... and I'm not sure you should worry about it too much.

My impulse is to say, tell her what is relevant and what she can for sure process right away. So apologize for canceling out on her - you ARE sorry you are stuck where you are, and you are working on getting better. You love her and admire her and want nothing more than to spend time with her and have a close relationship. And that you aim to do that. Inform her that you are struggling with more than you've told her about. Explain to her about the anticipatory anxiety. Explain dissociation. Ask if she would like to do some family counseling with you sometime. I wouldn't go into any detail about the horrific other events until there is a pretty solid foundation laid, and there is some good reason she needs to know.

My adopted daughter (H) is the daughter of my best friend (S) who died. My best friend suffered severe abuse from her mom, and her dad had serious mental health problems as well. S was in counseling for a lot of years and worked hard to get better and did. She told our daughter about a lot of things, but not everything - but S died when H was only 14. But H understood a lot of the symptoms of her mom. Her mom left her her childhood diaries, which she has only recently been reading through. S also kept a journal (intermittently) and we are reading through that together. For her (and me) now it is good to be able to fill in the blanks and see the patterns. And the effect is that we both admire and respect S even more now than we did then. Which is saying quite a bit.

I don't know if this example helps... but hoping there is something there for you...

 

[KwanYingirl]

Yes @Eleanor stated very well. Thank you.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@KwanYingirl :hug:'s if you accept them.

I asked my son to go to therapy and assisted somewhat in paying for it when he was younger. Now as an adult, I made to him a passionate plea to go back to therapy now not to long ago, as I could see how some areas of my stuff blended into his vision of the world stuff. My stories and some of my actions during trauma, gave him secondary trauma. We love each other dearly but my PTSD world is not quite in his grasp.

I guess what I am trying to offer is our stories may not be received in a empathetic manner by our offspring that have not had these experiences. To me, age is not a guarantee of handling the impact nor is genetics a form of readiness.

Therefore, I suggest (humbly so) that a telephone conversation (if that is all that is available) with all three of you- therapist included. If your daughter would agree to a time and understand that you have something to offer that is important, the dynamics would actually assist the therapist in offering you stronger advice on how to reach your daughter.

Also, your daughter can be responsible to see you, as it is a two way street insofar as travel. Greyhound buses or Trailway buses as well as Amtrack have lovely trips for a reasonable fare. She could offer a ticket, she could chose to visit you. Boston is quite the busy city, so I understand your concerns with driving.

There are face to face connections on the computer & phones as well! Skype and Face Time are beautiful means to see the puppy and her boyfriend long distance too!

So, I hope you hear this as from one mother to another, not against our adult-children but for our adult-children and our hearts. They are old enough to offer," I miss you." without guilt.

 

[moonbeam]

Tell her as much as you feel comfortable. You don't have to give every gritty detail but letting her know that you have cptsd and that it attributes to certain things like driving to see her, etc. You might decide to only tell her parts or maybe all of it. Its your choice and depends on how you feel and how much you think she can handle knowing.

I don't think she sees you as a bad mum. She is frustrated and expressing that she wants to see you more! If anything I would take that as a good thing, its a sign of love that you are so important to her and she really wants you to be in her life.

I don't know how often you call or Skype with her, messaging type stuff but that's an option. And just letting her know that's she important to you and that there is other circumstances why you might not always be able to travel to see her and will probably help.

 

[Springer80]

Personally I would tell her that you were sexually abused, strangled, kidnapped etc. You don't have to recount actual events but just state the overall 'headings'. She is 30. She works in the medical profession. If she is ever to have enough context so as to understand how much you have been battling with this she needs to know.

I think it would of great benefit to you both. Yes it will be hard, she will be shocked and heartbroken etc but just telling her symptoms without any background is still being evasive. How can you build a relationship with her if she doesn't know who your are as a person, an individual.

Personally, I wish to god my mother had told me about the hell she endured with my father. I wish she had told me what he was like a lot sooner. A lot less damage would have been done.

 

[digger]

Does she need to know the details of your abuse or what caused your PTSD? I would be very wary actually of going down that route to be honest. Absolutely discuss mental health with her and the type of problems you have with anxiety that make it difficult to see her as often as you'd both like, but unless she asks about the cause then I would leave that out. Or make it a face to face conversation maybe, rather than over the phone? It's going to be pretty hard going learning that your mother suffered in those ways and its not something everyone could handle well I don't think. Personally, I hope I never have to have that conversation with my son.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Thank you all for your support and advice. Skype is a great idea. I'll have to get a camera for my desktop. I don't know how to do it but it's a great idea. She is of her generation and all they want to do is text. Sometimes I just long to hear her voice, but I call and she doesn't pick up. Then I immediately text and get an immediate response. Skype would allow me to hear and see her and her boyfriend and new puppy. I also don't know how to do FaceTime, I'm technically challenged. I'm sure she knows how.

As far as a three way conference I don't see doable as she works ten hour days and only has weekends off.

How much to reveal to her. Hmmm...I'm thinking just the overview not the details. And she may not want to hear it at all. She has read up on PTSD. She'd like me to try therapeutic riding but it's too expensive. She loves animals and so do I. My T gave me some guidelines on how to describe my memory problems and some strategies for documenting dates so I don't forget when I said I'd go down.

She really is the one holding us together. She drives up when she can but resents having to do all the work. I really need to express to her how difficult it is to have this disorder. She said she feels guilty not seeing me more and that is not how I want her to feel.

There is a train in my town that eventually ends up in Boston. The train or bus is not an option due to my chemical sensitivity-The diesel fumes make me sick and trigger my asthma. I have to conquer my phobia about driving and getting stuck in a thunderstorm or snowstorm. What I have been unwilling to do for myself, I will do for my relationship with her.

Her father doesn't even know my history. I hid it from everyone. I hope she calls me tonight. I now have some ideas to bring us closer together. This forum is the best!!

 

[KwanYingirl]

Now I am suddenly depressed. I failed in protecting her from this f#**ing disorder. I had the whole afternoon off and I am just staring into space. Dreading. I could be at the beach or folding laundry but I'm just staring into space. It's so not fair to her that I have PTSD. She'd be better off just living her life without me. I have brief moments of clarity sandwiched between flashbacks and despair. I have struggled with her her whole life. Falling apart when she was four which is when my abuse started, overprotective, screening parents before she could spend the night with a friend, rigid about boundaries with boyfriends-don't be alone, don't walk home alone, don't go to a dance alone.even in college I was warning her to stay safe. She accepted a ride back to her dorm when her car broke down. I went ballistic, but he was just a nice fatherly man helping her out. He called a tow truck for her and it was a snowstorm. Then I felt like a schmuck. She had to take a course post grad to get into her training program. She called me while she was eating lunch in her car and her phone suddenly cut out. I was so paranoid I called campus police to find her and make sure she was ok. They did and now she laughs about it but I feel so stupid. I'll probably start crying when she calls and act like an idiot. I should just leave her alone. This toxic history I don't want to tell her. She'll be so repulsed. And I love her so much I just can't put her through this. Better she thinks I am crazy. I'm going down the rabbit hole.

 

[ghotiff]

My kids are young and I am currently in the over protective stage of parenting and as one parent to another I understand how hard it is to try and balance that.

You did a great parenting job from what you've said here. She grew up safe (well done!), she is happy (well done!) she has a good job and she wants a relationship with you (again, you have obviously done a good job in parenting).

You have managed to achieve everything I am goaling for in my parenting.

Be gentle with yourself, you deserve it.

 

[Nyssa]

What a drastic change between your last two posts !

I see fear and self hatred talking in the last one. Can't you?

It's a distorted image of yourself that says you are repulsive and that you should leave your daugther alone.

Your idea of talking to her roots in a bonding will. It seems to me like a generous and healthy move. Miles away from making her your caretaker !

The fear of making her suffer is understandable, but she probably have questions she never dared to ask you. Having answers now that she is adult may be hard to hear, but it can also bring her relief.

You'll see how it goes when you start talking. If she is not able or willing to know more, you will know.

Maybe being physically with her would make it easier for you to gauge that. If that is possible for you, driving to Boston might be a good idea. You can always book a hotel near by, in case you feel the need to get away or leave her alone at some point (I wouldn't recommend any driving after strong emotions). What do you think?

 

[KwanYingirl]

She called about an hour ago. I was still crying just thinking I have to tell her the horrible life I had as a child. I told her I just can't tell her without my therapist to help me not dissociate. I explained dissociation to her. She really wants to come and have a long session with me and my therapist as she finds my explanations and behaviors confusing. She wants us to see each other no longer apart than six weeks and do FaceTime on our iPhones when we're both around wifi at home. She wants to understand what happened to my brain from being abused and why I'm afraid to drive. I promised her that I am making that problem my #1 priority. We will be together in two weeks for a birthday party for my niece and dinner with her boyfriends mother who I will be meeting for the first time. She expects that we will hit it off because we are both old hippies who are recovering alcoholics.

I would like you all to know how valuable you are. To take time to reach out to me is appreciated and once I stopped crying I actually talked as the adult me.

PTSD sucks.