Relationship Help Me

[Josh4757]

My name is Josh, and a lot of you may know this story from two other threads.

My girlfriend is a sufferer and has gone through disassociation, after going through reliving the trauma. She's in love with me and feels guilt that she can't be there, emotionally or physically.Because of this, we agreed to a hiatus, as she tries to improve.

I've taken this hiatus to do as much research as I can. I'm talking to specialists in PTSD, reading articles, and talking to those that have it. I plan to do everything I can to make this relationship work, and, most importantly, everything I can to be there for her because her health and happiness is the most important thing to me.

After giving her space, she's been reaching out to me. Our latest conversation has gone very well, and she has sent lengthy messages. We plan to meet on Friday so we can have fun, because I want to alleviate as much stress as I can.

I'm in love with her, and our relationship is a special one. Our first date was five hours of nonstop talking in a coffee shop, we are the first people we've been intimate with since our traumas, and our chemistry is amazing.

We've had our rough spots, too, despite all the beauty. The last month I was unable to recognize the PTSD affecting her for the worse. I instead took the distancing as alienation and was hurt. I've made my mistakes by pressuring, when I wish I had known what she was going through.

I hope we can get through this, and it all starts with her. I will do as much as I can. I will go to different specialists anywhere in the nation, if I have to. I want to learn how to be the best supporter I can, because she may be the love our life. That's not delusion, or naivety. I know it's real, and it makes the thought of losing her even scarier. I know she feels that it's real, too. She has a hard time living with herself knowing that she may be hurting the person she loves the most because of her PTSD. She told me herself.

What can I do? What should I know? I would appreciate any and all advice and personal experiences that may help.

I don't plan to go anywhere and I'll stay by her side throughout all of this, and I'm aware this won't be the only time.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @Josh4757 there are lots of good supporter threads, & a search function.

You say your own trauma(s), I hope you can access your own help & take care of yourself.

I don't think it's fair for anyone to 'promise' they will stay through everything, simply because ptsd can be very bad. But some of the threads elaborate on that more.

Best wishes though, & welcome to you.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Hi Josh,

Kudos to you for caring enough to get educated!

I think one of the worst parts about being a sufferer is trying to help our loved ones understand that our emotions at any given time are often not at all about what is happening in reality. Having tolerance for mismatched emotions/events is essential so you can know it's not about you.

Communication is essential. Regularly talking about what triggers come up can help you both identify them and work to minimize hitting them. For example, a trigger I have is rotten food in the sink or fridge. Once it gets to that, I go into anxiety attacks and cannot function well in the kitchen. My hubby can minimize that by regularly helping with the dishes so it doesn't get to that point.

Something that is also a frustrating legacy of PTSD for some of us is in the inability to tolerate the normal chaos of social gatherings. It doesn't matter how nice people are, all the noise is experienced by me at the same decibel level and I get easily overwhelmed. Having a plan for the need to exit places, gatherings, etc. is very helpful. All I have to do is say "I'm ready" and it's the code for "I am at my limit now" and we leave. If he has questions, or wants to go back, he asks them in the vehicle instead of pressing me for details.

It's a journey. There's excellent info in the supporters section.

 

[Josh4757]

@BloomInWinter What do you make of her wanting to take a hiatus so she doesn't hurt me? She says that hurting me gives her immense guilt that causes her to get worse.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I understand that only too well. When I felt like I had nothing to give or share, I also thought being around me was too much for others so stayed away to protect them.

However, that was me taking far too much responsibility in the relationship. It's not like I'm the only adult to make all the decisions for both. A friend said to me, "why don't you let me decide whether or not it hurts me to be around you instead of deciding for me?"

That made sense to me. I agree to trust that someone will tell me if I'm relying on them too much. I need to rely on my therapist, friends, medications, and skills to help me. Not solely on my supporters, or Our relationship becomes far too one sided.

I can't speak to what your sufferer meant by that. But asking for more details is a good way to find out.

 

[Josh4757]

@BloomInWinter What should I do to be the best supporter I can be?

 

[Jane.l]

You are clearly very caring and desperate to do the 'right thing'. I would just say don't try and fix everything for her because you can't - be careful not to suffocate her trying to help - to me my own space and not having to explain myself is very important . But I do admire your desire to support her - look after yourself too.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry Josh, I came back because I didn't want to be a 'downer'. I just know things can get really bad. It's more like a marathon than a sprint. I can't quite recall the other thread but I do remember it sounded like things were going very well (& you were cognizant of incorporating fun (..pie? :) ) , as well as being open to the serious discussions), & so I would say education plus be yourself & keep doing whatever you're doing. Miraculous she's opened up that much to you. Perhaps because of what you've gone through or understand, yourself.

I agree with @BloomInWinter 's posts.

 

[Friday]

What should I do to be the best supporter I can be?

You'll need to work that out with your GF. We all need & want different things. There tend to be themes, but unless your Cherie is also in that particular theme, it won't help, and will often hurt. I have an ex-beaux who was naturally perfect for me in how he expressed things, but started listening to his (lovely, amazing, wonderful) sister and it took weeks to get him to stop following her advice. Dude. What are you doing? Stop that! It became a running joke, if she suggested that he do XYZ, that the "right" thing was the opposite of whatever XYZ was. We're all individuals. The 'right thing' is different for all of us.

 

[GWhizz]

@Josh4757 why are you setting impossible expectations of yourself? You are not competing against other supporters, there's no judge!

Just be yourself and, as you said, have some fun. You need to pace yourself or you'll end up burnt out. We can't expect our supporters to give up everything they are for us. Otherwise it can lead to resentment etc later on. As with any relationship, it is a long road, and most relationships - the normal one's in my experience - have ups and downs. Don't beat yourself up when something isn't perfect - that's impossible.

And try to let her know the same - she doesn't need to carry all this guilt about hurting you.

Tell her you love her, that she's not hurting you. Tell her you believe in her and that you want her to take her time and that you will build her trust and prove it by not letting her down. Be patient with her and be patient with the relationship.

As I said before and others said it here, communicate with eachother.

I would strongly advise some relationship counselling. That way, maybe you could spend therapy time thinking about where you're at etc. And maybe you could spend a bit more time actually living up this relationship and being in it just now as you both are.

Please don't neglect to take care of yourself either. I know how it is to lose yourself when you're suddenly immersed in this loving connection you never thought possible. But you mention your own traumas. Just remember, that even the caregivers need to be cared for.

Have a lovely time Friday

 

[KwanYingirl]

This is a great thread. Nice posts everyone!

 

[Josh4757]

@Junebug I've already gone through the therapy whenever it came to my trauma. I was able to confront the person and it no longer has a significant affect on me.